Reuben's 6th of July with some rude lady dogs

Friends, yesterday I had slightly-delayed 4th of July celebration that I has given the highly creative name of "6th of July" to. Me and Mama and Daddy and People Sister wented to Grandpa man's house (which of course is where Gretchen lives), and Great Auntie C camed over with her dog Maisy, and my BFF Daisy camed over from next door. As the only male kind of dog in this arrangement, I thoughted I would get all the attentions. This turned out to NO be true!

Ladies... I is over here... please to no crowd all around me at once.

Um... I said I is over here.... hello?

Oh hi there Maisy, what's that? You is on your way to kitchen? Okays, see you later I guess.

Doesn't ANYDOG want to play with me?

But all of that was forgotted when I gotted THIS:

Holy molies, my very own hot dog, all for my Self!

I see how it is, Daisy. You only wants me for my hot dog, you harpy!

Then Daisy gotted sent home because she rudely ated Gretchen's hamburger. Then Gretchen did that thing she does where she goes and stands near Maisy and annoys her, so Maisy started growling at her. Meanwhile, I was content to finish my hot dog and then walk around peeing on many, many things. But then..... THIS started to happen:

Great Auntie C, it's a twister!

It no was a twister, just our thrice-daily thunderstorm. I got up on the car to bark those thunderboomers away! (Okay, Mama lifted me onto the car).

Grrrrrrr thunderboomers, I will dead you!

Then I gotted busy looking at my handsome self in the car window.

Why the ladies no wants a piece of Reuben? I looks amazing.

And before I knowed it....

AAAHHHH here it comes, run for your lifes!!!1!!11!

Oh well - at least we had an hour without rain to has our picnic. Now friends, I must mention that Daisy - who WAS my BFF - is now BFFs with Gretchen and not me. Probably on account of how Gretchen likes to "play" and "run around" and "jump," and other things that senior wieners like myself is too dignified to does. I played a little bit with Daisy, but mostly she and Gretchen just taked off and ignored me - Reuben. Now I has yet ANOTHER reason to be mad at Gretchen - as if I needed another one!

Look out Amazon and Kindle, for here comes Reuben!

Well friends, I has been goned from my dogbloggings for a little while - my chewing, napping and peeing schedules is just OUT OF CONTROL. It seems no matter how much I sleep, how many chews I do, and however much waters I drink (for the peeings), never is I done meeting my many important responsibiities. Oh, and also barking at strangers/people I know/Daddy/anything that moves in a suspicious way.

I has many important responsibilities. 

Right now I is suffering because Mama has taked people sister and NOT me, and gone Away for 6 whole days!!! I is so sad that only bacons can take away this pain. As I said on my Face Books page, it will has to be an entire pig to compensate me for the loss of 6 days with Mama. I will be expecting said pig upon your arrival, MAMA.

AND I has to hang out with this guy. Unfortunately. 

But now for some good newses....

A Guide to Braveries for Small Dogs is now available on Amazon and Kindle!!!

[insert happy wiggle butt dance here]

I also noticed that some peoples was even kind enough to leave me lovely reviews, and I thanks you very much for doing such a thing! If anyone else is so inclined to talk about how amazing I is, I promise to think of you every time I is peeing on something magnificent. Trust me, it is a very big honor! Also, in case you no is knowing, I is giving some of my green papers from selling this book to Almost Home Dachshund Rescue Society so they can continue to help rescue dogs - including seniors like me! - get healthy and find their forever homes.

My, what a handsome senior sort of dog. 

Parking Day! I think that is right....

Hello friends, I is so excited about how today is Parking Day! Finn & Charlie and Gizmo has set up this lovely day to encourage all brave dogs to go outside and pee on explore a park. I no has to go far to find my park, for it is across the street from my house. Though I has done many, many peeings in it, there is ALWAYS something new to pee on. It is a fantastic park!

There was a LOT of this going on.

And some of this....

And then some more of this.

What a lovely flower. Now I proceeds to eat it.

Sniffing sniffing sniffing sniffing

 I's almost out of pee, but I must persevere! 

At this house they has chickens in the backyard! Mama has sawed them before, but for some unfair reason I no is allowed to.....

Hold on, I think I can find some more pee for this tree.

Is that a SQUIRREL?! OMFG SQUIRREL!!!1!!1

Here is some Instagram photos that Mama magicked to look nicer than anything she could possibly do with iphone camera:

I posted this picture on my face books, and it said: "Fear me, Reuben, and my mighty bark! Ruff, ruff!"

Lovely flowers. Yes, I peed on them.

This is people sister and her dog "Rufus." "Rufus" is a brown dachshund who sings  "Do You Love Me (Now That I Can Dance)." I is a little jealous of "Rufus." 

What a beautiful spring day!

When people sister was littler she started calling this gazebo "the pirate ship." We still calls it that. 

Another view of the pirate ship.

Parking Day was fantastic! However...... I got very involved in pooping on and then kicking a large pile of leaves, which resulted in me having a very gross hindquarter region. So.....

AAAAHHHHHHHHH

Oh, the humanities....

I think I sees escape route....

THERE IS NO ESCAPE!!!

Still, Parking Day was a lot of fun. And surely I will do it all over again in a couple of days! Thanks Finn, Charlie and Gizmo for establishing this lovely holiday.

cheese papers and green papers - what an exciting morning!

Friends, this morning I went on a grand adventure! There was so many magical, mythical places on our trip; hardly I knows where to begin. Oh wait, yes I does. I was so excited for the journey that I immediately throwed up on the passenger seat. I was right next to Mama's old sweatshirt, but I decided for personal reasons that really it would be best to puke on the upholstery. Geez Mama, I was trying to save your old sweatshirt!

You're welcome.

After a nice ride with my nose stuck out the window, quivering with excitement, and my ears flapping in the wind, we went to a place called "coffee shop." Mama lefted me in the car while she went in, unfortunately, but I had a great time barking at all of the uncaffinated passerbys and when she came out, she had a cup of Mama Juice and a sandwich too! She put sandwich into her purse and then we started driving again.

wheeeeeeeeeee

At a stoplight a nice man was selling newspapers, so of course I growled and barked at him with brave ferocities through my open window. He came up to the car (maybe he is deaf...? I was barking very loudly and fiercely) and says "how old he is? About 5?" Mama laughed and then made up a number for my age, since we no knows how old I is at all, only that I is dignified senior gentleman. His jaw dropped and we sped away down the road!

I no looks a day over 5, it is because I takes good care of my personal Self! With lots of sleeping.

The next stop on our journey was called "bank." Again I had to stay in car while Mama went inside and did something boring with green papers. When she came out, that is when she opened the sandwich! She helped me eat it.

She says that I helped her eat it. This no is true.

Finally we drove to a place called "house that mama and daddy used to live in but now they rent it out and the tenant got evicted moved out and now they wants to put it on the market but first has to pay some repairmans some monies to fix all of the broken things." I guess that is what she needed the green papers for. Again she very rudely left me in the car, but this time she also lefted her coffee cup and the cheese paper from the sandwich! When she camed back I had nommed on the cheese paper and done a very thorough licking of the top of her coffee cup. "Oh Reuben..." she sighed, probably because I is adorable.

Carefully I eyes my prey as I waits for the right moment to strike.

and that moment is...... NOW!!!!!!!

Then it was time to go home. I peed on my favorite plant as soon as I got out of the car. Well, maybe it no is my favorite, but it is definitely in the top 3. I sniffed and peed for a while, and Mama was having impatients, so she said "Reuben.... wanna eat?" and that usually works to get me inside. Except Mama was standing outside for so long waiting for me to finish sniffing and peeing that she forgot about how I licked all over her coffee cup and she started drinking it again. I came inside and had a little breakfastings, and now I has retired to the couch for my mid-morning nap. What an exciting day! Can we does it again tomorrow, Mama?

Oh how I loves to sniff things!

Sniff them, and then pee on them.

Reuben's letter to Santa Paws

Dear Santa Paws,

This is a file photo, but my letter looks just like this.

This year I has been a Very Good Dog. I helped protect the house by barking at everything and everyone who camed near it - including and especially the suspicious character dressed in blue and carrying satchels who always is trying to steal my mails.

I only peed in the house a couple of times. For a dachshund, this is amazing.

Yes I ranned away on the farm a few times, and made additional thwarted attempts, but seriously Santa - what you would has done if there was not only monster chickens, but ALSO monster wild turkies to chase through the forests? So you see, these incidents was entirely unavoidable.

I only bited Daddy when it was absolutely necessary: in cases of him being a clear and present danger to my chewies, in which event, I has prior authorization to do a biting of him. I made half-hearted attempts to bite a few other people, so really, those no counts as biting incidents. Oh, I did bite Mama once, by accident - I was trying to bite Daddy. Sorries, Mama and Santa.

I no was brave towards Hatfield the orange kitty every single day. Here is evidence of that one day where I let him sleep next to me.

Exhibit A: me, not chasing Hatfield. And that's Red Humpy Bed I is sleeping on.

I has treated my Humpy Beds - both Blue and Red - with respect and equality. Due to this, both of thems has all of the stuffings coming out, and one time I ated the stuffings, and then I throwed them up, and Mama thoughted it was a hairball, and the vet was very confused by the whole thing, on account of me not being a catses. Therefore, this year for Christmasses I would like a new Humpy Bed. Of course I still loves Blue and Red, but Mama no wants me to eat any more stuffings, unless they is the kind that comes out of the turkies on Christmas eve.

I assume you will also be bringing the usual assortment of chewies and treats.

Thank you Santa for recognizing me as a Very Good Dog this year!


Merry Festivitals,

Reuben

With a face like this, how I could be bad?

I gets a visiting from White Fuzzy next door

Friends, a great travesty has occurred this evening. Apparently the thunder boomers in the distance has given the White Fuzzy next door a frightened, for he has hopped over the wall and come into my yard, probably for disrespectings.

Is you doing poopings in my yard? IS YOU?!?

Next door they gots about eleventy hundred dogs. Mama says it is five, but she is wrong, for they does enough barkings for eleventy thousand.  But they is good backup for my intruder patrol, and they holds down the fort at night when I is doing sleepings in the big bed. Vigilant sleepings. This is the first time, that I knows of, that White Fuzzy has jumped over the wall. He is still a puppy, so I guess he finally gotted his big boy legs.

It is nice to finally meets you in person, White Fuzzy.

It turned out that White Fuzzy is a very polite kind of dog, who let me sniff him, and no even did one barking while he was on my properties.

Please hold still; I no can gets a good sniff when you is moving.

 He read some of my pee-mail, which I appreciates, and no even left any pee-mails of his own in my yard. Maybe he is a girl kind of dog....

Let me double checks that undercarriage smell again.

He and/or she tried to play with me, and I no even hated it!

You has freakishly long legs, but I has a tongue!

I think I no will minds it if he/she comes over for occasional visitings.

We does make a pretty fearsome team, I must admits.

  Then it was time for White Fuzzy to go home.

Goodbye White Fuzzy, thank you for visitings!

Hehehe, White Fuzzy no left on his/her own - Mama gaved Daddy some treats and he waved them right in front of my nose and hers! Or his. Whatever.

Daddy, if you has treats I follows you anywhere!

Then, because there is some big kind of steppings that my correct-sized legs no can climb down, White Fuzzy followed Daddy back to his and/or her house, and I was lefted all alone.

Excuse me, I believe there was a promise of treats..... WHERE IS THEY?!

But then Mama said "Reuben, wannatreat? wannatreat?" And I responded by doing the fastest run I knows how to does. It is very fast!

*treats treats treats treats treats treats*

White Fuzzy went home and I gotted a sausage, so I gots to say, my life is pretty good.

Please no forgets that you can vote every 24 hours for me, Reuben, in the 2012 Petties awards. I has a great proud for my nomination for Funniest Blog or Blogger of the year!