Good mornings and welcome to our Sunday morning edition of "Reuben's Week Ahead." Last week had uneventfuls, so now we turns our attentions to the next seven days. With me this morning is my highly annoying Cat Weather Reporter, Hatfield. How it looks out there, Hatfield?
"Well Reuben, the grass is still wet, so small and unmanly dogs like you should pee on the back porch yet again. How many days in a row is that now, Reuben?"
"That is none of your businesses, Stinky Cat. How the traffic is out there?"
"There's been an early morning rush of Nocturnals returning home for a good day's sleep. A person walking by caused quite a stir by the stupid dogs in the vicinity, and the Dog Alarm for "omfg a person is walking by" reverberated throughout the neighborhood, causing an early-morning backup on the Cat Expressway, also known as the runoff drainpipe that goes under the road."
"Thank you for those uninteresting and factually inaccurate reportings, Hatfield. Now we turns our attention to a big developing story: my dentals. Tomorrow I will be unceremoniously dropped off at Vet and given sleepy medicines. Right now it's anyone's guess as to how many tooths Vet will steal. Also of note will be the sewing up of the fistulas on my gums. Monday's shaping up to be a horrible day."
"Sorry to hear that Reuben; should I get out my violin and play a sad little song for you?"
"Your feed is supposed to be turned off, Hatfield. Does I has to fire more producers this week? I hopes not. Speaking of Hatfield, I will be laughing all week and for the rest of infinities at the way Mama now has to shove a pill down his throat twice a day. Vet said his thyroid level was through the roofs and he gots to take medicines every day. I think his Annoying Level is the real problem here, howevers."
"Reuben, you know Mama's been putting pre-surgery antibiotics in your food, right? You are also eating pills twice a day."
"Producers, you is now all fired. Now we turns our attentions to Wednesday, a big day here in my house. At last the long summer has come to an end and people sister Leah will be returning to schools. We expect to see a sharp dropoff in games of Let's Dress Up the Dachshund. Also expected is a steep rise in car ride rates, with increased opportunities for barkings in the school pickup line. In other news, today marks the last day of the Blogville Olympicals. We all has a sadness that the glorious events is coming to an end. However, reports from the scene indicate that the athletes is looking forward to a much-needed reprieve from the Flashy Beast. For some on-the-scenes commentary of the closing ceremonies, we turns to me, Reuben:
"Wow, I is so overcome with emotionals, I no even knows what to say! All of the athletes and hosts worked tirelessly, training for centuries and even weeks to bring us the finest series of events I ever has seen. I is so impressed by how the dogs and catses worked together and never has I had more fun than doing chasings of all those catses. I no can wait for 2014!"
"Tune in tomorrow for the latest newses regarding my tooths. I is hoping to keep Snaggletooth, the best tooth ever, but I no has an optimistic for that. If you will do excusings of me, there is a Stinky Cat named Hatfield I needs to go chase. This is Reuben, signing off for the day."