Reuben's letter to Santa Paws

Dear Santa Paws,

This is a file photo, but my letter looks just like this.

This year I has been a Very Good Dog. I helped protect the house by barking at everything and everyone who camed near it - including and especially the suspicious character dressed in blue and carrying satchels who always is trying to steal my mails.

I only peed in the house a couple of times. For a dachshund, this is amazing.

Yes I ranned away on the farm a few times, and made additional thwarted attempts, but seriously Santa - what you would has done if there was not only monster chickens, but ALSO monster wild turkies to chase through the forests? So you see, these incidents was entirely unavoidable.

I only bited Daddy when it was absolutely necessary: in cases of him being a clear and present danger to my chewies, in which event, I has prior authorization to do a biting of him. I made half-hearted attempts to bite a few other people, so really, those no counts as biting incidents. Oh, I did bite Mama once, by accident - I was trying to bite Daddy. Sorries, Mama and Santa.

I no was brave towards Hatfield the orange kitty every single day. Here is evidence of that one day where I let him sleep next to me.

Exhibit A: me, not chasing Hatfield. And that's Red Humpy Bed I is sleeping on.

I has treated my Humpy Beds - both Blue and Red - with respect and equality. Due to this, both of thems has all of the stuffings coming out, and one time I ated the stuffings, and then I throwed them up, and Mama thoughted it was a hairball, and the vet was very confused by the whole thing, on account of me not being a catses. Therefore, this year for Christmasses I would like a new Humpy Bed. Of course I still loves Blue and Red, but Mama no wants me to eat any more stuffings, unless they is the kind that comes out of the turkies on Christmas eve.

I assume you will also be bringing the usual assortment of chewies and treats.

Thank you Santa for recognizing me as a Very Good Dog this year!


Merry Festivitals,

Reuben

With a face like this, how I could be bad?

I gots a new activity. PS: There is basement monsters involved.

"Basement monsters?" you may be saying to yourself. Yes my friends, it is all true. There no is a need to worry though, because I is doing a great job keeping my family safe from their terror!

See how I is watching Gretchen and Hatfield? I is like a hawk.

A few days ago Mama noticed Gretchen being very very curious about one particular spot in the floor of the living room. Right where there is a vent and a little hole for wires.  Because I no is the kind of dog to let Gretchen has all the fun, I waddled over to get a good sniff of the situation. My conclusion? There is furry little monsters living in the basement ceiling. Which happens to be under the living room floor.

Now I will be honest, because I always is: things can be getting a little bit boring around here, now that the outside has developed chilliness. I spend lots of time sleeping vigilantly and chewing on my chewies. MINE. Also growling at Gretchen and snapping with every one of my nine tooths. She is always wanting to play or something, but she no has an understand that I is a very dignified wiener dog who no has time for puppy play. I take my job of house protector very seriously. 

I hides in the shadows, then I goes in for the kill.

Which is why I is taking this issue of basement monsters very seriously. I no is exactly sure what they is, but they is very quiet. Mostly I know they are there by their scent, which believe me, no is particularly pleasant. I spends many minutes tracking them back and forth across the floor. Also sniffing and barking at the vent where they has set up camp in MY HOUSE.

I think they has nocturnals, so right now I is just sitting on Mama's lap and typing. But I is warning you right now, basement monsters, if you is having internets to read this: I no will rest until you has evacuated MY vent, except for during the day when you is asleep, and for during the night when I is asleep upstairs. Consider yourselves lucky that I is a lowrider wiener dog who no can jump off the bed or walk down the stairs. But I is watching you. Almost all the time.

Very Important Business

I will let you in on a secret, but you must promise to no tell anyone, especially any cats, and even more especially any orange cats. I is a spy and I is always looking for new top secrets. I is like the dog spies in the Cats & Dogs movie, except I has better acting than all those humans combined. 

Kanga thinks I does not know she is following me. But I does know. She no is a good spy.

Secret Agent Reuben was sent to live in this neighborhood to sniff out some new developments. I no has an idea what those developments are, but I take my mission very serious. The orange kitties are also spies, I think, for an evil overlord cat. I has so much drama and intrigue, but you would never know it based on how I appear to be sleeping all the time with my tongue flopping out. Do not be fooled by my clever sleepy disguise! 

I no can give out more information at this time - I no can compromise my very important mission. I had some good progress on my walk today. Ingrid came too, and the longer she is here the longer I think she no is a spy. However, she maybe wants to steal my Chewy, the turtle squeaky one. So I keeps an eye and a tongue on it at all times. What I can tell you is that the tree on the corner is definitely home to some spying activity and I had an extra good pee on it today. I'll check back tomorrow to make sure the tree is still mine.