cheese papers and green papers - what an exciting morning!

Friends, this morning I went on a grand adventure! There was so many magical, mythical places on our trip; hardly I knows where to begin. Oh wait, yes I does. I was so excited for the journey that I immediately throwed up on the passenger seat. I was right next to Mama's old sweatshirt, but I decided for personal reasons that really it would be best to puke on the upholstery. Geez Mama, I was trying to save your old sweatshirt!

You're welcome.

After a nice ride with my nose stuck out the window, quivering with excitement, and my ears flapping in the wind, we went to a place called "coffee shop." Mama lefted me in the car while she went in, unfortunately, but I had a great time barking at all of the uncaffinated passerbys and when she came out, she had a cup of Mama Juice and a sandwich too! She put sandwich into her purse and then we started driving again.

wheeeeeeeeeee

At a stoplight a nice man was selling newspapers, so of course I growled and barked at him with brave ferocities through my open window. He came up to the car (maybe he is deaf...? I was barking very loudly and fiercely) and says "how old he is? About 5?" Mama laughed and then made up a number for my age, since we no knows how old I is at all, only that I is dignified senior gentleman. His jaw dropped and we sped away down the road!

I no looks a day over 5, it is because I takes good care of my personal Self! With lots of sleeping.

The next stop on our journey was called "bank." Again I had to stay in car while Mama went inside and did something boring with green papers. When she came out, that is when she opened the sandwich! She helped me eat it.

She says that I helped her eat it. This no is true.

Finally we drove to a place called "house that mama and daddy used to live in but now they rent it out and the tenant got evicted moved out and now they wants to put it on the market but first has to pay some repairmans some monies to fix all of the broken things." I guess that is what she needed the green papers for. Again she very rudely left me in the car, but this time she also lefted her coffee cup and the cheese paper from the sandwich! When she camed back I had nommed on the cheese paper and done a very thorough licking of the top of her coffee cup. "Oh Reuben..." she sighed, probably because I is adorable.

Carefully I eyes my prey as I waits for the right moment to strike.

and that moment is...... NOW!!!!!!!

Then it was time to go home. I peed on my favorite plant as soon as I got out of the car. Well, maybe it no is my favorite, but it is definitely in the top 3. I sniffed and peed for a while, and Mama was having impatients, so she said "Reuben.... wanna eat?" and that usually works to get me inside. Except Mama was standing outside for so long waiting for me to finish sniffing and peeing that she forgot about how I licked all over her coffee cup and she started drinking it again. I came inside and had a little breakfastings, and now I has retired to the couch for my mid-morning nap. What an exciting day! Can we does it again tomorrow, Mama?

Oh how I loves to sniff things!

Sniff them, and then pee on them.

Bunnicula and Hatfield: two pees in a pod

Well friends, Easter is upon us and I understand that this "bunny" will be invading visiting my house during the nights. Again. Always he is so quiet and sneaky, for I no has caughted him yet in the three Easters I has spent sleeping next door to people sister! Since I no has sawed this "bunny" yet, here is what I think he looks like:

Or possibly like this:

Dog help us all if he looks like this:

It remains to be seen what kind of awful home break-in will be experienced this year. Stay AWAY from my organic peanut butter biscuits, BUNNICULA.

In related newses - those involving a devilish catses named Hatfield - he is on my last nerve these days. Always using his freakishly limber legs to jump up on tables and counters and eat foodstuffs that should be MINE, based on how I is the most important creature in the house. Here is an example of him being illegally on the counter and also thinking that he is a bird by sitting on these eggs:

There is way too many confusing things happening here. 

So listen to me, Hatfield, when I says that you is on notice. I no is exactly sure what that means, other than that I has been noticing you being extra annoying recently and have taken great pains to chase and bark at you at all possible times. You has been warned.

I hope those foots no accidentally slips and kicks you, Hatfield. 

On guards and ready for actions - from Bunnicula, Hatfield, or any other rude intruders intruding into my personal home.

Reuben's letter to Santa Paws

Dear Santa Paws,

This is a file photo, but my letter looks just like this.

This year I has been a Very Good Dog. I helped protect the house by barking at everything and everyone who camed near it - including and especially the suspicious character dressed in blue and carrying satchels who always is trying to steal my mails.

I only peed in the house a couple of times. For a dachshund, this is amazing.

Yes I ranned away on the farm a few times, and made additional thwarted attempts, but seriously Santa - what you would has done if there was not only monster chickens, but ALSO monster wild turkies to chase through the forests? So you see, these incidents was entirely unavoidable.

I only bited Daddy when it was absolutely necessary: in cases of him being a clear and present danger to my chewies, in which event, I has prior authorization to do a biting of him. I made half-hearted attempts to bite a few other people, so really, those no counts as biting incidents. Oh, I did bite Mama once, by accident - I was trying to bite Daddy. Sorries, Mama and Santa.

I no was brave towards Hatfield the orange kitty every single day. Here is evidence of that one day where I let him sleep next to me.

Exhibit A: me, not chasing Hatfield. And that's Red Humpy Bed I is sleeping on.

I has treated my Humpy Beds - both Blue and Red - with respect and equality. Due to this, both of thems has all of the stuffings coming out, and one time I ated the stuffings, and then I throwed them up, and Mama thoughted it was a hairball, and the vet was very confused by the whole thing, on account of me not being a catses. Therefore, this year for Christmasses I would like a new Humpy Bed. Of course I still loves Blue and Red, but Mama no wants me to eat any more stuffings, unless they is the kind that comes out of the turkies on Christmas eve.

I assume you will also be bringing the usual assortment of chewies and treats.

Thank you Santa for recognizing me as a Very Good Dog this year!


Merry Festivitals,

Reuben

With a face like this, how I could be bad?

A short waking from Hiber Nations

Friends, I no has been around much lately, as you may or no may has noticed. But this no means I has been in Hiber Nations this whole time. On the contraries, I has been a extremely brave and busy kind of dog! I helped daddy put out a fire, and I chased monster TURKIES in the forest, rode in the car and barked at stuffs with my head out the window, tried to run away on the farm, AND, I gotted a new fuzzy coat that makes me look like a cavedog, except I would much rather chews on it than wears it.

it totally has BONES on it! How it is possible to no chew on this sweater....

Oh. And this unfortunate incident was captured on films as well:

it no is what it looks like..... okay, maybe it is

BUT... does you want to know my favorite thing that has been happening? It is getting about eleventy billion Christmas cards from my dogblogging friends! Every day me and people sister open the new ones - like five a day! - and we displays the lovely cards all around the living room. It is getting REALLY festive in there, I tells you!

I no is forgetting about my secret santa, who no is a secret because I knows who it be, but I is a very careful shopper who takes a very long time to choose the best stuffs for packages. I does the same with my Christmas cardables too..... the longer you has to wait, the specialler it be, I thinks....?

Anyways, my long and greuling 12 hour hiber nation begins now, so I barks at you all again soon, and I no can wait to read of all the lovely things you guys has been doing lately! I know one of those things: it involves eleventy billion envelopes and one dry, floppy tongue. Seriously mama, they makes those little sponge-bottle things, it no is a new invention....

Violation of the Reuben-Daddy Peace Agreement of 2012

Step away from squeaky monkey.... slowly... I no wants to has to hurt you (much)

To: The International Committee of Human-Dog Relations
Re: Blatant Treaty Violation
October 3, 2012

To the President of the Governing Body:

I brings to your attention today a matter of grave and important..... importance. In a direct and blatant violation of the Reuben-Daddy Peace Agreement of October 2, 2012, Daddy has both purposefully and maliciously stepped upon my squeaky monkey, causing said monkey to emit a.... squeaky monkey sound.

I draws your attention to section 87, clause eleventy of the Treaty:

"No Daddy shall make an overt and deliberate motion in the direction of Reuben's chewies, regardless of the location of the chewies, the location of Reuben, or how ornery Daddy happens to be feeling at that particular moment."

And we all knows, because we has all read section 88 of the Treaty:

"Any attempt by Daddy to handle, manhandle, throw, sit upon, squeeze, or come within 87 foots of Reuben's chewies will elicit a warning bark from said Reuben. In the occurrance that the barkings is ignored by Daddy, subsequent biting actions will be taken."

Please note that the reccommended actions has been taken against Daddy for the unpardonable crime of chewy violation, and should such future events occur, similar actions will has repeatings, adjusted for the severity of the particular situation.

Thank you for your attention to this international incident.

Regards,

Me, Reuben: a brave and handsome wiener dog

I, Reuben, is in a lot of trouble and it no is my faults!

See this picture? This is me on my last ever ride home from the farm:

Wheeeeeeee

Friends, a very grave and not-my-fault thing has happened: I has been permanently banned from the farm. How this happened, you says? Not to worry, I tells you all about it.

Yesterday I went to the farm with Daddy like I sometimes does. After showing Gretchen my brave ferocities and eating some of her food, I decided to has an adventure. So I went over to the neighbors' place to see what kind of troubles I could cause.

Four hours later, still I was gone, and Daddy had to call Mama and say "Mama, I no can find Reuben anywhere. I think he is mad because I unfairly accused him of hiding from me. Of course he is a very big and brave wiener dog, but can you please come out to the farm and call his name many many times?"

Mama raced out there, and for the next many days and probably weeks too, she and Daddy walked all through the woods and farms and neighbors' woods and farms, calling for me and shaking a bag of treats too. They even had Gretchen "helping." Mama said "Gretchen! Find Reuben!" And she tooked off into the woods. Mama followed her, and Gretchen was sniffing out a really good trail, which unfortunately ended at a tree where she proceeded to dig for moles.

My, what a lot of help you is, Gretchen.

Then she tooked off into the woods too, and Mama yelled "how many dachshunds is we going to lose today?!?!" Of course I was off having my big adventure while all of this was happening, so only I has heard of these developments later from the safety of my warm bed. (Gretchen came back, as she always does, so they no was worried too much about her).

Daddy even went to ask the old lady across the street if she had seened me. This is the lady who always is yelling at the grandpa man for letting Gretchen run around with no leash. She gave Daddy a stern talking-to, and Daddy couldn't really say anything, because he had lefted me off leash and I had disappeared. 

So, what was I doing the whole time I was goned?

Here is the true story of what happened:

I was over on the neighbors' land, helpfully chasing and otherwise terrorizing these intruder chickens. They very disrespectfully wanders around all over the place, which is of course unacceptable to me. So I was having a really good time doing many barkings and chasings, and I no knows what happened next, but all of a sudden I was attacked by a extremely organized army of monster chickens, at least 50 of them, maybe even 50,000.

This was the baby one; the rest was even bigger.

Friends, I no knowed what to do. There was wings everywhere, and beaks, and feathers was flying, and I was so mad that I thought I might hurt those chickens really bad with my fearsome tooths. Because I is a noble dog, and not one to pick on some unsmart chickens, I retreated to the woods so as to no harm them too much. I founded a nice comfy spot in those woods, after which I felled asleep. Vigilantly asleep. I was sleeping so vigilantly that I no even heard Mama and Daddy yelling "Reuben!!!!" over and over and over - I was too busy listening for intruding monster chickens.

After a few miles of hikings through the woods, Mama and Daddy was tired, and they went back to the house to ponder some things. They tooked a break, then went back out for more excercise (they both could stand to lose a pound or ten, so really I was doing them a favor). Just then the neighbor lady who is in charge of those disrespectful chickens came by and tolded them the story of my brave chicken activities. So they headed down to where the chickens was, again, and there I was, chasing them again! Daddy spotted me first, then Mama started running to me, and it took me a minute to figure out what was going on, but then I started running to her too, for I was tired and also had a big case of thirsty. She scooped my up in her arms and said "Reuben, this is your last trip to the farm, ever." What I did wrong? I no has an understand.

Daddy was pretty upset with me, and it no helped my case very much that I had pooped in his car earlier that day (not for the first time either). Mama was just glad I was back, though probably she will never let me outside without a leash ever again. I will miss the farm; I will miss chasing the chickens and marking all the many territories I has there. Probably I no will miss Gretchen - although I does enjoy doing an occasional zoomie with her. But Mama and Daddy has putted their foots down. So for now I sleeps vigilantly on the couch with my chewy by my side, dreaming of monster chickens.

Zzzzz.... BARK BARK BARK Zzzzzzz....

Important news update on rude animals who think they lives in my house

Friends, we gots a lot of important things going on in the local news here. I does my best as a journalist to provide a unbiased interpretation of the events taking place in the backyard.

My top story this morning is "angry birds." I no knows why humans want a game for this, since I has my very own game of angry birds in the backyard and trust me, I wish I could uninstall this freeloader birdhouse. Here I has tooked a screenshot:

Yes friends and other newswatchers, these birds has set up nest in the wall right above my back door. They was here last year, and here they unfortunately is again. When it was just the mama bird, she no really was angry, just very very messy. Now that she has borned her chicks, all I hear all day long is screeching from those little hungry angry birds! They gots a lot of nerve to move into MY house without asking my permissions. They is crafty too, for they has chosen a place so high that neither Hatfield the orange kitty or I can get in there to eat them. The squawking is interrupting my vigilant sleeping, which is, of course, one of the most important things I does.

See how I is awake here? I should be asleep. Vigilantly asleep.

In other news, basement cat has been spotted in my basement, and in fact I spots (and smells) him on a daily basis. We gots all these fat kitties in the neighborhood who has very nice and warm homes. Instead of hanging out in them, they hangs out in my basement.

Daddy, you could end this torture by fixing the basement door.

In this picture you sees me monitoring their activity from the outside of the house, but every time I tries to sneak in there, I is stopped by the treacherous large pile of Daddy Junk. Also, Mama tends to pick me up and carry me back inside when I gets in an exploratory kind of mood. So these stinky cats is up to no good underneath my very foots, and all I can does is bark at them through various vents on the indoors and outdoors of my house.

It is a grave burden to has the correct-sized dachshund legs that I has. Some dogs with freakishly long legs might be able to jump up and eat those birds, or leap over the Daddy Junk. It is the price we dachshunds pay for being so adorable. Truly, my work no is ever done. This is me, Reuben, signing off for the mornings.

Reuben the Police Dachshund

Well friends, spring has sprung upon us, and with it comes more opportunities for me to be out in the yard or taking walks, and doing two very important things:

1. Peeing on Everything That is Mine
2. Barking Fearsomely at People, Cats, Squirrels, Other Dogs, Birds, and Maybe a Few Chickens

The peeings is self-explanatory - I has to establish all the things that is mine, and that is a very hard job, for everything is mine. I works tirelessly at it.

Yes I has posted this picture before - it is a timeless classic.

Being a police dachshund is also a very big and important job, but here at least I gets confirmations that I is doing it very well. When I is out walking with Mama, I barks very bravely when another person approaches, especially if they also has a large dog with them. Their dog, who always has freakishly long legs (not the correct-sized legs that I has), is so frightened of me that they behaves themselves when I barks ferociously at them. Then Mama says, "I is so sorry, Other Person, for my dog is a big and scary wiener dog, and very brave too." Then Other Person says "hey there big fella, you is one tough wiener dog! And handsome too!"

The handsome part also is true.

Also I spends many hours sleeping vigilantly, keeping alert for the sound of intruders, or for the sound of the neighborhood cats, who has very rudely decided to has a meeting spot in my bushes.

I sleeps vigilantly to protect us all.

Any peoples who come in the house also get barked at. This includes Daddy, for he is a male kind of person, and therefore a threat to my territories. It also includes Grandpas, Mama's friends, Daddy's friends, Leah's friends and repairmens. I does such a good job keeping us safe that we no has had a home invasion since I has been here! (They says they no had one before I came here either, but probably that no is true).

It is time for me to stop my typewritings and get back to vigilantly sleeping - I is already way behind schedule for the day. Spring break is next week, and we gots a trip to the mountains, then we gots an Aunt Dana coming to visit! She has a similar to Mama, so I may even bark at her less than most other family members!

Finally I reviews another book

  

Magic Tree House Fact Tracker #24: Dog Heroes

Every morning this week my human sister Leah has woked up early before school to do research. It no is even for school; she just loves to do research! She uses this very fascinating book to learn about Dog Heroes (like me!), and she takes notes on the most interesting parts. It has mountain rescue dogs, detective dogs, and even a brave dachshund (like me!) who helped rescue people on September 11. 

I suppose it is true that this book is on the first grade reading level, but also it is a fine piece of non-fiction, carefully researched and presenting with alluring illustrations, especially of the brave dachshund (has I ever mentioned that I is also a brave dachshund?). I recommends it to you all!