Reuben's 6th of July with some rude lady dogs

Friends, yesterday I had slightly-delayed 4th of July celebration that I has given the highly creative name of "6th of July" to. Me and Mama and Daddy and People Sister wented to Grandpa man's house (which of course is where Gretchen lives), and Great Auntie C camed over with her dog Maisy, and my BFF Daisy camed over from next door. As the only male kind of dog in this arrangement, I thoughted I would get all the attentions. This turned out to NO be true!

Ladies... I is over here... please to no crowd all around me at once.

Um... I said I is over here.... hello?

Oh hi there Maisy, what's that? You is on your way to kitchen? Okays, see you later I guess.

Doesn't ANYDOG want to play with me?

But all of that was forgotted when I gotted THIS:

Holy molies, my very own hot dog, all for my Self!

I see how it is, Daisy. You only wants me for my hot dog, you harpy!

Then Daisy gotted sent home because she rudely ated Gretchen's hamburger. Then Gretchen did that thing she does where she goes and stands near Maisy and annoys her, so Maisy started growling at her. Meanwhile, I was content to finish my hot dog and then walk around peeing on many, many things. But then..... THIS started to happen:

Great Auntie C, it's a twister!

It no was a twister, just our thrice-daily thunderstorm. I got up on the car to bark those thunderboomers away! (Okay, Mama lifted me onto the car).

Grrrrrrr thunderboomers, I will dead you!

Then I gotted busy looking at my handsome self in the car window.

Why the ladies no wants a piece of Reuben? I looks amazing.

And before I knowed it....

AAAHHHH here it comes, run for your lifes!!!1!!11!

Oh well - at least we had an hour without rain to has our picnic. Now friends, I must mention that Daisy - who WAS my BFF - is now BFFs with Gretchen and not me. Probably on account of how Gretchen likes to "play" and "run around" and "jump," and other things that senior wieners like myself is too dignified to does. I played a little bit with Daisy, but mostly she and Gretchen just taked off and ignored me - Reuben. Now I has yet ANOTHER reason to be mad at Gretchen - as if I needed another one!

I gots a new BFF!

Never did I think I would says this, but I has finded another dog that I actually played with. And I liked it!

Here is the story...

I was minding my businesses, walking around Grandpa man's yard and peeing on stuffs like usual. I no noticed the the dog in the distance.

That would make a good novel title: "Dog in the Distance." Does you see him all the way back there?

He approached me, and at first I was like:

Um, what you is doing, strange dog?

And then I was like:

Grr and ruff, strange dog - I will dead you!!!

But then I was all:

Ahhhhhh! Get out of here Gretchen, and quit  humping me too!!!

The pictures is all blurry - because THAT is how fast we was going. It was very fast! Mama thoughted my new BFF was playing a little too rough with me, and she carried me inside. But I barked and barked to go back out! Sometimes BFF and Gretchen would run off together, and I no can run as fast as thems on account of my seniorness and also my correct-sized legs, but BFF always came back to me for more playings. I no knows BFF's actual name, for he is new dog of Grandpa man's next door neighbors and we no has been properly introduced. He did nip my ear a few times, which I no really appreciated, and Mama has a worry for how he might be playing with me as he grows into a not-puppy. As you can sees, BFF has freakishly log legs, and they only will get freakisher. But for now, I no can waits to go to farm again and play with my new BFF!

Can we go  now? Now? How about, oh, I no knows - NOW?

That no was the only fun part of my day at the farm, for also I has taked a ride in the farm truck!

While I was in there, I had a delightful cicada snack. Those cicadas is EVERYWHERE, does you know they only comes out every 17 years? That is why they makes so much noise; they is making up for lost time.

Is a delicacy. 

Also, I has finded this thing:

Um.... I no wants to know. Really. 

It was such a fun day that I went home and fell very fast asleep.

Yes, that is people sister's doll. Sorry, people sister.

Now. I has just one more thing to says. Friends, my book has traveled across the big waters and made it ALL THE WAY to the Netherregions.... I mean, to the Netherlands. I hope Minet de Boer and my fine fuzzy friend Toby likes it. *wrings paws* How I will live with my personal self if they no does?! (I has a secret fear of rejections big hopeful that they will likes it). I hear that Toby does like to read books, and also to chew on shoes.

Mama wants to squish him due to his fuzzy adorableness. 

The story behind me and freakishly long-legged Gretchen

Good mornings friends! I is just finishing up Second Breakfast; it is composed of the coconut tempehs that Mama no likes as much as she used to, apparently. However, I should be eating coconut BACONS right now, on account of the indignities I suffered yesterday.

If you is following me on face books, then probably you knows the source of my grief from yesterday. 

file photo of all that is unholy.

And some peoples was asking, "hey Reuben, you handsome an brave dachshund - why you has such a powerful dislike for Gretchen? She looks sweet enough."

Friends, if Gretchen was trying to steal your chewies, your place on the couch, your foodstuffs, your place in the bed, your humpy bed, your people family, and your entire house, I's thinking you might feel differently about her. 

Mama and Daddy adopted Gretchen from Almost Home Dachshund Rescue, which is the same nice rescue group that helped pay for my mouth surgicals. Mama and Daddy thoughted I needed a friend to play with, on account of how I sleep so much - they thought I might be BORED. Little did they know that I was vigilantly sleeping to protect the house!  Also people sister wanted Gretchen to be my girlfriend, which was a terrible mistake. To make a (freakishly) long story short, you can read all about why Gretchen went to live on the farm with Grandpa man *** here***. But we no gotted along almost all of the time, though occasional photos has been snapped of us sitting near to each other when I had a momentary letting down of my vigilant guard. Some has even gone so far to suggest that Gretchen is BIGGER than me, which is a outrageous lie. Just because she has longer legs than me (freakishly long, might I add), and maybe weighs more than me, and is slightly longer in the torso, it NO MEANS that she is bigger! Because as we all knows, I is basically the biggest dog who ever has existed. 

We still sees each other fairly often. Sometimes I go out to the farm to pee on things visit, and sometimes she comes over here to steal my chewies and try to escape out the kitty door visit. And yesterday, I had one of those unfortunate visitings of her coming to my house. Mostly she just tries to "play" with me, and obsessively licks my face, which I HATES because that is where the very sensitive area of my mouth is located. So I growls fiercely, but she no pays attention, and sometimes tries to sit on me (oh the humanities!) When she first camed to live with us - and I is only telling you this because of my sincere and unwavering trust in you all - Gretchen actually tried to hump me on multiple occasions. And I no could hump her back on account of her freakishly long legs! So I would then find the closest soft object and make a huge deal out of humping it in front of her, and she would does the same thing, and let me tells you - there was a LOT of inanimate-object-humping during those first few weeks. We was both trying to establish our dominence, and since we is neutered and spayed, blankies, pillows and humpy beds took the brunt of our efforts.

As you can see, this is basically the greatest affront to my personal Self, ever. 

Moving on. So yesterday Gretchen came for a babysitting while Daddy and Grandpa man were working on some house-fixing stuffs. Here is a full account of our unfortunate day, in photos:

blatant betrayal by people sister.

Unapologetic theft of my meaty stick.

Still chewing on MY meaty stick. In MY place on top of the couch.

Licking me on my sensitive mouth

Me, sulking and angrily chewing on a blankie and no looking at Gretchen the intruder.

Also, Mama and people sister tooked us on a walk together (in MY park), except Mama forgotted to bring camera in all the craziness of getting out the door. I took an extra long time peeing on everything while Gretchen ranned ahead with people sister using her freakishly long legs.FINALLY Grandpa man camed to pick her up, and all was restored to the natural and correct order of things. Which is me, Reuben, being an Only Dog and doing it amazingly well.


Pee S. The 2013 North Carolina Wiener Roast is coming up very soon, and oh man, did I has a blast last year!  I maybe no will enter the wiener race again this year, on account of how I ranned away from the finish line instead of towards it. But I DOES have a very exciting thing planned for the Roast, and you will has to wait just a little bit longer to find out what it is!

Bunnicula and Hatfield: two pees in a pod

Well friends, Easter is upon us and I understand that this "bunny" will be invading visiting my house during the nights. Again. Always he is so quiet and sneaky, for I no has caughted him yet in the three Easters I has spent sleeping next door to people sister! Since I no has sawed this "bunny" yet, here is what I think he looks like:

Or possibly like this:

Dog help us all if he looks like this:

It remains to be seen what kind of awful home break-in will be experienced this year. Stay AWAY from my organic peanut butter biscuits, BUNNICULA.

In related newses - those involving a devilish catses named Hatfield - he is on my last nerve these days. Always using his freakishly limber legs to jump up on tables and counters and eat foodstuffs that should be MINE, based on how I is the most important creature in the house. Here is an example of him being illegally on the counter and also thinking that he is a bird by sitting on these eggs:

There is way too many confusing things happening here. 

So listen to me, Hatfield, when I says that you is on notice. I no is exactly sure what that means, other than that I has been noticing you being extra annoying recently and have taken great pains to chase and bark at you at all possible times. You has been warned.

I hope those foots no accidentally slips and kicks you, Hatfield. 

On guards and ready for actions - from Bunnicula, Hatfield, or any other rude intruders intruding into my personal home.

Stranger Danger with the expert: Gretchen

lyk ongz I is Gretchen!!!!1!111!

Some of you may be familiar with Gretchen, the freakishly long-legged doxador (dachshund-labrador mix) who lives with Grandpa man. She very rudely used to live in MY house, but she kept doing escapings almost every day to gallivant around the neighborhoods with various strangers. One night she slept in another house and she camed home smelling like perfume and cigarettes! That is when Mama and Daddy decided that due to her crazies, she would has a happy out at Grandpa man's farm instead of in our cityish kind of house.

Ahhh, perfect: Gretchen, eleventy thousand miles away from me.

But does you notice how in the above picture there is a orange string tied to her? We thoughted Gretchen would be able to run free in the wind, doing gallivantings around the woods, eating a mole here and theres. Sadly, her affection for strangers led her to always be at the neighbors houses and/or in the middle of the road, like the extremely bad dog that she is.

Hey! You comes back here right now, young doglady!

Then the neighbors was all mad, saying "we is calling the dog police on you!" And they no means the fine upstanding kind of dog polices like Sarge. So now she has to stay in the house, with no moles to chase and not even a stranger's car to hop in and go for a ride.

Her belly has become roundly stout due to her groundings.

Now, I has devised a solution to this problem. All Grandpa man has to does is teach her to sing. Yes that is right, to sing. Some of you may has heard this song "Call Me Maybe." Well, this morning on the way to school me, Mama and Leah made up the perfect song for Gretchen to sing when she is jumping on and/or licking strangers:

Hey, I just met you

And I is crazy

So here's my dog tag

Take me home, please

And all the dogcatchers,

They tries to chase me

So here's my dogtag

Take me home please

In all seriouses, Mama is looking into electronic fence options, like this one she sawed at the store.

Stubborn dog? Yes Mama, I think this is the one we needs.

Does any of you has electric fences? Is they cruel and unusual punishings because of how they does shockings? Can you gets a good one for a reasonable price that will cover like five acres? Mama no has a smart for this, it seems....

ohmydog, pls get me off this string nao!!11!!1!

A trip to the farm for me, a brave and fast dachshund

Aahhhh a freakishly long-legged dachshund-labrador mix!

The lovely photo above is from when I first gotted to the farm. Here is a little bit of backgrounds: Gretchen, the doxie you see here who is trying to attack my beautiful tongue, used to live with us. However she was annoying and also we think part-wolf, for she spent all of her time doing escapings and romping gleefully through the cities. So Gretchen went to live on Grandpa's farm, where she could run free in the wild. Then Grandpa's neighbors got big frowny faces, even though all she ever does is try to lick people to death and jump into their laps. So now she gots to be tied up outside, and she is a Very Sad Dog. I is looking into electric fence options to contain her annoyingness to Grandpa's properties.

I'm Gretchen and I'm Beautiful yet Highly Annoying

 I wrote the part about how she is highly annoying. This next photo is of me running into Grandpa's house to eat all of Gretchen's foodstuffs. It is blurry because I is so fast!

Food food food food food

Mama tooked Gretchen's foodstuffs away from me, on account of how I is a very stout kind of dog.

Mama, can I has the foods that you think is Gretchen's but really they is mine?

Below you will find Gretchen, too dumb to know about my attempts to eat all of her foodstuffs.

I'm Gretchen and I has many more tooths than Reuben. Hehehe.

Then I had to go back outside to pee on some stuff. This picture also has a blurry, but if you look closely you will see the best right leg extension ever executed on a pee spot cover up kick. 

See that red squiggly? It is Gretchen's leash, hehehehe

All these butterflies was hanging out,  but they no has beauties like mine!  

Is that butterfly prettier than me? No, it no is.

Then..... it was time..... for my Big Adventure!

Look how excited I is! My tongue is so long!

We started out in the fields so I could inspect the crops and fertilize the soil. See how Gretchen is on a leash? It is because she is so bad and runs off for hours and hours and the neighbors has a big angry. Hehehe!

I fertilized the soil by pooping on it!

Then my wild animal instincts emerged and I ran and ran and ran! I was pretty much the fastest thing ever.

Also I beat Gretchen at a race, but you no can tell from this photo.

I decided I no was stinky enough, so I rolled in something gross.

I must be the stinkiest Reuben I can be!

Then I had to shake. See how aerodynamic my ears is? I is a highly optimized shaking machine.

I loves to shake, the farm is a very good place for that.

Next I had to both inspect and supervise some of the plantses.

They all is looking good. Good to pee on, anyway.

 Me and Gretchen was tired dogs.

Also we was tongue twins. Best... picture.... ever.

 We felled asleep, except I felled asleep with Mama on this bed and Grandpa felled asleep with Gretchen on his bed. Except the next morning, things was looking rather different:

Something no feels right..... and it feels like Gretchen too.

Even though Gretchen tried to steal my Mama's bed, still I had a amazing farm adventure. Mama says I ranned so fast and was so happy that she will try to take me out there more often! 

In other newses, tomorrow I has my dentals at Vet. Aaaahhhhh! Probably it is for real this time; I no can escape with that whole "bloodwork thing" again.  Please think of me tomorrow while I is having my tooths stolen. I will try very hard to be brave. Actually I always is brave, I no even has to try.