Look out Amazon and Kindle, for here comes Reuben!

Well friends, I has been goned from my dogbloggings for a little while - my chewing, napping and peeing schedules is just OUT OF CONTROL. It seems no matter how much I sleep, how many chews I do, and however much waters I drink (for the peeings), never is I done meeting my many important responsibiities. Oh, and also barking at strangers/people I know/Daddy/anything that moves in a suspicious way.

I has many important responsibilities. 

Right now I is suffering because Mama has taked people sister and NOT me, and gone Away for 6 whole days!!! I is so sad that only bacons can take away this pain. As I said on my Face Books page, it will has to be an entire pig to compensate me for the loss of 6 days with Mama. I will be expecting said pig upon your arrival, MAMA.

AND I has to hang out with this guy. Unfortunately. 

But now for some good newses....

A Guide to Braveries for Small Dogs is now available on Amazon and Kindle!!!

[insert happy wiggle butt dance here]

I also noticed that some peoples was even kind enough to leave me lovely reviews, and I thanks you very much for doing such a thing! If anyone else is so inclined to talk about how amazing I is, I promise to think of you every time I is peeing on something magnificent. Trust me, it is a very big honor! Also, in case you no is knowing, I is giving some of my green papers from selling this book to Almost Home Dachshund Rescue Society so they can continue to help rescue dogs - including seniors like me! - get healthy and find their forever homes.

My, what a handsome senior sort of dog. 

Black-and-white Sundae

cheese papers and green papers - what an exciting morning!

Friends, this morning I went on a grand adventure! There was so many magical, mythical places on our trip; hardly I knows where to begin. Oh wait, yes I does. I was so excited for the journey that I immediately throwed up on the passenger seat. I was right next to Mama's old sweatshirt, but I decided for personal reasons that really it would be best to puke on the upholstery. Geez Mama, I was trying to save your old sweatshirt!

You're welcome.

After a nice ride with my nose stuck out the window, quivering with excitement, and my ears flapping in the wind, we went to a place called "coffee shop." Mama lefted me in the car while she went in, unfortunately, but I had a great time barking at all of the uncaffinated passerbys and when she came out, she had a cup of Mama Juice and a sandwich too! She put sandwich into her purse and then we started driving again.

wheeeeeeeeeee

At a stoplight a nice man was selling newspapers, so of course I growled and barked at him with brave ferocities through my open window. He came up to the car (maybe he is deaf...? I was barking very loudly and fiercely) and says "how old he is? About 5?" Mama laughed and then made up a number for my age, since we no knows how old I is at all, only that I is dignified senior gentleman. His jaw dropped and we sped away down the road!

I no looks a day over 5, it is because I takes good care of my personal Self! With lots of sleeping.

The next stop on our journey was called "bank." Again I had to stay in car while Mama went inside and did something boring with green papers. When she came out, that is when she opened the sandwich! She helped me eat it.

She says that I helped her eat it. This no is true.

Finally we drove to a place called "house that mama and daddy used to live in but now they rent it out and the tenant got evicted moved out and now they wants to put it on the market but first has to pay some repairmans some monies to fix all of the broken things." I guess that is what she needed the green papers for. Again she very rudely left me in the car, but this time she also lefted her coffee cup and the cheese paper from the sandwich! When she camed back I had nommed on the cheese paper and done a very thorough licking of the top of her coffee cup. "Oh Reuben..." she sighed, probably because I is adorable.

Carefully I eyes my prey as I waits for the right moment to strike.

and that moment is...... NOW!!!!!!!

Then it was time to go home. I peed on my favorite plant as soon as I got out of the car. Well, maybe it no is my favorite, but it is definitely in the top 3. I sniffed and peed for a while, and Mama was having impatients, so she said "Reuben.... wanna eat?" and that usually works to get me inside. Except Mama was standing outside for so long waiting for me to finish sniffing and peeing that she forgot about how I licked all over her coffee cup and she started drinking it again. I came inside and had a little breakfastings, and now I has retired to the couch for my mid-morning nap. What an exciting day! Can we does it again tomorrow, Mama?

Oh how I loves to sniff things!

Sniff them, and then pee on them.

I has been dog-shamed.

Oh, the humanities....

Yes it is true.

tongue looks good though.

oh my, it is a very handsome tongue!

I was so upset about being dog-shamed that I almost fell off the couch.

In other newses, I has a big surprise coming soon..... I no is telling what it is either, that would make it an un-surprise! I will tells it when the timings is right :)

Black and white Sundae

Wordless Wednesdays and my 100th blog post

Reuben's Sunday Morning Newses Show

Good mornings and welcome to our Sunday morning edition of "Reuben's Week Ahead." Last week had uneventfuls, so now we turns our attentions to the next seven days. With me this morning is my highly annoying Cat Weather Reporter, Hatfield. How it looks out there, Hatfield?

"Well Reuben, the grass is still wet, so small and unmanly dogs like you should pee on the back porch yet again. How many days in a row is that now, Reuben?"

"That is none of your businesses, Stinky Cat. How the traffic is out there?"

"There's been an early morning rush of Nocturnals returning home for a good day's sleep. A person walking by caused quite a stir by the stupid dogs in the vicinity, and the Dog Alarm for "omfg a person is walking by" reverberated throughout the neighborhood, causing an early-morning backup on the Cat Expressway, also known as the runoff drainpipe that goes under the road."

"Thank you for those uninteresting and factually inaccurate reportings, Hatfield. Now we turns our attention to a big developing story: my dentals. Tomorrow I will be unceremoniously dropped off at Vet and given sleepy medicines. Right now it's anyone's guess as to how many tooths Vet will steal. Also of note will be the sewing up of the fistulas on my gums. Monday's shaping up to be a horrible day."

"Sorry to hear that Reuben; should I get out my violin and play a sad little song for you?"

"Your feed is supposed to be turned off, Hatfield. Does I has to fire more producers this week? I hopes not. Speaking of Hatfield, I will be laughing all week and for the rest of infinities at the way Mama now has to shove a pill down his throat twice a day. Vet said his thyroid level was through the roofs and he gots to take medicines every day. I think his Annoying Level is the real problem here, howevers."

"Reuben, you know Mama's been putting pre-surgery antibiotics in your food, right? You are also eating pills twice a day."

"Producers, you is now all fired. Now we turns our attentions to Wednesday, a big day here in my house. At last the long summer has come to an end and people sister Leah will be returning to schools. We expect to see a sharp dropoff in games of Let's Dress Up the Dachshund. Also expected is a steep rise in car ride rates, with increased opportunities for barkings in the school pickup line. In other news, today marks the last day of the Blogville Olympicals. We all has a sadness that the glorious events is coming to an end. However, reports from the scene indicate that the athletes is looking forward to a much-needed reprieve from the Flashy Beast. For some on-the-scenes commentary of the closing ceremonies, we turns to me, Reuben:

"Wow, I is so overcome with emotionals, I no even knows what to say! All of the athletes and hosts worked tirelessly, training for centuries and even weeks to bring us the finest series of events I ever has seen. I is so impressed by how the dogs and catses worked together and never has I had more fun than doing chasings of all those catses. I no can wait for 2014!"

"Tune in tomorrow for the latest newses regarding my tooths. I is hoping to keep Snaggletooth, the best tooth ever, but I no has an optimistic for that. If you will do excusings of me, there is a Stinky Cat named Hatfield I needs to go chase. This is Reuben, signing off for the day."

zzzzzzzz.....

A Public Service Announcing and a floppy tongue lady dog

Last Wednesday I posted some photos of my cousin Tater Tot. We no looks very much alike, for I is a dog and she is unfortunately a catses. Today I introduces you to my floppy tongue cousin Winnie.

What does you mean we looks nothing alike? We is obviously twin cousins.

Perhaps I has taken some liberties with the definition of "cousin." Cousins can be based soley on specific characteristics, like a tongue. So yes, that is the correct definition. Anyway, Winnie is a hospice dog at Wisconsin Chihuahua Rescue who has many beloveds. She is thirteen years old (maybe I is that old too, I no knows), and she gots some medical problems, most obviously how she has losted all of her tooths (I still gots nine left). All the volunteers loves this pretty lady, and I loves her too. Her tongue flops bravely to the side - just like mine!

This is a file photo from Christmas, my tongue looks great!

All I is here to say is that while floppy tongue beauties like me and Winnie is the adorablest thing ever, we has our floppy tongues because we no gotted good dental care in our youths. If you is a breed of dog who is prone to tooths problems, like one of those listed belows, please go get your dentals taken care of! If you is currently the President of the United States, please you can write "universal dog dental health coverage" into whatever bill you is about to sign?

• Toy Poodle
• Yorkshire Terrier
• Maltese
• Pomeranian
• Shetland Sheepdog
• Cavalier King Charles Spaniel
• Papillion
• Standard Poodle
• Dachshund
• Havanese

(source)

and just for good measures:

This has been a Rare Public Announcing from me, Reuben.

PeeS. This year's Blogville Olympicals has truly been the most awe-inspiring yet. This is because it is my first year, and I has a great awe for the many talented and brave contestants! 

PeePeeS. Mama says my dental surgeries is scheduled for next week. In some unrelated newses, I will be hiding from her all of next week. 

A lovely note from my people sister

"Reuben, we love you. We love your tongue and your Snaggletooth! You are a very good sun-dog. Thank you for protecting us."

I loves you too Leah!

Reuben reviews the organic Treats Factory (which is right next door to Vet)

Is we there yet? Is we there yet? Is we there yet?

When my mama promised me a trip to Treats Factory - the Organic one, no less - I had a great expectation for the outcomings. I was heartened when we first pulled up, for tuna is a very delicious thing to eat. 

Usually Tuna is for kitties.

I thought this might be the entrance, but we was actually headed to a nearby building. I was expecting something better than boring kitty tuna, so eagerly I entered the paradoxically-near-to-Vet Treat Factory. The first thing that greeted me was this:

Security, please remove these fuzzy things!

I had a big unimpressed with my first impression, to say the least. I continued on past the kitties, where I then saw this:

Hmm, I thoughted the treats would be less canned.

They had dry ones too.

Once again, this has unimpressives.

Where all the free samples is, I asked myself? I no even could find a single one! The only other foodstuff-resembling kind of thing I could find was this:

Oh Dog, please help us all.

Lean Treats? LEAN TREATS?! What the french toast is this? And no free samples? Probably because they is gross and no one wants them and they has KITTIES on the package!

Ok, I has to move on to another subject, for I has too many strong opinions about this. What I expected next was to be shown to a table where I could observe the intricacies of the factories and also nom on some seasonal delicacies. Oh how I was wrong.

This place gets a D- for atmospheres. 

This table is too freakishly tall for me! What kind of a Treats Factory is this anyway?! At this point I had skepticals and it appears in the following photo that I was hiding under people sister's chair. I no was! I was bravely sniffing the door, gathering informations to help me write my review!

The minamilist decor is so 1993.

The next thing I knowed, some horrible things was happening. Some peoples in pastel-colored clothes camed in. They stoled my nails and my bloods. And they tried to look at my tooths by putting horrible sticks in my mouth, which I absolutely refused to cooperate with. At this point I began to think that this was in fact the worst Treats Factory in the entire world.

These was my beautiful nails before the nail-stealing incident. 

As soon as I could I hightailed it out of there and got to the relative safety of Car.

These is the secret tooths that I was referring to earlier, which I no has a problem showing in Car.

With the unpleasant Treats Factory in the distance, my spirits began to perk up a bit.

Thank Dog I is done with this factory tour!

 As we droved away I even saw this:

Camp Bow Wow? Why you no tooked me there instead, Mama?

Overall I give this organic Treats Factory 1 star. The complete lack of treats, and lack of factories too, really detracted from the overall experience.

Grrrrrrrrrrrr

The only good part was when these catses was afraid of me. I is a very fearsome dog! That is why this Treats Factory no gets an F.

Handsome picture of me.

In more unrelated newses, Mama says that you can see, from the above photo, how my mouth has problems. Snaggletooth is coming very far out from my gums and Mama says soon it may has to have extractions. I love Snaggletooth and I hopes to never ever let him go. He is very helpful in holding my jaw structure together. Mama says I has a fistula under the part of my beautiful nose that is dark and wet. And she thinks my tooths pain is causing me to be very rude to Daddy and doing bitings of him, and being even more overprotective of my Chewies. There even was a night or twos where I no would even eat dinners, and we all knows what a close thing to my heart dinners is. However, I hates going to Vet, so I is glad Mama has instead taken me to the Treats Factory, even if it was the worst Treats Factory Ever.

The End.

PeeS. I gotted some sausagey treats when I camed home, and they was way better than anything at that uninteresting factory!

I marks this place off the "must see" list.

Wordless Wednesday

Me and My Chewy

In case you was needing more proofs of my brave ferocities, I submits for you exhibit A:

Grrrr

This is Stinky Chewy. You may remember him from my trip to Pet Smart a while back:

Somebody please tell Mama to pull these weeds before they eats our house.

For a few days I no could stop chewing him and making him stinkier. Then I gotted bored with Stinky Chewy. In the last week I has realized that I no can live without Stinky Chewy, and if you tries to take him from me, I will attempt to bite you will all two of my front tooths:

These is the ones I was referring to.

Please see exhibits B, C and D for further proofs of my ferocious chewings.

B

C

D

Mama tooked some neat videos of me growling at Daddy when he was rudely trying to take Stinky Chewy away from me. In them I does my best impression of a gremlin. Mama says she will put them on You Tubes. I will believe that when I sees it. Here is an extraneous picture of my magnificent tongue, which I uses to spread joy all over the Internets!

This is floppy tongue joy!