important Statements about my personal self

I feel the time has come to make some very important Statements about my personal self. There are certain things that maybe my blogging friends no is knowing about me, and as the intrepid journalist that I is, it is time to turn the camera inward for a change. Not literally - Mama's camera is out of batteries and if I ever has a camera in my innards, well - probably we is going back to Vet.

This is a file photo of me sniffing Gretchen's butt

So here they is, in no particular order:

• I is soft, like a bunny. Seriously, my fur is the softest dog fur ever. It is hard to tell this on the internets
• I makes a grunty noise when I is happy and a gremlin noise when I is mad
• I has a amazing tattoo - really it is more of a battle scar, for the vet gaved it to me after she stoled my nuggets. It's a cool arrow-looking thing, I will gets my mama to photograph it whenever she gets around to the battery issue
• When Mama is giving me belly rubs and then she forgets to keep doing it, I thrust my prominent manly chest in the air and wiggle around until she remembers that she no is done giving me belly rubs yet
• I has a triangulated patch on my tail with all of the furs missing. Why? I no has any idea
• We share a driveway with our "neighbor." We all knows that this word means "extremely brazen intruder," and I intends to continue terrorizing him until he moves out and gives me back my driveway
• I shakes in the bathtub, but only from COLD. It no is from fear, even though Mama makes the bath waters very warm, still I shivers. From COLDNESS, not fear
• Before I gotted my nuggets stolen at the vet, one of my favorite things to does was hump this other dog across the street. He was a boxer/pit bull mix, so usually I no gotted much higher than his ankles, due to my correct-sized legs
• I gets reverse sneezings all the time. They is most frequent in the middle of the night when Mama has a very important thing to does very early in the morning. She has to wake up and put her hand over my snout so I will stop sneezings, then she no can get back to sleep, so she has to give me belly rubs! It is a great plan of mine
• At home I no will get my foots and belly wet; I will instead do my peeings on the porch. At the farm I will romp happily through the wets all day, peeing on everything to help make it wetter
• We has a pet door that I could (probably)  fit through if I wanted. Instead I prefers to stand at the door and whine and wag my tail until my valet opens it for me

I hope these many interesting facts has given you a great insight into me, Reuben.

Also, I must make it known that my dogblog and Face Books friends is some of the most amazing peoples, dogs and yes, even catses, that ever I has been lucky enough to "meet." Never has I seen a one with my own eyes, in the actual world and not on the internets, and still my friends cared enough about me to help my Mama and Daddy through this hard time with their contributions. I started my ChipIn at about 2pm. I setted it to run through September 7, hoping to maybe reach part of my $469 goal in that time. Four hours later there was enough donations to cover me and Hatfield's vet bills from the past two months, and even a little bit extra too that I will give to my friends Juno and Scout over at Juno's Place, to help with Scout's very expensive surgeries. I made me get a kind of wet feeling in my eyes. I NO WAS crying, probably it was just.... summer allergies. Or cat hairs. I no is exactly sure. I loves you all and I looks forward to many more sharings with all of you.

Love,

Reuben

BREAKING NEWSES: I is going to live!

I ated some chicken broth! And cream cheese! I peed outside and I found my blue chewy. I growled at Mama when she gotted too close to my treat! Mama had a great worry for me - she says she will never does anesthesias of me again. Not even for my tooths! I no eated for almost THREE DAYS. Surely I will look back on this one day and do laughings. Not yet though. It is too soon. I is going to live!!!

Update on my surgicals

Well friends, I gots both good newses and bad newses about the dental surgicals I had on Thursday. Here the good newses is: I gotted to keep all nine of my glorious tooths, and losted not even a single one.

This is me, trying to make a breaking for it.

But instead the nurse gotted me, as you can see.

So Snaggletooth and all of the others is safe. The doctor putted some stuff on my fistulas to close them up too. However, I no has been able to enjoy my nice clean tooths, for I is so very sick from the sleepy medicines they gaved me.

When I first camed home I paced back and forth and whined to alert Mama to the fact that I was about to start some pukings. But it no worked, and so I did many, many pukings all over her bed. Then I throwed up a hairball the size of a tennis ball. It was the biggest hairball Mama ever sawed in her life! She called the vet and they said it was a head-scratcher. Mama scratched her head too, until she discovered all the brown fuzzy fluff from blue Humpy Bed that was strewn all about the floor. Before my surgicals I ated a ton of Humpy Bed stuffing, I has now been busted for that.

That night (Thursday) I no wanted to chase the kitty, chew my chewy, pee on things or has a treat. In fact, I no wanted to eat at all, which is very unlike my stoutly robust self. Mama had a great worry, especially when I no would eat the next morning, and she took me back to Vet for a shot to fix my stomach.

I is all out of floppy tongue joy.

Now it is Saturday morning, and still I no has eated a single thing since Wednesday night. I no has been moving much either. Mama uses blue Humpy Bed (who is now pretty well de-stuffed) to make me more portable; she carries me outside to pee and into the kitchen so I can drinks some waters. I no seems to be in pain to her, but I looks like I is in a different world. A floaty, anistheesius kind of world. I is on my back with my foots in the air and my tongue flopping out.

Vet gave Mama a few medicines to start me on today, but she no can does that until I decides I want to eat something. Now if you will do excusings of me, I is going back to my sleepy medicine world....zzzzzzz.....

A trip to the farm for me, a brave and fast dachshund

Aahhhh a freakishly long-legged dachshund-labrador mix!

The lovely photo above is from when I first gotted to the farm. Here is a little bit of backgrounds: Gretchen, the doxie you see here who is trying to attack my beautiful tongue, used to live with us. However she was annoying and also we think part-wolf, for she spent all of her time doing escapings and romping gleefully through the cities. So Gretchen went to live on Grandpa's farm, where she could run free in the wild. Then Grandpa's neighbors got big frowny faces, even though all she ever does is try to lick people to death and jump into their laps. So now she gots to be tied up outside, and she is a Very Sad Dog. I is looking into electric fence options to contain her annoyingness to Grandpa's properties.

I'm Gretchen and I'm Beautiful yet Highly Annoying

 I wrote the part about how she is highly annoying. This next photo is of me running into Grandpa's house to eat all of Gretchen's foodstuffs. It is blurry because I is so fast!

Food food food food food

Mama tooked Gretchen's foodstuffs away from me, on account of how I is a very stout kind of dog.

Mama, can I has the foods that you think is Gretchen's but really they is mine?

Below you will find Gretchen, too dumb to know about my attempts to eat all of her foodstuffs.

I'm Gretchen and I has many more tooths than Reuben. Hehehe.

Then I had to go back outside to pee on some stuff. This picture also has a blurry, but if you look closely you will see the best right leg extension ever executed on a pee spot cover up kick. 

See that red squiggly? It is Gretchen's leash, hehehehe

All these butterflies was hanging out,  but they no has beauties like mine!  

Is that butterfly prettier than me? No, it no is.

Then..... it was time..... for my Big Adventure!

Look how excited I is! My tongue is so long!

We started out in the fields so I could inspect the crops and fertilize the soil. See how Gretchen is on a leash? It is because she is so bad and runs off for hours and hours and the neighbors has a big angry. Hehehe!

I fertilized the soil by pooping on it!

Then my wild animal instincts emerged and I ran and ran and ran! I was pretty much the fastest thing ever.

Also I beat Gretchen at a race, but you no can tell from this photo.

I decided I no was stinky enough, so I rolled in something gross.

I must be the stinkiest Reuben I can be!

Then I had to shake. See how aerodynamic my ears is? I is a highly optimized shaking machine.

I loves to shake, the farm is a very good place for that.

Next I had to both inspect and supervise some of the plantses.

They all is looking good. Good to pee on, anyway.

 Me and Gretchen was tired dogs.

Also we was tongue twins. Best... picture.... ever.

 We felled asleep, except I felled asleep with Mama on this bed and Grandpa felled asleep with Gretchen on his bed. Except the next morning, things was looking rather different:

Something no feels right..... and it feels like Gretchen too.

Even though Gretchen tried to steal my Mama's bed, still I had a amazing farm adventure. Mama says I ranned so fast and was so happy that she will try to take me out there more often! 

In other newses, tomorrow I has my dentals at Vet. Aaaahhhhh! Probably it is for real this time; I no can escape with that whole "bloodwork thing" again.  Please think of me tomorrow while I is having my tooths stolen. I will try very hard to be brave. Actually I always is brave, I no even has to try.

Reuben's Big Chewsday Post

Friends, a terrible thing happened to me 2 days ago. And it no was my mouth surgeries! There was a misunderestimating about my bloodworks when we got to Vet on Monday morning, so Mama had to do a reschedule of the whole thing!

This is me (and Gretchen), running away from Vet!

I was so excited until I camed home and discovered that Daddy had broken the computer the computer accidentally broke when Daddy was using it. So I no could give an update on my surgicals. Mama says I has to go back to Vet on Thursday now, and has the surgicals for real this time. Of course I had a dislike for this, but my grave concern was for the status of my book, "A Small Dog's Guide to Braveries," which is stored in draft form ON THE COMPUTER and nowhere else. I no is finished writing it yet! (Update: my book is fine).

Since the computer had brokens (the DVD player does too, and also the stereo, and we no has TV either), we all went to Farm yesterday to spend the night and do entertainings of ourselves with Nature. You may recall my last trip to the farm and the extreme amount of groundings I had as a result. But Mama decided that I could go after all. As long as I stays away from the monster chickens this time.

I had so many big adventures at Farm! I did hundreds of runnings through the woods with my ears and tongue flapping free in the winds. There was so much adventurings that I no has time to write all about of them at this time. The computer is fixed now, but Mama is using up all the internets to do "important things" that she "no could do when the computer was broked." Boring!

So I comes back tomorrow with all of the whole story of my Big Farm Adventure. In the meantimes, here is a gratuitous photo from yesterday of my beauties:

 best....day.....ever!!!

Reuben's Sunday Morning Newses Show

Good mornings and welcome to our Sunday morning edition of "Reuben's Week Ahead." Last week had uneventfuls, so now we turns our attentions to the next seven days. With me this morning is my highly annoying Cat Weather Reporter, Hatfield. How it looks out there, Hatfield?

"Well Reuben, the grass is still wet, so small and unmanly dogs like you should pee on the back porch yet again. How many days in a row is that now, Reuben?"

"That is none of your businesses, Stinky Cat. How the traffic is out there?"

"There's been an early morning rush of Nocturnals returning home for a good day's sleep. A person walking by caused quite a stir by the stupid dogs in the vicinity, and the Dog Alarm for "omfg a person is walking by" reverberated throughout the neighborhood, causing an early-morning backup on the Cat Expressway, also known as the runoff drainpipe that goes under the road."

"Thank you for those uninteresting and factually inaccurate reportings, Hatfield. Now we turns our attention to a big developing story: my dentals. Tomorrow I will be unceremoniously dropped off at Vet and given sleepy medicines. Right now it's anyone's guess as to how many tooths Vet will steal. Also of note will be the sewing up of the fistulas on my gums. Monday's shaping up to be a horrible day."

"Sorry to hear that Reuben; should I get out my violin and play a sad little song for you?"

"Your feed is supposed to be turned off, Hatfield. Does I has to fire more producers this week? I hopes not. Speaking of Hatfield, I will be laughing all week and for the rest of infinities at the way Mama now has to shove a pill down his throat twice a day. Vet said his thyroid level was through the roofs and he gots to take medicines every day. I think his Annoying Level is the real problem here, howevers."

"Reuben, you know Mama's been putting pre-surgery antibiotics in your food, right? You are also eating pills twice a day."

"Producers, you is now all fired. Now we turns our attentions to Wednesday, a big day here in my house. At last the long summer has come to an end and people sister Leah will be returning to schools. We expect to see a sharp dropoff in games of Let's Dress Up the Dachshund. Also expected is a steep rise in car ride rates, with increased opportunities for barkings in the school pickup line. In other news, today marks the last day of the Blogville Olympicals. We all has a sadness that the glorious events is coming to an end. However, reports from the scene indicate that the athletes is looking forward to a much-needed reprieve from the Flashy Beast. For some on-the-scenes commentary of the closing ceremonies, we turns to me, Reuben:

"Wow, I is so overcome with emotionals, I no even knows what to say! All of the athletes and hosts worked tirelessly, training for centuries and even weeks to bring us the finest series of events I ever has seen. I is so impressed by how the dogs and catses worked together and never has I had more fun than doing chasings of all those catses. I no can wait for 2014!"

"Tune in tomorrow for the latest newses regarding my tooths. I is hoping to keep Snaggletooth, the best tooth ever, but I no has an optimistic for that. If you will do excusings of me, there is a Stinky Cat named Hatfield I needs to go chase. This is Reuben, signing off for the day."

zzzzzzzz.....

Reuben reviews the organic Treats Factory (which is right next door to Vet)

Is we there yet? Is we there yet? Is we there yet?

When my mama promised me a trip to Treats Factory - the Organic one, no less - I had a great expectation for the outcomings. I was heartened when we first pulled up, for tuna is a very delicious thing to eat. 

Usually Tuna is for kitties.

I thought this might be the entrance, but we was actually headed to a nearby building. I was expecting something better than boring kitty tuna, so eagerly I entered the paradoxically-near-to-Vet Treat Factory. The first thing that greeted me was this:

Security, please remove these fuzzy things!

I had a big unimpressed with my first impression, to say the least. I continued on past the kitties, where I then saw this:

Hmm, I thoughted the treats would be less canned.

They had dry ones too.

Once again, this has unimpressives.

Where all the free samples is, I asked myself? I no even could find a single one! The only other foodstuff-resembling kind of thing I could find was this:

Oh Dog, please help us all.

Lean Treats? LEAN TREATS?! What the french toast is this? And no free samples? Probably because they is gross and no one wants them and they has KITTIES on the package!

Ok, I has to move on to another subject, for I has too many strong opinions about this. What I expected next was to be shown to a table where I could observe the intricacies of the factories and also nom on some seasonal delicacies. Oh how I was wrong.

This place gets a D- for atmospheres. 

This table is too freakishly tall for me! What kind of a Treats Factory is this anyway?! At this point I had skepticals and it appears in the following photo that I was hiding under people sister's chair. I no was! I was bravely sniffing the door, gathering informations to help me write my review!

The minamilist decor is so 1993.

The next thing I knowed, some horrible things was happening. Some peoples in pastel-colored clothes camed in. They stoled my nails and my bloods. And they tried to look at my tooths by putting horrible sticks in my mouth, which I absolutely refused to cooperate with. At this point I began to think that this was in fact the worst Treats Factory in the entire world.

These was my beautiful nails before the nail-stealing incident. 

As soon as I could I hightailed it out of there and got to the relative safety of Car.

These is the secret tooths that I was referring to earlier, which I no has a problem showing in Car.

With the unpleasant Treats Factory in the distance, my spirits began to perk up a bit.

Thank Dog I is done with this factory tour!

 As we droved away I even saw this:

Camp Bow Wow? Why you no tooked me there instead, Mama?

Overall I give this organic Treats Factory 1 star. The complete lack of treats, and lack of factories too, really detracted from the overall experience.

Grrrrrrrrrrrr

The only good part was when these catses was afraid of me. I is a very fearsome dog! That is why this Treats Factory no gets an F.

Handsome picture of me.

In more unrelated newses, Mama says that you can see, from the above photo, how my mouth has problems. Snaggletooth is coming very far out from my gums and Mama says soon it may has to have extractions. I love Snaggletooth and I hopes to never ever let him go. He is very helpful in holding my jaw structure together. Mama says I has a fistula under the part of my beautiful nose that is dark and wet. And she thinks my tooths pain is causing me to be very rude to Daddy and doing bitings of him, and being even more overprotective of my Chewies. There even was a night or twos where I no would even eat dinners, and we all knows what a close thing to my heart dinners is. However, I hates going to Vet, so I is glad Mama has instead taken me to the Treats Factory, even if it was the worst Treats Factory Ever.

The End.

PeeS. I gotted some sausagey treats when I camed home, and they was way better than anything at that uninteresting factory!

I marks this place off the "must see" list.

Last day of the votings for the 2012 Petties

Friends, today is the last day of the votings in the 2012 Petties Awards. Perhaps I has mentioned that I, Reuben, has nominations for Funniest Blog or Blogger of the Year? I is a very modest kind of dog, so likely I no has. If you would like to support me, Reuben, on this very last day of votings, please do a clicking of the button below:

This is the button I was referring to earlier.

They no will announce the winners until September 7, which is about eleventy years away in Reuben years. So probably I will just go back to vigilant napping until Mama wakes me up for the award show. Seriously, they is having a awards show! Friends, I is up against 3 catses for the coveted title, and we all knows how I feels about catses. But in realities, those catses is much more established in their bloggings than me, Reuben, who only has done bloggings for less than one year. Which is like eleventy-hundred Reuben years, by the way. So I no is expecting a big win (although if I no was such a humble dog, I would say how much I totally deserves it and the judges should just give it to me based on my high level of adorableness). All jokings aside, I bears no ill wills to those catses and I has a great happy just for the nominations.

In other newses, I has been very growly and bitey in recent moments, Mama has a suspicious that my nine glorious tooths is hurting again and it maybe is time for more extractions. In an unrelated news story, Mama will take me to the organic Treats Factory on Thursday! She says it is very close to vet's office, but to no has a worry, for even though it might appear that we is going to vet, it no is true. Hatfield the orange kitty does has to go to vet though, for his thyroid test. Mama tolded him that they is going to the Fish Market; seriously how dumb is that kitty, hehehehehehehe!

*Smartness is overrated anyway*

I no has written much about it yet, but I has been on the edge of my seats watching the amazing competings of the Blogville Olympicals. I has appeared in a few events myself and I has a great appreciation for Mayor Frankie and all the hosts for the time they spends to make this the best blog-related Olympicals there ever was!

I hopes the next Olympicals has an ear-flapping event

Important update on my tooths

This morning I is having a sleepy feeling in my head and body. Mama put some medicines in my food, and it tasted weird, and now I no can see my typewriter so well. 

Yesterday I had some down time before my surgeries, so I redesigned my dogblog. It looks much better now. I is a professional!

I has had two more tooths removed and the remaining nine tooths cleaned. I has had lots of bleeding and also sleeping on Mama's lap. But ever since I ate my yucky-tasting food this morning, I no has any feeling at all!

Everyone at the vet of course loved me. I has some new blog fans, and that gives me an excited feeling! I think. Wait, no, I no can feel anything right now. I will likely be excited later.

This is what my mouth looked like the day before my surgeries:

Here you sees some of my eleven tooths.

Here is some others of my eleven tooths.

These is the only pictures ever taken of my mouth insides. I was in a yawny kind of mood, and the batteries no were dead on Mama's camera. But now they are.

Mama took this shot on her phone camera last night. I no even has a remember for that. It is very grainy, but my tongue looks magnificent:

I still has Snaggletooth!

I no is up to any photographs today, especially not ones showing the beautifulness of what is now my nine tooths. Even though I has this silly floaty feeling and not much of a painful, you still no can see inside my mouth. It's MINE!

So I will leaves you with this. It is some of my hard work from a few days ago. I no has an understand why Mama no appreciates it. I worked and worked and worked on this the whole afternoon while she was gone!

Then I was so handsome, nothing else even mattered:

Now I will be laying down in my dog bed. My typewriter keys is blurry and my soulful brown eyes no will even stay open.