I, Reuben, is in a lot of trouble and it no is my faults!

See this picture? This is me on my last ever ride home from the farm:

Wheeeeeeee

Friends, a very grave and not-my-fault thing has happened: I has been permanently banned from the farm. How this happened, you says? Not to worry, I tells you all about it.

Yesterday I went to the farm with Daddy like I sometimes does. After showing Gretchen my brave ferocities and eating some of her food, I decided to has an adventure. So I went over to the neighbors' place to see what kind of troubles I could cause.

Four hours later, still I was gone, and Daddy had to call Mama and say "Mama, I no can find Reuben anywhere. I think he is mad because I unfairly accused him of hiding from me. Of course he is a very big and brave wiener dog, but can you please come out to the farm and call his name many many times?"

Mama raced out there, and for the next many days and probably weeks too, she and Daddy walked all through the woods and farms and neighbors' woods and farms, calling for me and shaking a bag of treats too. They even had Gretchen "helping." Mama said "Gretchen! Find Reuben!" And she tooked off into the woods. Mama followed her, and Gretchen was sniffing out a really good trail, which unfortunately ended at a tree where she proceeded to dig for moles.

My, what a lot of help you is, Gretchen.

Then she tooked off into the woods too, and Mama yelled "how many dachshunds is we going to lose today?!?!" Of course I was off having my big adventure while all of this was happening, so only I has heard of these developments later from the safety of my warm bed. (Gretchen came back, as she always does, so they no was worried too much about her).

Daddy even went to ask the old lady across the street if she had seened me. This is the lady who always is yelling at the grandpa man for letting Gretchen run around with no leash. She gave Daddy a stern talking-to, and Daddy couldn't really say anything, because he had lefted me off leash and I had disappeared. 

So, what was I doing the whole time I was goned?

Here is the true story of what happened:

I was over on the neighbors' land, helpfully chasing and otherwise terrorizing these intruder chickens. They very disrespectfully wanders around all over the place, which is of course unacceptable to me. So I was having a really good time doing many barkings and chasings, and I no knows what happened next, but all of a sudden I was attacked by a extremely organized army of monster chickens, at least 50 of them, maybe even 50,000.

This was the baby one; the rest was even bigger.

Friends, I no knowed what to do. There was wings everywhere, and beaks, and feathers was flying, and I was so mad that I thought I might hurt those chickens really bad with my fearsome tooths. Because I is a noble dog, and not one to pick on some unsmart chickens, I retreated to the woods so as to no harm them too much. I founded a nice comfy spot in those woods, after which I felled asleep. Vigilantly asleep. I was sleeping so vigilantly that I no even heard Mama and Daddy yelling "Reuben!!!!" over and over and over - I was too busy listening for intruding monster chickens.

After a few miles of hikings through the woods, Mama and Daddy was tired, and they went back to the house to ponder some things. They tooked a break, then went back out for more excercise (they both could stand to lose a pound or ten, so really I was doing them a favor). Just then the neighbor lady who is in charge of those disrespectful chickens came by and tolded them the story of my brave chicken activities. So they headed down to where the chickens was, again, and there I was, chasing them again! Daddy spotted me first, then Mama started running to me, and it took me a minute to figure out what was going on, but then I started running to her too, for I was tired and also had a big case of thirsty. She scooped my up in her arms and said "Reuben, this is your last trip to the farm, ever." What I did wrong? I no has an understand.

Daddy was pretty upset with me, and it no helped my case very much that I had pooped in his car earlier that day (not for the first time either). Mama was just glad I was back, though probably she will never let me outside without a leash ever again. I will miss the farm; I will miss chasing the chickens and marking all the many territories I has there. Probably I no will miss Gretchen - although I does enjoy doing an occasional zoomie with her. But Mama and Daddy has putted their foots down. So for now I sleeps vigilantly on the couch with my chewy by my side, dreaming of monster chickens.

Zzzzz.... BARK BARK BARK Zzzzzzz....