Some big Newses for Humpy Day

This be a Instagram dog named Digby VanWinkle. I loves him. Almost as much as he loves that fluffy thing.

Greetings friends, I has been away for many years, or possibly even days. I has a sorry for this, but as you will see, there was a developing situation which I touched on in my last blog post that required me, a camera, and....


my new piggies.

OMD, it is a bacon-flavored dream come true!!!1!!1!

You heared right, I gots THREE PIGGIES all for my personal self! Remember when Mama wented away and left me home with Daddy for eleventy thousand days? She promised me a piggy and now Daddy has, in fact, delivered threefold on the promise! Ok, maybe the piggies live out at the farm, and maybe they no is "technically" mine, but they was going to become mine after I exhibited my braveries to them.

This never happened.

Why, you is asking? I will answer that question.

It is because my pigges escaped. ALL THREE OF THEMS. Like 5 minutes after Daddy gotted them out of the car. They went into the pigpen and then right out of a little hole in the fence. And they ranned away!

Additionally, Daddy tooked Mama's car to go pick up the piggies, because his car needs tires and no has legalities or something, and he had to drive Far Away. On the way home they farted, pooped and throwed up in Mama's back seat. Oh, and also they was riding in MY crate, so now it has been defiled by bovinus exodus.

All week Daddy has been going out the farm and doing pig huntings. He caughted one of them (the one that People Sister named Diamondneck), and to no one's surprise he escaped AGAIN. There is now approximately eleventy pounds of future bacons wandering around in the woods behind the farm.

They's tolded all the neighbors, and Animal Control, and they gotted pig trap from animal control too. My favorite pig retrieval idea so far is getting another piggy with a GPS collar, turning it loose in the woods, and hoping that it will lead us to the other piggies and no get picked up by a falcon or something. They is very little piggies.

Daddy finded pig tracks in the woods today, so they is still around. Can you believe that Gretchen and Daisy is good pig herders?! THEY IS! They helped with the Diamondneck recapture, so I is thinking that it must be pretty easy to herd pigs. I is all ready to go out to the woods and hunt down some piggies. Right after my nap.

I will keep you informed of these situations as they develop! In other newses, you may be remembering a dignified senior dog named Mr. Snoots that Mama and People sister meeted at the adoption fair. Well, People Sister was falling kind of in love with hims. And Mama was thinking that maybe we would be adopting his personal self. Mr. Snoots is 17 years old. When Mama explained to People Sister that we maybe would has to let him to go Rainbow Bridge soon on account of his extreme seniorness, she began to cry and cry. And also the next day. And the day after that. Sometimes she still cries about losing our kitty Kanga, who wented to Rainbow Bridge 2 years ago. She says she no wants to adopt Mr. Snoots because she no can handle the idea of maybe losing him soon. Mama and people sister is planning to do a visiting of him soon in his foster home, which is likely the place he will stay since his foster mom loves him a big, whole lot and already was thinking of keeping him.

This is Reuben, wishing you a very Happy Humpy Day.

Reuben's 6th of July with some rude lady dogs

Friends, yesterday I had slightly-delayed 4th of July celebration that I has given the highly creative name of "6th of July" to. Me and Mama and Daddy and People Sister wented to Grandpa man's house (which of course is where Gretchen lives), and Great Auntie C camed over with her dog Maisy, and my BFF Daisy camed over from next door. As the only male kind of dog in this arrangement, I thoughted I would get all the attentions. This turned out to NO be true!

Ladies... I is over here... please to no crowd all around me at once.

Um... I said I is over here.... hello?

Oh hi there Maisy, what's that? You is on your way to kitchen? Okays, see you later I guess.

Doesn't ANYDOG want to play with me?

But all of that was forgotted when I gotted THIS:

Holy molies, my very own hot dog, all for my Self!

I see how it is, Daisy. You only wants me for my hot dog, you harpy!

Then Daisy gotted sent home because she rudely ated Gretchen's hamburger. Then Gretchen did that thing she does where she goes and stands near Maisy and annoys her, so Maisy started growling at her. Meanwhile, I was content to finish my hot dog and then walk around peeing on many, many things. But then..... THIS started to happen:

Great Auntie C, it's a twister!

It no was a twister, just our thrice-daily thunderstorm. I got up on the car to bark those thunderboomers away! (Okay, Mama lifted me onto the car).

Grrrrrrr thunderboomers, I will dead you!

Then I gotted busy looking at my handsome self in the car window.

Why the ladies no wants a piece of Reuben? I looks amazing.

And before I knowed it....

AAAHHHH here it comes, run for your lifes!!!1!!11!

Oh well - at least we had an hour without rain to has our picnic. Now friends, I must mention that Daisy - who WAS my BFF - is now BFFs with Gretchen and not me. Probably on account of how Gretchen likes to "play" and "run around" and "jump," and other things that senior wieners like myself is too dignified to does. I played a little bit with Daisy, but mostly she and Gretchen just taked off and ignored me - Reuben. Now I has yet ANOTHER reason to be mad at Gretchen - as if I needed another one!

I gots a new BFF!

Never did I think I would says this, but I has finded another dog that I actually played with. And I liked it!

Here is the story...

I was minding my businesses, walking around Grandpa man's yard and peeing on stuffs like usual. I no noticed the the dog in the distance.

That would make a good novel title: "Dog in the Distance." Does you see him all the way back there?

He approached me, and at first I was like:

Um, what you is doing, strange dog?

And then I was like:

Grr and ruff, strange dog - I will dead you!!!

But then I was all:

Ahhhhhh! Get out of here Gretchen, and quit  humping me too!!!

The pictures is all blurry - because THAT is how fast we was going. It was very fast! Mama thoughted my new BFF was playing a little too rough with me, and she carried me inside. But I barked and barked to go back out! Sometimes BFF and Gretchen would run off together, and I no can run as fast as thems on account of my seniorness and also my correct-sized legs, but BFF always came back to me for more playings. I no knows BFF's actual name, for he is new dog of Grandpa man's next door neighbors and we no has been properly introduced. He did nip my ear a few times, which I no really appreciated, and Mama has a worry for how he might be playing with me as he grows into a not-puppy. As you can sees, BFF has freakishly log legs, and they only will get freakisher. But for now, I no can waits to go to farm again and play with my new BFF!

Can we go  now? Now? How about, oh, I no knows - NOW?

That no was the only fun part of my day at the farm, for also I has taked a ride in the farm truck!

While I was in there, I had a delightful cicada snack. Those cicadas is EVERYWHERE, does you know they only comes out every 17 years? That is why they makes so much noise; they is making up for lost time.

Is a delicacy. 

Also, I has finded this thing:

Um.... I no wants to know. Really. 

It was such a fun day that I went home and fell very fast asleep.

Yes, that is people sister's doll. Sorry, people sister.

Now. I has just one more thing to says. Friends, my book has traveled across the big waters and made it ALL THE WAY to the Netherregions.... I mean, to the Netherlands. I hope Minet de Boer and my fine fuzzy friend Toby likes it. *wrings paws* How I will live with my personal self if they no does?! (I has a secret fear of rejections big hopeful that they will likes it). I hear that Toby does like to read books, and also to chew on shoes.

Mama wants to squish him due to his fuzzy adorableness. 

The Great Sniff of 2013

I smells something. Something extremely interesting. I must find that Thing. Find it, and pee on it.

my journey begins here, in the snows, in front of my house.

I crosses the street (Mama holded my paw) and heads into the park

I's too busy sniffing to read these boring rules, Mama!

Good thing they no says anything like "dogs must be on leash." I assume.

I no will rests until I finds the Thing! And pees on it.

OK, I will rest just a little bit.

Hmm, I must has slept a little longer than I thoughted - all of the snows is gone.

I has convienently skipped over the sniffings from the 20 miles between my house and Grandpa Man's house. And somehow, here I is! Sniffing.

AAAHHHHH, not GRETCHEN!!! I think she has smelled the thing i is sniffing for! I must move quickly now.

Hold on a minute..... this broccoli smells awfully suspicious.... I wonder if......

Yes, this it it! The Interesting Thing. It is Broccoli Plant! 

It's all in a day's work for me, Reuben. Or a couple of days. Whatever.

Reuben's amazing Christmas

Friends, I has had a lovely Christmas full of chewies and treats. And clearly Santa Paws gotted my letter, because look!

Oh, yeeeaaahhhh!

It is a new humpy bed! It is just what I wanted! Because I chewed and humped Red and Blue humpy beds so much that they has stuffings coming out, and I ated the stuffings and throwed them up. In fact, I was so excited about new blue humpy bed that I kind of "accidentally" peed on it.

This is a reenactment of the alleged incident.

 But Mama putted some soaps on it and cleaned it off, and I gotted new blue humpy bed back for more chewings and sleepings.

It has so many comfies!

Also I gotted in my stocking (I had to share my stocking with Hatfield the orange kitty - gross) a new purple chewy and some organic dog biscuits and also a bone chewy. The bone chewy is hard, and no is a kind I has ever chewed before! The package says it is for "powerful chewers." Of course, that is me.

You can almost feel the powers of my incredibly powerful jaws.

 After people sister opened all of her presents, we went with Daddy and Grandma and Other Grandpa and Aunt Dana and Uncle Kemp out to Grandpa man's house, which is on the farm and unfortunately also contains Gretchen. Sometimes the house contains Gretchen; many other times she is running through the woods and fields and giving the neighbors a big frustration. It is very important for me to pee a lot when I goes out there, to let her know that the entire farm is mine.

Exhibit A: farm = mine.

I sniffed around a lot too, smelling all kinds of wonderful and interesting smells, and then covering those smells with my pee.

It is a lot of hard works, but they is very satisfying works.

Then we had Christmas dinners, and peoples was feeding me delicious foodstuffs under the table! I also helped with the cookings by cleaning the floor in the very helpful way that I has. After all of my hard works and voracious eatings, I settled down on the couch with people sister to watch some cartoons.

I is starting to like my cavedog sweater; it is very warm!

 I was so tired that I felled asleep with my tongue flopping majestically to the side.

This is my tongue side.

What a amazing Christmas it was! Also I had a joyful to know that Pippen gotted my box in the mail from Jazzi's gift exchange, from the east coast all of the whole way to the west coast! Even I has heard that she shared the treats and chewy and tennis ball with her brother, which was very nice and frankly something I no would has done on purpose. In fact that reminds me - I is mad at Gretchen right now, for when Grandpa man was feeding us noms off of the pork roast in the kitchen, she kept stealing the ones he gaved to me and nomming them all up with her mouth full of many tooths! But, in the spirit of Christmasses, and of counting my blessings and being thankful for all of the good things I has and the lovely people, dogs and sometimes even catses I has in my life, I is willing to overlook this aggregious offence and sleep long into the afternoon on new blue humpy bed with purple chewy and bone by my side. Or under me. Do not touch them Daddy, they is MINE!!! 

Merry festivitals to all, and to all a good afternoons!

A short waking from Hiber Nations

Friends, I no has been around much lately, as you may or no may has noticed. But this no means I has been in Hiber Nations this whole time. On the contraries, I has been a extremely brave and busy kind of dog! I helped daddy put out a fire, and I chased monster TURKIES in the forest, rode in the car and barked at stuffs with my head out the window, tried to run away on the farm, AND, I gotted a new fuzzy coat that makes me look like a cavedog, except I would much rather chews on it than wears it.

it totally has BONES on it! How it is possible to no chew on this sweater....

Oh. And this unfortunate incident was captured on films as well:

it no is what it looks like..... okay, maybe it is

BUT... does you want to know my favorite thing that has been happening? It is getting about eleventy billion Christmas cards from my dogblogging friends! Every day me and people sister open the new ones - like five a day! - and we displays the lovely cards all around the living room. It is getting REALLY festive in there, I tells you!

I no is forgetting about my secret santa, who no is a secret because I knows who it be, but I is a very careful shopper who takes a very long time to choose the best stuffs for packages. I does the same with my Christmas cardables too..... the longer you has to wait, the specialler it be, I thinks....?

Anyways, my long and greuling 12 hour hiber nation begins now, so I barks at you all again soon, and I no can wait to read of all the lovely things you guys has been doing lately! I know one of those things: it involves eleventy billion envelopes and one dry, floppy tongue. Seriously mama, they makes those little sponge-bottle things, it no is a new invention....