A musical Humpy Day

Hello friends, on this auspishious Humpy Day I would like to bring you some beautiful musics. Maybe you no is knowing this about me, but I is a amazing songwriter. In fact, I is writing all of these fantabulous songs that pop tarts pop stars is always stealing from me! I has a call in to my lawyer about this travesty. In the meantime, here is just a few of the #1 hits that I has penned.

Obviously, I was very young when I wroted this song, but I stands firmly behind it as an example of my artistry. This is a rare example of one of my songs being stoled with all of the words to the chorus completely intact (just like I was at this time):




Of course, Adele has butchered my beautiful song "Reuben Has It." Just listen!



Terrible. Here is the correct lyricals:

"Reuben Has It"

I is big; I sprays my pee on the ground
I took my Chewy from you, and now you has a big frown
I likes to chew cause it feels good on my tooths
Now Reuben has it, and I never needs no excuse

Reuben has it (grrrr)
Reuben has it (grrrr)
Reuben has it (grrrr)
Reuben has it (grrrr)

Next up is a song that I was just a puppy when I wroted it. Of course, the lyricals is wrong again:




Here is the correct lyricals:
(*editor's note: People Sister actually wrote this one all by herself!)

"Reuben the Magic Dachshund"

Reuben the magic dachshund lived in a house
He liked to frolic on the farm way outside of town
He has a floppy tongue and a snaggle tooth
And likes to pee on every tree, and has a cat in his house, so back off! 

Reuben the magic dachshund lived in a house
He liked to frolic on the farm way outside of town
He has chewies and beds to keep him satisfied,
And to keep his teeth from hurting, because he only has nine of them.


Clearly, friends, I is owed many royalties from all of these hard works. If my lawyer no can work out the logisticals on this one, then I plans to go pee on their legs.

Reuben's 6th of July with some rude lady dogs

Friends, yesterday I had slightly-delayed 4th of July celebration that I has given the highly creative name of "6th of July" to. Me and Mama and Daddy and People Sister wented to Grandpa man's house (which of course is where Gretchen lives), and Great Auntie C camed over with her dog Maisy, and my BFF Daisy camed over from next door. As the only male kind of dog in this arrangement, I thoughted I would get all the attentions. This turned out to NO be true!

Ladies... I is over here... please to no crowd all around me at once.

Um... I said I is over here.... hello?

Oh hi there Maisy, what's that? You is on your way to kitchen? Okays, see you later I guess.

Doesn't ANYDOG want to play with me?

But all of that was forgotted when I gotted THIS:

Holy molies, my very own hot dog, all for my Self!

I see how it is, Daisy. You only wants me for my hot dog, you harpy!

Then Daisy gotted sent home because she rudely ated Gretchen's hamburger. Then Gretchen did that thing she does where she goes and stands near Maisy and annoys her, so Maisy started growling at her. Meanwhile, I was content to finish my hot dog and then walk around peeing on many, many things. But then..... THIS started to happen:

Great Auntie C, it's a twister!

It no was a twister, just our thrice-daily thunderstorm. I got up on the car to bark those thunderboomers away! (Okay, Mama lifted me onto the car).

Grrrrrrr thunderboomers, I will dead you!

Then I gotted busy looking at my handsome self in the car window.

Why the ladies no wants a piece of Reuben? I looks amazing.

And before I knowed it....

AAAHHHH here it comes, run for your lifes!!!1!!11!

Oh well - at least we had an hour without rain to has our picnic. Now friends, I must mention that Daisy - who WAS my BFF - is now BFFs with Gretchen and not me. Probably on account of how Gretchen likes to "play" and "run around" and "jump," and other things that senior wieners like myself is too dignified to does. I played a little bit with Daisy, but mostly she and Gretchen just taked off and ignored me - Reuben. Now I has yet ANOTHER reason to be mad at Gretchen - as if I needed another one!

Look out Amazon and Kindle, for here comes Reuben!

Well friends, I has been goned from my dogbloggings for a little while - my chewing, napping and peeing schedules is just OUT OF CONTROL. It seems no matter how much I sleep, how many chews I do, and however much waters I drink (for the peeings), never is I done meeting my many important responsibiities. Oh, and also barking at strangers/people I know/Daddy/anything that moves in a suspicious way.

I has many important responsibilities. 

Right now I is suffering because Mama has taked people sister and NOT me, and gone Away for 6 whole days!!! I is so sad that only bacons can take away this pain. As I said on my Face Books page, it will has to be an entire pig to compensate me for the loss of 6 days with Mama. I will be expecting said pig upon your arrival, MAMA.

AND I has to hang out with this guy. Unfortunately. 

But now for some good newses....

A Guide to Braveries for Small Dogs is now available on Amazon and Kindle!!!

[insert happy wiggle butt dance here]

I also noticed that some peoples was even kind enough to leave me lovely reviews, and I thanks you very much for doing such a thing! If anyone else is so inclined to talk about how amazing I is, I promise to think of you every time I is peeing on something magnificent. Trust me, it is a very big honor! Also, in case you no is knowing, I is giving some of my green papers from selling this book to Almost Home Dachshund Rescue Society so they can continue to help rescue dogs - including seniors like me! - get healthy and find their forever homes.

My, what a handsome senior sort of dog. 

I gots a new BFF!

Never did I think I would says this, but I has finded another dog that I actually played with. And I liked it!

Here is the story...

I was minding my businesses, walking around Grandpa man's yard and peeing on stuffs like usual. I no noticed the the dog in the distance.

That would make a good novel title: "Dog in the Distance." Does you see him all the way back there?

He approached me, and at first I was like:

Um, what you is doing, strange dog?

And then I was like:

Grr and ruff, strange dog - I will dead you!!!

But then I was all:

Ahhhhhh! Get out of here Gretchen, and quit  humping me too!!!

The pictures is all blurry - because THAT is how fast we was going. It was very fast! Mama thoughted my new BFF was playing a little too rough with me, and she carried me inside. But I barked and barked to go back out! Sometimes BFF and Gretchen would run off together, and I no can run as fast as thems on account of my seniorness and also my correct-sized legs, but BFF always came back to me for more playings. I no knows BFF's actual name, for he is new dog of Grandpa man's next door neighbors and we no has been properly introduced. He did nip my ear a few times, which I no really appreciated, and Mama has a worry for how he might be playing with me as he grows into a not-puppy. As you can sees, BFF has freakishly log legs, and they only will get freakisher. But for now, I no can waits to go to farm again and play with my new BFF!

Can we go  now? Now? How about, oh, I no knows - NOW?

That no was the only fun part of my day at the farm, for also I has taked a ride in the farm truck!

While I was in there, I had a delightful cicada snack. Those cicadas is EVERYWHERE, does you know they only comes out every 17 years? That is why they makes so much noise; they is making up for lost time.

Is a delicacy. 

Also, I has finded this thing:

Um.... I no wants to know. Really. 

It was such a fun day that I went home and fell very fast asleep.

Yes, that is people sister's doll. Sorry, people sister.

Now. I has just one more thing to says. Friends, my book has traveled across the big waters and made it ALL THE WAY to the Netherregions.... I mean, to the Netherlands. I hope Minet de Boer and my fine fuzzy friend Toby likes it. *wrings paws* How I will live with my personal self if they no does?! (I has a secret fear of rejections big hopeful that they will likes it). I hear that Toby does like to read books, and also to chew on shoes.

Mama wants to squish him due to his fuzzy adorableness. 

A staycation for Reuben.... kind of

Friends, it has been too long since I tooked a proper vacationing. The demands of constant napping and chewing, as well as the prohibitive cost of absolutely everything, has made it very hard to does all of the travelings I loves to does. First I travels to a place. Then I gets out of the car and begin the satisfying task of peeing on every single thing I sees. Oh how I misses that! So I has decided to take a virtual vacation - or a staycation - today, and to bring all of my dogblogging friends along with me. Here we goes....

the Blue Ridge Parkway

I think something is missing from this ski slope.

Yes, this river is to my liking.

neat water wheel

some Blue Ridge mountains

fun river that I no gotted to visit due to the rough terrain

same thing, different river. 

I is too senior for all of this.

OMD, that looks like the coldest bath evers!

I did a great job of supervising the horses on our friends' mountain farm.

More of the horse supervising I referred to earlier.

It was only a day trip to mountains, so now we comes back home to my lovely city for a big night out:

And then we puts our hands up, like the ceiling no can hold us!

Thanks for hanging out with me today!


Pee S. My very first book is now available for purchasings on my publisher's website!It will be coming to Amazons and Kindles in the summer.

The story behind me and freakishly long-legged Gretchen

Good mornings friends! I is just finishing up Second Breakfast; it is composed of the coconut tempehs that Mama no likes as much as she used to, apparently. However, I should be eating coconut BACONS right now, on account of the indignities I suffered yesterday.

If you is following me on face books, then probably you knows the source of my grief from yesterday. 

file photo of all that is unholy.

And some peoples was asking, "hey Reuben, you handsome an brave dachshund - why you has such a powerful dislike for Gretchen? She looks sweet enough."

Friends, if Gretchen was trying to steal your chewies, your place on the couch, your foodstuffs, your place in the bed, your humpy bed, your people family, and your entire house, I's thinking you might feel differently about her. 

Mama and Daddy adopted Gretchen from Almost Home Dachshund Rescue, which is the same nice rescue group that helped pay for my mouth surgicals. Mama and Daddy thoughted I needed a friend to play with, on account of how I sleep so much - they thought I might be BORED. Little did they know that I was vigilantly sleeping to protect the house!  Also people sister wanted Gretchen to be my girlfriend, which was a terrible mistake. To make a (freakishly) long story short, you can read all about why Gretchen went to live on the farm with Grandpa man *** here***. But we no gotted along almost all of the time, though occasional photos has been snapped of us sitting near to each other when I had a momentary letting down of my vigilant guard. Some has even gone so far to suggest that Gretchen is BIGGER than me, which is a outrageous lie. Just because she has longer legs than me (freakishly long, might I add), and maybe weighs more than me, and is slightly longer in the torso, it NO MEANS that she is bigger! Because as we all knows, I is basically the biggest dog who ever has existed. 

We still sees each other fairly often. Sometimes I go out to the farm to pee on things visit, and sometimes she comes over here to steal my chewies and try to escape out the kitty door visit. And yesterday, I had one of those unfortunate visitings of her coming to my house. Mostly she just tries to "play" with me, and obsessively licks my face, which I HATES because that is where the very sensitive area of my mouth is located. So I growls fiercely, but she no pays attention, and sometimes tries to sit on me (oh the humanities!) When she first camed to live with us - and I is only telling you this because of my sincere and unwavering trust in you all - Gretchen actually tried to hump me on multiple occasions. And I no could hump her back on account of her freakishly long legs! So I would then find the closest soft object and make a huge deal out of humping it in front of her, and she would does the same thing, and let me tells you - there was a LOT of inanimate-object-humping during those first few weeks. We was both trying to establish our dominence, and since we is neutered and spayed, blankies, pillows and humpy beds took the brunt of our efforts.

As you can see, this is basically the greatest affront to my personal Self, ever. 

Moving on. So yesterday Gretchen came for a babysitting while Daddy and Grandpa man were working on some house-fixing stuffs. Here is a full account of our unfortunate day, in photos:

blatant betrayal by people sister.

Unapologetic theft of my meaty stick.

Still chewing on MY meaty stick. In MY place on top of the couch.

Licking me on my sensitive mouth

Me, sulking and angrily chewing on a blankie and no looking at Gretchen the intruder.

Also, Mama and people sister tooked us on a walk together (in MY park), except Mama forgotted to bring camera in all the craziness of getting out the door. I took an extra long time peeing on everything while Gretchen ranned ahead with people sister using her freakishly long legs.FINALLY Grandpa man camed to pick her up, and all was restored to the natural and correct order of things. Which is me, Reuben, being an Only Dog and doing it amazingly well.


Pee S. The 2013 North Carolina Wiener Roast is coming up very soon, and oh man, did I has a blast last year!  I maybe no will enter the wiener race again this year, on account of how I ranned away from the finish line instead of towards it. But I DOES have a very exciting thing planned for the Roast, and you will has to wait just a little bit longer to find out what it is!

Parking Day! I think that is right....

Hello friends, I is so excited about how today is Parking Day! Finn & Charlie and Gizmo has set up this lovely day to encourage all brave dogs to go outside and pee on explore a park. I no has to go far to find my park, for it is across the street from my house. Though I has done many, many peeings in it, there is ALWAYS something new to pee on. It is a fantastic park!

There was a LOT of this going on.

And some of this....

And then some more of this.

What a lovely flower. Now I proceeds to eat it.

Sniffing sniffing sniffing sniffing

 I's almost out of pee, but I must persevere! 

At this house they has chickens in the backyard! Mama has sawed them before, but for some unfair reason I no is allowed to.....

Hold on, I think I can find some more pee for this tree.

Is that a SQUIRREL?! OMFG SQUIRREL!!!1!!1

Here is some Instagram photos that Mama magicked to look nicer than anything she could possibly do with iphone camera:

I posted this picture on my face books, and it said: "Fear me, Reuben, and my mighty bark! Ruff, ruff!"

Lovely flowers. Yes, I peed on them.

This is people sister and her dog "Rufus." "Rufus" is a brown dachshund who sings  "Do You Love Me (Now That I Can Dance)." I is a little jealous of "Rufus." 

What a beautiful spring day!

When people sister was littler she started calling this gazebo "the pirate ship." We still calls it that. 

Another view of the pirate ship.

Parking Day was fantastic! However...... I got very involved in pooping on and then kicking a large pile of leaves, which resulted in me having a very gross hindquarter region. So.....

AAAAHHHHHHHHH

Oh, the humanities....

I think I sees escape route....

THERE IS NO ESCAPE!!!

Still, Parking Day was a lot of fun. And surely I will do it all over again in a couple of days! Thanks Finn, Charlie and Gizmo for establishing this lovely holiday.