Sunday, April 28, 2013

The story behind me and freakishly long-legged Gretchen

Good mornings friends! I is just finishing up Second Breakfast; it is composed of the coconut tempehs that Mama no likes as much as she used to, apparently. However, I should be eating coconut BACONS right now, on account of the indignities I suffered yesterday.

If you is following me on face books, then probably you knows the source of my grief from yesterday. 

file photo of all that is unholy.

And some peoples was asking, "hey Reuben, you handsome an brave dachshund - why you has such a powerful dislike for Gretchen? She looks sweet enough."

Friends, if Gretchen was trying to steal your chewies, your place on the couch, your foodstuffs, your place in the bed, your humpy bed, your people family, and your entire house, I's thinking you might feel differently about her. 

Mama and Daddy adopted Gretchen from Almost Home Dachshund Rescue, which is the same nice rescue group that helped pay for my mouth surgicals. Mama and Daddy thoughted I needed a friend to play with, on account of how I sleep so much - they thought I might be BORED. Little did they know that I was vigilantly sleeping to protect the house!  Also people sister wanted Gretchen to be my girlfriend, which was a terrible mistake. To make a (freakishly) long story short, you can read all about why Gretchen went to live on the farm with Grandpa man *** here***. But we no gotted along almost all of the time, though occasional photos has been snapped of us sitting near to each other when I had a momentary letting down of my vigilant guard. Some has even gone so far to suggest that Gretchen is BIGGER than me, which is a outrageous lie. Just because she has longer legs than me (freakishly long, might I add), and maybe weighs more than me, and is slightly longer in the torso, it NO MEANS that she is bigger! Because as we all knows, I is basically the biggest dog who ever has existed. 

We still sees each other fairly often. Sometimes I go out to the farm to pee on things visit, and sometimes she comes over here to steal my chewies and try to escape out the kitty door visit. And yesterday, I had one of those unfortunate visitings of her coming to my house. Mostly she just tries to "play" with me, and obsessively licks my face, which I HATES because that is where the very sensitive area of my mouth is located. So I growls fiercely, but she no pays attention, and sometimes tries to sit on me (oh the humanities!) When she first camed to live with us - and I is only telling you this because of my sincere and unwavering trust in you all - Gretchen actually tried to hump me on multiple occasions. And I no could hump her back on account of her freakishly long legs! So I would then find the closest soft object and make a huge deal out of humping it in front of her, and she would does the same thing, and let me tells you - there was a LOT of inanimate-object-humping during those first few weeks. We was both trying to establish our dominence, and since we is neutered and spayed, blankies, pillows and humpy beds took the brunt of our efforts.

As you can see, this is basically the greatest affront to my personal Self, ever. 

Moving on. So yesterday Gretchen came for a babysitting while Daddy and Grandpa man were working on some house-fixing stuffs. Here is a full account of our unfortunate day, in photos:

blatant betrayal by people sister.

Unapologetic theft of my meaty stick.

Still chewing on MY meaty stick. In MY place on top of the couch.
Licking me on my sensitive mouth

Me, sulking and angrily chewing on a blankie and no looking at Gretchen the intruder.

Also, Mama and people sister tooked us on a walk together (in MY park), except Mama forgotted to bring camera in all the craziness of getting out the door. I took an extra long time peeing on everything while Gretchen ranned ahead with people sister using her freakishly long legs.FINALLY Grandpa man camed to pick her up, and all was restored to the natural and correct order of things. Which is me, Reuben, being an Only Dog and doing it amazingly well.

Pee S. The 2013 North Carolina Wiener Roast is coming up very soon, and oh man, did I has a blast last year!  I maybe no will enter the wiener race again this year, on account of how I ranned away from the finish line instead of towards it. But I DOES have a very exciting thing planned for the Roast, and you will has to wait just a little bit longer to find out what it is!


  1. Well.... I guess now I understand you much better. Not easy, right?
    Take care
    Have a great sunday!
    Kisses and hugs

  2. OMD Rueben thank your lucky paw it was only a short stay. Gosh you are right you are the only dog in your household. How can there be room for anyone else with you around? Gretchen better go back to the farm but first make sure she didn't take your chewy. Looking forward to Wiener Roast. Have a serene Sunday with just one dog in the house.
    Best wishes Molly.

  3. Rueben I can TOTALLY feel your Gretchen Pain. I have the same stuffs HERE on MY hill with the Freakishly Long Leggged ERNIE. Butt BUDDY at LEAST you were able to make YOUR peeps understand that you did NOT want HER living in your CASTLE.. I, On the other Paw, am STUCK with the Grabby Humpy Blubber Butted ERNIE...!! Wish I could send him to live with Gretchen... it would serve them BOTH right. Wouldn't it???

    Enjoy your Gretchen Free zone!!!

  4. We are sorry you didn't like Gretchen but are happy she has a good home. We hope you can learn to tolerate her on short visits. Having a friend is good. lee and Phod who are trying to learn to share all their stuff with Emma

  5. Oh well you can't win them all, good luck to Gretchen in her new home.
    Dip Bridge and Elliot x

  6. Good luck Gretchen

    urban hounds

  7. Oh, the indignities, Reuben! Glad all is right in your world once again.

    Susan and Wrigs

  8. No wonder you were happy to see the back of her! What cheek, to come in and just try to take over! She's lucky you just humped a blanket or two. Glad things are back to normal.

    XXXOOO Daisy, Bella & roxy

    Do you help her escape through the kitty door? Just an idea.

  9. Finn unr stands. She was top dog until Charley came along and now it has been all down hill for her. Hope you are having a better day!

  10. I'm glad you got to go back to being an only dog. I am an only dog and that is just the way I like it!


  11. You got to admit the little gal is a cutie despite your true feelings, BOL
    Benny & Lily

  12. Oh Reuben, we always love to read your stories and to see what you are up to. So the evil one came to visit you. Just what are those hoomans thinking! We're glad that you survived the visit butt we know that you're happy it is over.

    You rule the world Reuben!

    Lily Belle & Muffin

  13. I am an only dog and that is how it should be!!! I loved your story.

    Loveys Sasha

  14. Dear Reuben,

    Clearly Gretchen is rude-dog, and it is good she has been banished to the place called Farm. You are very patient in putting up with her, especially the stealing-your-people part. That is so not cool.

    I hope you ran around and peed on the yard to make it yours again.



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