Reuben's week in photos

Actually this is kind of my "week in Face Books photos," since many of these has already been posted to my Face Books page and possibly even my Twitters. 

Me and Stinky Monkey is helping with paperworks.

We did so much work that we felled asleep on the hairy rug.

Um.... this no is what it looks like.... look the other way please; there no is anything to see here.... THERE NO IS ANYTHING.

Seriously Mama, why I has to post this picture of Hatfield looking like an Egyptian catses god?

When the compost is on the ground
You must get your mouth around
A tomato.
See what I did there?

There is some who says that Squeaky Hot Dog makes me "insane."
This photo no does anything to help my case. 

This is very bad. A catses infestation to rival no other. 

Here is People Sister, betraying me with the freakishly long-legged Gretchen. 

Finally. Can we please focus on ME?! I is currently accepting applications for belly rubs. All candidates with fingers considered! 

Maybe you is noticing how all of these pictures is in doors. That is because it has been raining for about eleventy days, and also because Mama is very good at forgetting her flashy box when we takes walks. 

In conclusions, I has some *kind of* good newses. The newses is, Mama gotted promotion at work! That means she is allowed to work twice as many hours as she was before. I no has an understand for WHY this is a good thing. Something about having more monies to buy treats and chewies for Reuben, I thinks. Ok, actually it makes perfect sense. Also, on Monday she is starting classes again, which involves lots of listening to lectures and typing of boring things on the computer, hogging up all the interwebs and leaving none for me. And since I does my best writings when I is sitting in her lap, there will be less dogblogging, Face Booking and Twittering for me, Reuben. Already I was slacking in my dogblogging responsibilities, but now the lap I so badly need will be absent much more :( 

Mama says if this semester she can pass her classes, not get fired from her job, and not get disowned by People Sister and Daddy, that she has done a great job! Of course, I will be waiting vigilantly here for her, always willing to bravely accept a belly rub or yawn in her face.

*****

pee S.   My piggies is still at large in the woods. If sighted, please catch them and send them overnight to 

Reuben

Reuben's House and Yard

North Carolinas.

Look out Amazon and Kindle, for here comes Reuben!

Well friends, I has been goned from my dogbloggings for a little while - my chewing, napping and peeing schedules is just OUT OF CONTROL. It seems no matter how much I sleep, how many chews I do, and however much waters I drink (for the peeings), never is I done meeting my many important responsibiities. Oh, and also barking at strangers/people I know/Daddy/anything that moves in a suspicious way.

I has many important responsibilities. 

Right now I is suffering because Mama has taked people sister and NOT me, and gone Away for 6 whole days!!! I is so sad that only bacons can take away this pain. As I said on my Face Books page, it will has to be an entire pig to compensate me for the loss of 6 days with Mama. I will be expecting said pig upon your arrival, MAMA.

AND I has to hang out with this guy. Unfortunately. 

But now for some good newses....

A Guide to Braveries for Small Dogs is now available on Amazon and Kindle!!!

[insert happy wiggle butt dance here]

I also noticed that some peoples was even kind enough to leave me lovely reviews, and I thanks you very much for doing such a thing! If anyone else is so inclined to talk about how amazing I is, I promise to think of you every time I is peeing on something magnificent. Trust me, it is a very big honor! Also, in case you no is knowing, I is giving some of my green papers from selling this book to Almost Home Dachshund Rescue Society so they can continue to help rescue dogs - including seniors like me! - get healthy and find their forever homes.

My, what a handsome senior sort of dog. 

I is a published author now! Yes, my book is off the leash!

Greetings friends, today I is so very excited to announce the publications of my very first book, A Guide to Braveries for Small Dogs!

And to give you an idea of all of the nuggets of wisdoms that is contained therein, here is a lovely video my publisher made for me with excerpts of my wise words!


Reuben, the floppy tongue dachshund from Peggy Haymes on Vimeo.


Now, I know you is probably having some questions. And to answer thems, I has forced bribed Hatfield with cheese to help me answer thems in a conversation.

Hatfield: So, Dog, if I wanted to buy a copy of this book so I could pee on it, where would I theoretically do that?

Reuben: There will be a few places for this, luckily for you, Cat. You may do a purchasing of it directly from my publisher ***here.***  Also I will soon be having it for sale through Almost Home Dachshund Rescue website,  and also on Amazon. My minions is still very busy typing out all of the copies, so these venues will be taking just a little bit longer! If you happen to be attending the 2013 North Carolina Wiener Roast, then you is one lucky kind of creature, for I will be there with my mama and people sister (and maybe even Daddy) to pawtograph my book for you!



Hatfield: If I wanted to obtain a copy of said book for my Kindle, to show to all my Cat friends and laugh at, can I do it?








Reuben: That is in the works for later, because of course my minions will has to scan all the pages onto their internet-enabled typewriters first. Check back in a few months - but if any catses is laughing at it, please know that I reserve all rights to dead them.







Hatfield: So what does a book of this questionable caliber go for these days? Like half a can of tuna maybe?








Reuben: No, Cat. it no does. I suggested eleventy million dollars to my publisher, but they no liked that idea, so now it costing the price of about half a can of organic dog food - $12.00! Is amazing deal to get so many of my wisdoms collected all into one place!







Hatfield: And what do you plan to do with all twelve of those dollars that you might make from the one copy that you might sell to your grandma?








Reuben: If you must know, Cat, I will be donating 10% of profits to Almost Home Dachshund Rescue. The rest of thems will go to help buy our organic petfoodstuffs and probably also a jaunt to Paris on private jet with all of my Blogville friends. We will eat free-range filet mignon, chew up an entire boutique hotel room, and pee on the Louvre! But if we no gets enough monies to finance that trip, maybe we will just go to dog park.





Can you get me a publishing contract too? I would like to release my four thousand page dissertation on feline archetypes in the Dostoevsky canon, it is sure to be a bestseller.










No. Please get out of here before I dead you.

Moving on.... I plans to host a book giveaway right here on Floppy Tongue Joy, so keep on the lookouts for that! I is so very excited, and I no can waits to share my knowledges with all of my lovely friends!

Oh yeah, Reuben writed a BOOK!

Parking Day! I think that is right....

Hello friends, I is so excited about how today is Parking Day! Finn & Charlie and Gizmo has set up this lovely day to encourage all brave dogs to go outside and pee on explore a park. I no has to go far to find my park, for it is across the street from my house. Though I has done many, many peeings in it, there is ALWAYS something new to pee on. It is a fantastic park!

There was a LOT of this going on.

And some of this....

And then some more of this.

What a lovely flower. Now I proceeds to eat it.

Sniffing sniffing sniffing sniffing

 I's almost out of pee, but I must persevere! 

At this house they has chickens in the backyard! Mama has sawed them before, but for some unfair reason I no is allowed to.....

Hold on, I think I can find some more pee for this tree.

Is that a SQUIRREL?! OMFG SQUIRREL!!!1!!1

Here is some Instagram photos that Mama magicked to look nicer than anything she could possibly do with iphone camera:

I posted this picture on my face books, and it said: "Fear me, Reuben, and my mighty bark! Ruff, ruff!"

Lovely flowers. Yes, I peed on them.

This is people sister and her dog "Rufus." "Rufus" is a brown dachshund who sings  "Do You Love Me (Now That I Can Dance)." I is a little jealous of "Rufus." 

What a beautiful spring day!

When people sister was littler she started calling this gazebo "the pirate ship." We still calls it that. 

Another view of the pirate ship.

Parking Day was fantastic! However...... I got very involved in pooping on and then kicking a large pile of leaves, which resulted in me having a very gross hindquarter region. So.....

AAAAHHHHHHHHH

Oh, the humanities....

I think I sees escape route....

THERE IS NO ESCAPE!!!

Still, Parking Day was a lot of fun. And surely I will do it all over again in a couple of days! Thanks Finn, Charlie and Gizmo for establishing this lovely holiday.

It's MY dogblog. MINE!!!

Greetings friends, I has spented that past week chasing and barking at Hatfield for stealing my dogblog, and only now has stopped to rest. What a week! Hatfield April foolsed me, in case you no is knowing, by taking over my dogblog and face books and threatening to post reviews of opera and expensive cognacs. Oh the humanities!

AAAAHHHHHH THIS HAS UNACCEPTABLES

now I is back, and never again will I let him distract me for 87 hours with organic peanut butter filled Kongs while he steals all of my social medias.

Not only does mama has many busies, but now also she has developed carpel-tunnel kind of problem and typings is very difficult. In fact her whole bodies has goned haywire and it is hard for her to go up and down stairs and even to pick things up or open cans of dog food. Just only a few days ago she was working out at gym and fine, and now barely she can move! I's hoping is pinched nerve or something that will heal soon.

How she will hold me in her arms now? NOOOOOOO

Bark at you all laters.....

I am Hatfield. Reuben's dogblog is now my catblog.

Hatfield, a perfect cat who is better than Reuben in every possible way.

Greetings, readers of Reuben's highly distasteful dogblog. This is Hatfield, the true and rightful king of my house and all of the things in it, and also my yard, and some other people's yards too. I rule from my kingly perch high atop the refrigerator, and Reuben scrambles around far below on the floor, barking at nothing  and being smelly.

In all my kingly glory.

Therefore, it is time I asserted my dominence over said Reuben by taking over his dogblog. Permanently. It shall now be called Hatfield's Distinguished Catblog, and it will feature me, Hatfield, saying smart things and posting videos of me knocking breakable things over to call attention to the fact that my food bowl is empty. At least, empty of the kind of food that I would prefer to be in it.

I know that many of you are, for some reason, fond of Reuben's rediculous tongue. And I am here to tell you that my tongue is much more textured and interesting. No, you may not see it.

Fine, you may see this much of it.

Now, allow me to tell you MY adoption story. Actually there's no "allowing" involved; I'm going to tell it to you anyway. It is much more interesting than Reuben's.

When I was but a kitten-ish age, I found myself in the unfortunate situation of being a homeless cat. However, I am a highly intelligent and also handsome cat, so I made my way to what can only be called the Palace of Homeless Kitties. Mother, please insert the picture now.

Palacial, isn't it.

Notice how it says "& GOURMET TAKE-OUT" across the top. I could not agree more with this completely correct advertising, as I took out quite a bit of gourmet take-out from the trash out back. If you're going to be homeless, might as well do it right. With fish.

Anyway, Mother's friend worked at a veterinary hospital nearby, and happened to come across a very dirty and fishy-smelling Me as I was perusing the contents of the Dumpster one day. At first I was a little miffed by being removed from my food source, given a bath, and put into a box. But then the cat food started coming, and believe me, it was a lot less rancid than my usual fare. I abhor things that stink (i.e. Reuben), so it was a relief to finally have clean fur. However, the bath was not to my liking.

Mother was far away in her first semester of college, and frankly she was a little lonely. Her friend called her and said "I have found a very dignified and snuggly cat, would you like him to live in your dorm room with you?"

I am the snuggliest cat ever.

And that is what happened. I spent a lot of time sleeping and playing with string in Mother's dorm room. I helped her make friends by being an attractive cat who garnered much attention from the other girls. However, I think they did not appreciate the odors eminating from my litter box in the closet. Her dorm boss lady found she did not care for me either after she discovered me wandering the hallway, but after some pleading and perhaps a few tears (from Mother, NOT me), she allowed me to stay.

Mother was concerned that I wasn't getting enough excercise, so she purchased a cat collar and a leash and attempted to walk me about the college grounds. This experiment was unsuccessful. So as soon as she could, she moved to a place called "off-campus" and then I was free to become the master of my domain that I currently am. I did this by peeing on many, many things. It is the one thing that Reuben and I have in common.

A few years later Kanga came to live with us. As a female orange cat she was "special." And I don't mean in the way that female orange cats are "rare." Kanga really was just stupid, but Mother loved her for some reason. I took the advent of Kanga as a sign that it was time to establish my mark inside the house, on as many surfaces as possible.

Kanga, also a shelter kitty.

And I did not stop until Kanga tragically passed away in 2011. I prefers not to talk about it, for it calls into question my own mortality, especially as my mortality relates to vicious racoons and the food dish in my neighbor's backyard. Getting choked up.... excuse me..... ............ ok, moving on. Occasionally I miss her stupid fluffy little butt, especially when I am peeing on things.

I have come a long way from being a homeless cat at Hadfield's Seafood over 13 years ago. I am very proud of myself.

Obviously.

Why, you may ask, is my name "Hatfield" instead of "Hadfield?" It sounded better. That is why.

My amazing triumph over adversity is reason enough for this dogblog to now become my catblog. The other reasons are that I am

• smarter
• handsomer
• more interesting
• cleaner
• ovbiously the one in charge of the house

Therefore, you may expect to read solely posts about me, Hatfield, from now on. Reuben isn't happy about it, but I am keeping him distracted with things that smell bad and are squeaky, and also a steady supply of peanut butter stuffed into a frustrating device designed to keep dogs distracted. However, he keeps foiling that device with his extremely long tongue. Really he licks all the peanut butter out at once. I must make a mental note to purchase a long-tongue-dog-proof contraption. 

What you may expect to read form me here are reviews of classic literature, fine cognacs and opera, as well as my philosophical musings on why I am the best creature that has ever existed on planet earth. Ever. I look forward to a lasting and fulfilling relationship with Reuben's audience. Lord knows you need the benefit of my wisdom, if you have been following the misadventures of this highly stupid dog.

That's correct. This is now Hatfield's Catblog. Deal with it.