In troubles

All I has to says for myself is that I is innocent. Where my lawyer is? I demands justICE!

Hatfield the orange kitty setted me up!!!

Speaking of ICE, and also of CREAMS, please no forgets that I has free Frosty Paw coupons to give out and also a stuffie to go with thems! All you has to does is e-mail a photo of your lovely self EITHER

A. outside in the snows 

OR

B. inside, snuggling up and enjoying comfies (this is a good option if you no has snows, or if you just hates snows. Like me!)

I will posts the winning photos on my dogblog and then you will gets free ice creams. It is a no-harebrainer, friends.

Frosty says it can be USA dogs only - he says they no makes his ice creams anywhere else. Meanwhile, I has started a petition to bring Frosty Paws to every corner of the earths! I mean, I will starts one. Right after my nap. 

My tongue has a big case of dry.

Reuben's letter to Santa Paws

Dear Santa Paws,

This is a file photo, but my letter looks just like this.

This year I has been a Very Good Dog. I helped protect the house by barking at everything and everyone who camed near it - including and especially the suspicious character dressed in blue and carrying satchels who always is trying to steal my mails.

I only peed in the house a couple of times. For a dachshund, this is amazing.

Yes I ranned away on the farm a few times, and made additional thwarted attempts, but seriously Santa - what you would has done if there was not only monster chickens, but ALSO monster wild turkies to chase through the forests? So you see, these incidents was entirely unavoidable.

I only bited Daddy when it was absolutely necessary: in cases of him being a clear and present danger to my chewies, in which event, I has prior authorization to do a biting of him. I made half-hearted attempts to bite a few other people, so really, those no counts as biting incidents. Oh, I did bite Mama once, by accident - I was trying to bite Daddy. Sorries, Mama and Santa.

I no was brave towards Hatfield the orange kitty every single day. Here is evidence of that one day where I let him sleep next to me.

Exhibit A: me, not chasing Hatfield. And that's Red Humpy Bed I is sleeping on.

I has treated my Humpy Beds - both Blue and Red - with respect and equality. Due to this, both of thems has all of the stuffings coming out, and one time I ated the stuffings, and then I throwed them up, and Mama thoughted it was a hairball, and the vet was very confused by the whole thing, on account of me not being a catses. Therefore, this year for Christmasses I would like a new Humpy Bed. Of course I still loves Blue and Red, but Mama no wants me to eat any more stuffings, unless they is the kind that comes out of the turkies on Christmas eve.

I assume you will also be bringing the usual assortment of chewies and treats.

Thank you Santa for recognizing me as a Very Good Dog this year!


Merry Festivitals,

Reuben

With a face like this, how I could be bad?

I, Reuben, is in a lot of trouble and it no is my faults!

See this picture? This is me on my last ever ride home from the farm:

Wheeeeeeee

Friends, a very grave and not-my-fault thing has happened: I has been permanently banned from the farm. How this happened, you says? Not to worry, I tells you all about it.

Yesterday I went to the farm with Daddy like I sometimes does. After showing Gretchen my brave ferocities and eating some of her food, I decided to has an adventure. So I went over to the neighbors' place to see what kind of troubles I could cause.

Four hours later, still I was gone, and Daddy had to call Mama and say "Mama, I no can find Reuben anywhere. I think he is mad because I unfairly accused him of hiding from me. Of course he is a very big and brave wiener dog, but can you please come out to the farm and call his name many many times?"

Mama raced out there, and for the next many days and probably weeks too, she and Daddy walked all through the woods and farms and neighbors' woods and farms, calling for me and shaking a bag of treats too. They even had Gretchen "helping." Mama said "Gretchen! Find Reuben!" And she tooked off into the woods. Mama followed her, and Gretchen was sniffing out a really good trail, which unfortunately ended at a tree where she proceeded to dig for moles.

My, what a lot of help you is, Gretchen.

Then she tooked off into the woods too, and Mama yelled "how many dachshunds is we going to lose today?!?!" Of course I was off having my big adventure while all of this was happening, so only I has heard of these developments later from the safety of my warm bed. (Gretchen came back, as she always does, so they no was worried too much about her).

Daddy even went to ask the old lady across the street if she had seened me. This is the lady who always is yelling at the grandpa man for letting Gretchen run around with no leash. She gave Daddy a stern talking-to, and Daddy couldn't really say anything, because he had lefted me off leash and I had disappeared. 

So, what was I doing the whole time I was goned?

Here is the true story of what happened:

I was over on the neighbors' land, helpfully chasing and otherwise terrorizing these intruder chickens. They very disrespectfully wanders around all over the place, which is of course unacceptable to me. So I was having a really good time doing many barkings and chasings, and I no knows what happened next, but all of a sudden I was attacked by a extremely organized army of monster chickens, at least 50 of them, maybe even 50,000.

This was the baby one; the rest was even bigger.

Friends, I no knowed what to do. There was wings everywhere, and beaks, and feathers was flying, and I was so mad that I thought I might hurt those chickens really bad with my fearsome tooths. Because I is a noble dog, and not one to pick on some unsmart chickens, I retreated to the woods so as to no harm them too much. I founded a nice comfy spot in those woods, after which I felled asleep. Vigilantly asleep. I was sleeping so vigilantly that I no even heard Mama and Daddy yelling "Reuben!!!!" over and over and over - I was too busy listening for intruding monster chickens.

After a few miles of hikings through the woods, Mama and Daddy was tired, and they went back to the house to ponder some things. They tooked a break, then went back out for more excercise (they both could stand to lose a pound or ten, so really I was doing them a favor). Just then the neighbor lady who is in charge of those disrespectful chickens came by and tolded them the story of my brave chicken activities. So they headed down to where the chickens was, again, and there I was, chasing them again! Daddy spotted me first, then Mama started running to me, and it took me a minute to figure out what was going on, but then I started running to her too, for I was tired and also had a big case of thirsty. She scooped my up in her arms and said "Reuben, this is your last trip to the farm, ever." What I did wrong? I no has an understand.

Daddy was pretty upset with me, and it no helped my case very much that I had pooped in his car earlier that day (not for the first time either). Mama was just glad I was back, though probably she will never let me outside without a leash ever again. I will miss the farm; I will miss chasing the chickens and marking all the many territories I has there. Probably I no will miss Gretchen - although I does enjoy doing an occasional zoomie with her. But Mama and Daddy has putted their foots down. So for now I sleeps vigilantly on the couch with my chewy by my side, dreaming of monster chickens.

Zzzzz.... BARK BARK BARK Zzzzzzz....

Important update on my tooths

This morning I is having a sleepy feeling in my head and body. Mama put some medicines in my food, and it tasted weird, and now I no can see my typewriter so well. 

Yesterday I had some down time before my surgeries, so I redesigned my dogblog. It looks much better now. I is a professional!

I has had two more tooths removed and the remaining nine tooths cleaned. I has had lots of bleeding and also sleeping on Mama's lap. But ever since I ate my yucky-tasting food this morning, I no has any feeling at all!

Everyone at the vet of course loved me. I has some new blog fans, and that gives me an excited feeling! I think. Wait, no, I no can feel anything right now. I will likely be excited later.

This is what my mouth looked like the day before my surgeries:

Here you sees some of my eleven tooths.

Here is some others of my eleven tooths.

These is the only pictures ever taken of my mouth insides. I was in a yawny kind of mood, and the batteries no were dead on Mama's camera. But now they are.

Mama took this shot on her phone camera last night. I no even has a remember for that. It is very grainy, but my tongue looks magnificent:

I still has Snaggletooth!

I no is up to any photographs today, especially not ones showing the beautifulness of what is now my nine tooths. Even though I has this silly floaty feeling and not much of a painful, you still no can see inside my mouth. It's MINE!

So I will leaves you with this. It is some of my hard work from a few days ago. I no has an understand why Mama no appreciates it. I worked and worked and worked on this the whole afternoon while she was gone!

Then I was so handsome, nothing else even mattered:

Now I will be laying down in my dog bed. My typewriter keys is blurry and my soulful brown eyes no will even stay open.

I has been very busy

I has been a very busy wiener dog since returning from our vacation! I had to pee on everything in my neighborhood, again, because it is all mine and other dogs no can has. Also, I has been doing lots of digging and dirt-kicking out at Dad's farm. I no has ever seen a place with softer dirt. I is amazing at digging and kicking it. You know what? At the beach I had many kicks and digs too! There was sand in many various places, although I no has an experience of seeing this "ocean." Some humans decided the shore no was good enough for wiener dogs, so I is not allowed on that particular beach. It is due to the inferior sand, I is sure.

I had many enjoyments taking walks near the beach house, and in the nature woods, with Gretchen and Mama. There was a lot of work to do, since I no had peed on anything there ever before! And I gave a terrible fright, I is sure, to the dog next door. Mama called him Dino Dog:

No need to has a worry, I no hurted him even once.

Here's me kicking the fantastic forest dirt:

Notice how I has kicked up a lot of dirt with my back legs. Also, I has very good form due to my perfectly crouched hindquarters.

Sometimes Leah had to walk not only me, but also me and Gretchen. I think she no has a particular like for that.

I no can imagine why.

I rolled in the grass.

I has a warm belly.

I slept in the sun.

Gretchen was there too.

Mama saw many wildlifes at the beach. All I can say is that those wildlifes are lucky they did not see me, because I is so big and scary. These are the wildlifes I no saw:

Dad says the squirrel has an endangered, and there is only 150 left on the whole world! I say that my tail is more magnificent than this squirrel's tail, or any squirrel's tail. Mama says the wild ponies no came near the humans, which is probably good. If a wild pony saw me, it would run very far away in fear. So would the vulture. And the seagulls (Leah calls them eagles). And the egret. And the sea birds, running back and forth all day long and hardly ever peeing on anything! I think they no has an intelligence.

Oh, and on our last day I went with Gretchen and Daddy to a seafood restaurant on the harbor. There I also had a lot of work to do, because I had to make sure every person who walked by got to hear my impressive barks. It was lunchtime on a very beautiful day, so I was very busy. Daddy no seems to appreciate all my hard work to keep the family safe from dangers. I barked at every single thing that moved, but he kept putting his head in his hands and saying "Sorry folks, I know he is a big mean and scary dachshund," and of course that is true. When Mama and Leah came back from the bookstore, Daddy handed me right over and said "they're all yours now." Mama is so lucky to have me!


I kept hearing people say "hush puppies," but I no paid an attention. Also I think they were conversating about some delicious fried cornmeal that Leah was nomming all up. Also my strong leadership inspired Gretchen to do lots of barks too. Sometimes we can make a good wiener dog team. But mostly I has to bark at her all the time. She no can seem to remember that it's my chewy it's my chewy it's MINE!!! 

So this past week I has of course been very busy peeing throughout the neighborhood and uploading my beach photos. But next time I think I will demand to see the ocean. From what I understands, it has lots of sands nearby that need to be digged up. It is true that a wiener dog's work no is ever done.