Where to find me - Reuben

Friends, on account of the eleventy thousand hours per day that my mama leaves me alone to go do works and schools, I would like to direct you to my Face Books page. Face Books is a medium that allows me to do a photo update that is very fast. Just like me on my correct-sized legs!

So if you is having a Face Books, please click here, on Reuben's Face Books page, to be connected to my beautiful words of wisdoms.

MAMA!!! Come home from works and schools right now and rub my belly!!!!!

I will return to my dogbloggings at some point in the futures when Mama no is hogging up all the interwebs with her boring stuffs! 

AND....  

Pee S.....

HAPPY HUMPY DAY.

Mama comes home and I surprises her.... unfortunately.

I almost no even can believe it - Mama camed BACK!

Stinky Monkey and me is almost too excited even to blog about it. 

Friends, I was beginning to has a worry that she would NEVER come back, after she and people sister left me alone for a WHOLE WEEK with DADDY and HATFIELD.

The horribly traumatic experience of No Mama ended like this tonight:

Mama: "Reuben, we're home!"

Reuben: "Wha.... so.... sleepy.... no can open eyes.... wait OMD it is MAMA!"

Then she scooped me up and taked me to the couch and she and people sister gaved me lots of rubs and lovins.

Oh, yeeaaaahhhhhh!!!!

Mama: "Reuben, you smell even stinkier than usual."

People sister: "Oh, I know what that smell is. It's cow manure."

Mama: .....

And then the next thing I knowed, I was in BATH getting rubbed with Hawaiian shampoos and conditioners!  All of my formidible stink went away. And does you know what else went away! Some FLEAS. Yes, when Mama gotted home I was scented with manure (from the farm) and sprinkled with fleas (probably also from farm). AND.... my bowl was full of the kind of foodstuffs that I HATES. I bet you thoughted that I no hated any foodstuffs! That should tell you how terrible this particular kind of kibble foodstuff is.

Mama says that Daddy has to sleep in doghouse tonight. What's that, Mama? He no actually has to sleep there? Is a "metafoor?" I no knows what that means. All I knows is that Daddy better close the barn door before the piggy escapes. And speaking of piggies.... Mama owes me a whole piggy on account of her leaving me for eleventy thousand years. She says she is working on it. We shall see, shan't we Mama?

At least I has one thingy to console me, and it is the lovely review of my book that Frankie and Ernie posted on their dogblog. Guys, it is like I always says: if I can make just one creature laugh in a day, then my day has been a success. Of course, there is many wisdoms in said book too, wisdoms that I is so happy to has shared with my buddies F & E. Tonight I will dream about frolicking with thems, and deading moles or something, just so I can forget the horrors of my BATH and TERRIBLE FOODSTUFFS and FLEAS and COW POOP.

WOW! That is a lot of spams for Reuben.

I has my crazy eyes on you, spammers.

Since my last post there has been some.... spam-related developments. Unfortunate ones. It appears my dogblog is enjoying a newfound and highly annoying popularity with more and more spammers every day! They have greatly increased the amount of insightful commentaries deposited onto my dogblog - just in the last 5 days! I think it is because very few peoples, let alone dogs, truly takes the time to address the questionings and concernings of spammers the way I does. They is a very misunderstood group I is now seeing, desperate for attention and also for the three copper coins they gets into Nigerian bank account when someone clicks on their sketchy and probably illegal fun and enlightening links.

Spammers now is flocking to me, Reuben, for advice on many different kinds of things, and offering advices of their own, and my burgeoning populatities has given me a great amount more of blog-monitoring duties. These has begun to encroach on my chewing and napping schedules, and as a result I has had to make a change to my commentary moderations. That change being mainly that now all commentaries will be moderated.

It is a great burden to be the pioneering soul that I is, willing to take time out of my busy day to address the concerns of spammers. Now I faces unusual dilemma: if I requires user registration in order to post commentaries, no longer will my loyal spam readers be able to break through, and no longer I will be able to has more of Reuben's Q&As with Spammers! So for now, I does commentary moderation in order to control the flood of auto-translated vomit lovely fan mails of which I has recently become a frequent recipient.

Now if you will does an excusing of me, I is very tired after a long night of whining and also stepping all over Mama to make her carry me downstairs for a drink of water, after which she no could go back to sleep for eleventy hours. If I no gets 19 hours of sleep a day I gets crabby! I think Mama never gets enough sleeps, for often she is crabby. I's sure that has nothing to do with my frequent thirsties in the middle of the night.

More waters. NOW.

Pee S: Mama had my increased thirsties checked out at vet, and Vet says I is in perfect health, as usuals, and Mama no needs to worry about it other than for how much sleeps she is losing due to me waking her up in the nights.

important Statements about my personal self

I feel the time has come to make some very important Statements about my personal self. There are certain things that maybe my blogging friends no is knowing about me, and as the intrepid journalist that I is, it is time to turn the camera inward for a change. Not literally - Mama's camera is out of batteries and if I ever has a camera in my innards, well - probably we is going back to Vet.

This is a file photo of me sniffing Gretchen's butt

So here they is, in no particular order:

• I is soft, like a bunny. Seriously, my fur is the softest dog fur ever. It is hard to tell this on the internets
• I makes a grunty noise when I is happy and a gremlin noise when I is mad
• I has a amazing tattoo - really it is more of a battle scar, for the vet gaved it to me after she stoled my nuggets. It's a cool arrow-looking thing, I will gets my mama to photograph it whenever she gets around to the battery issue
• When Mama is giving me belly rubs and then she forgets to keep doing it, I thrust my prominent manly chest in the air and wiggle around until she remembers that she no is done giving me belly rubs yet
• I has a triangulated patch on my tail with all of the furs missing. Why? I no has any idea
• We share a driveway with our "neighbor." We all knows that this word means "extremely brazen intruder," and I intends to continue terrorizing him until he moves out and gives me back my driveway
• I shakes in the bathtub, but only from COLD. It no is from fear, even though Mama makes the bath waters very warm, still I shivers. From COLDNESS, not fear
• Before I gotted my nuggets stolen at the vet, one of my favorite things to does was hump this other dog across the street. He was a boxer/pit bull mix, so usually I no gotted much higher than his ankles, due to my correct-sized legs
• I gets reverse sneezings all the time. They is most frequent in the middle of the night when Mama has a very important thing to does very early in the morning. She has to wake up and put her hand over my snout so I will stop sneezings, then she no can get back to sleep, so she has to give me belly rubs! It is a great plan of mine
• At home I no will get my foots and belly wet; I will instead do my peeings on the porch. At the farm I will romp happily through the wets all day, peeing on everything to help make it wetter
• We has a pet door that I could (probably)  fit through if I wanted. Instead I prefers to stand at the door and whine and wag my tail until my valet opens it for me

I hope these many interesting facts has given you a great insight into me, Reuben.

Also, I must make it known that my dogblog and Face Books friends is some of the most amazing peoples, dogs and yes, even catses, that ever I has been lucky enough to "meet." Never has I seen a one with my own eyes, in the actual world and not on the internets, and still my friends cared enough about me to help my Mama and Daddy through this hard time with their contributions. I started my ChipIn at about 2pm. I setted it to run through September 7, hoping to maybe reach part of my $469 goal in that time. Four hours later there was enough donations to cover me and Hatfield's vet bills from the past two months, and even a little bit extra too that I will give to my friends Juno and Scout over at Juno's Place, to help with Scout's very expensive surgeries. I made me get a kind of wet feeling in my eyes. I NO WAS crying, probably it was just.... summer allergies. Or cat hairs. I no is exactly sure. I loves you all and I looks forward to many more sharings with all of you.

Love,

Reuben

A mountain adventure in which I is very brave towards horses, chickens and children

I has had a very active and important weekend, for Mama, Leah and I has gone to the mountains to visit some of Mama's friends. It was the first birthday party of an adorable baby named Ellis (almost as adorable as me!), and so in addition to the horses, dogs and chickens, there was lots of extra people, many of them very very small!

I tries to hide in the shadows, but still they pursues me

I was very excited to has so many new things to pee on, and so many different kind of animals to show my bravery to.

I supervises the poultries

I goes to meet a horse before Mama rudely carries me away

I does a lot of this all over everywhere!

What is this, a Reuben sandwich with freakishly long bread?

You will be pleased to know that I has only snapped at one baby and just a couple of kids. I was on my very best behavior! I did lots of barkings whenever Mama lefted me alone on the porch; I wanted to make sure none of those stranger babies was attacking her. For some reason the humans didn't like it when I tried to pee on the side of a baby seat with a baby in it. I no has an understand - I was outside, and also that was MY baby seat, ever since I saw it. Because I is a tolerant and magnanimous dog, I even letted the kids chase me and pet me.

I is too fast for them!

But then I letted them catch me.

Still, I no is sure about all these hands.

Being the helpful dog that I is, the floor no even needed to be swept after the party, for I has cleaned all the cake crumbs off of it! It was such a delicious party that I no needed dinner that night. After one more shift on horse supervision duty,

Yup, everything looks good.

we packed up the next morning (after Mama and Leah rudely lefted me alone to go hiking; I barked a lot to let them know they forgot me). Me and Leah had a nice nap in the car, and when I woked up we were in a place called West Asheville, where Mama and Daddy used to live. We stopped to eat at this restaurant:

It is called the "Lucky Otter," but for this I no has an understand - clearly that is a two-headed dachshund on the sign. And since I is at least as brave and handsome as two dachshunds, and probably more, this place should be called "Lucky Reuben."

I hope I is lucky enough to gets my own burrito!

And since I was looking very noble and also stylish in my sweater, Mama and Leah has took some pictures of me at the "Lucky Reuben."

I even gotted some beans and coleslaw in my dog bowl, but I ated it so fast that it no was possible to take a picture.

Today I is taking it real easy, since I had such a big and brave weekend. That is the best kind of weekend for me to have, for I is a big and brave dog! I hopes we go again soon.

I comes back to my dogblog

Lately, too much of my times has been spent doing the Face Books. I has met some very handsome and dignified dogs there. Some is dachshunds, some is not, but they all is good dogs, like me! All the time, except for when we is bad (almost always I is a good dog). 

Sometimes I is posting my ideas and my musings and my beautiful pictures on the Face Books, instead of on my dogblog. I likes to share them with my new friends, and frankly there is SO many dogs on there, they no all has time to read all the different many blogs. But now I is missing Floppy Tongue Joy, so I has made a commitment to spend more of my times working on it. As long as it no cuts into the times for these things:

• chewing my squeaky chewies
• vigilantly sleeping
• cleaning foodstuffs off the kitchen floor
• peeing on things
• belly rubs
• barking at Hatfield
• bravely standing behind Mama during vacuum activities
• basement monsters
• not playing with Gretchen

I spends a lot of time not playing with Gretchen, since always she is wanting to play, and I is simply too dignified for that thing. Oh, another thing is:

• humping my bed

More to follow on that later. But for now, I leaves you with a lovely picture of Daddy carrying me in my bed: 

Do not think of trying to take my squeaky chewy, for it is MINE.

Today I is engaging in sabotage

I has received some worrisome news this morning. Mama said she is having something called a "job interview" today. I no has all the details, but I is thinking it will mean less belly rubs, fewer warm laps, and not as many long walks where I can sniff and pee on everything I want. 

I remembers when Mama was having this "job," and that is exactly what happened before! Why she wants to leave me alone with Gretchen all day long? I did my wiggly happy dance when her store closed down and she gotted to spend many many days with me in her lap. I is in her lap right now. Where I will sleep all day if Mama is at this "job?"

This is the correct place for me.

From there it gets worse, even. If Mama and Daddy is having more monies, maybe they will be going to more shows and restaurants and other places where dogs is not allowed. I no can let this happen.

So here is my idea: when Mama no is looking, I is going to roll around on all her nice clothes and pee on them too. I will get Hatfield the cat to pull them down from the closets, then I will go to work. Maybe I will poop on them too. I will see how I feel at that time.

I is an excellent roller.

I will keep you posted on this sabotaging operation. I no can let Mama return to works! She's my Mama, MINE! All MINE!

I is soft like a bunny

There is something else you should know about me. I never has mentioned it before, since I has so many amazing characteristics, but - I has the softest fur you has ever seen. Many dogs has that coarse, wiry dog hair, but I has hair like a bunny rabbit which has just been shampooed. Also, I no has a need to be doing lots of hair care to make me so beautiful. My fantastic fur no needs to be washed hardly ever; Mama says that is a good thing. If you no knows me better, you would think I has a frightened in the bathtub, due to me shivering a lot. But just like in the vet's office, it is only because I has a chill, and not at all due to frightfulness. I prefer to no be wet. I will not even go outside when the grass is wet - that is how much I hates to be wet. Again, I must stress that this no has anything to do with being afraid. I is a complex dog of discriminating tastes, and I simply knows what I likes. If you would like to rub my soft fur, I will allow you to give me one belly rub. But remember, I is a very busy dog. There no is time for every peoples who want to touch my splendid fur.

I is soft enough to be a pillow. See?

What is in a name?

 Today I has news about my new girlfriend. Her name no is Ingrid anymore: it is Gretchen. It has been only less than a week, but already she comes when mama calls "Gretchen!" I no comes when she calls "Reuben!," because I is usually busy sniffing very important things. Actually, Gretchen sometimes no comes when called - like when she runs into the street and rolls over for belly rubs. In the middle of the street. Mama has a confusion over that one. I likes my belly rubs too, especially on the warmness of the front stoop, but the road no is a particular good place for belly rubs.

I has just discovered that there is another Reuben Stroble in the world. He no is a pastry baker from Germany, like he sounds, also he no is a delicious sandwich. He is a police officer from a faraway land called Canadia. Since he no is a pastry baker or a sandwich, I no has a particular interest.

On the other paw, I has excellent skills to be a police dog. I is so large and frightful and scary that I will stop all the crime and make everyone give me belly rubs instead of doing crime. And if they no give me belly rubs, I will bite them with all 11 of my teeth, because that is how many I has. And that is enough teeth to chew a dental chewy stick; it only takes one half hour for me to chews it all. Mama took a video of me chewing my stick yesterday. She says she will put it on the internets soon. In these pictures, you can see what a good job I am doing of attacking the chewy stick. Also, you can see my magnificent tongue.

In other newses, I has a new dog bed and a new monkey chewy! I loves both of them. Do not forget that they are MINE. Gretchen has a new bed and chewy too, but she no has a particular interest in those things. She has enough legs to jump on the couch to sleep, so that is what she does. Since that means more chewies for me, I is ok with it.