Mama comes home and I surprises her.... unfortunately.

I almost no even can believe it - Mama camed BACK!

Stinky Monkey and me is almost too excited even to blog about it. 

Friends, I was beginning to has a worry that she would NEVER come back, after she and people sister left me alone for a WHOLE WEEK with DADDY and HATFIELD.

The horribly traumatic experience of No Mama ended like this tonight:

Mama: "Reuben, we're home!"

Reuben: "Wha.... so.... sleepy.... no can open eyes.... wait OMD it is MAMA!"

Then she scooped me up and taked me to the couch and she and people sister gaved me lots of rubs and lovins.

Oh, yeeaaaahhhhhh!!!!

Mama: "Reuben, you smell even stinkier than usual."

People sister: "Oh, I know what that smell is. It's cow manure."

Mama: .....

And then the next thing I knowed, I was in BATH getting rubbed with Hawaiian shampoos and conditioners!  All of my formidible stink went away. And does you know what else went away! Some FLEAS. Yes, when Mama gotted home I was scented with manure (from the farm) and sprinkled with fleas (probably also from farm). AND.... my bowl was full of the kind of foodstuffs that I HATES. I bet you thoughted that I no hated any foodstuffs! That should tell you how terrible this particular kind of kibble foodstuff is.

Mama says that Daddy has to sleep in doghouse tonight. What's that, Mama? He no actually has to sleep there? Is a "metafoor?" I no knows what that means. All I knows is that Daddy better close the barn door before the piggy escapes. And speaking of piggies.... Mama owes me a whole piggy on account of her leaving me for eleventy thousand years. She says she is working on it. We shall see, shan't we Mama?

At least I has one thingy to console me, and it is the lovely review of my book that Frankie and Ernie posted on their dogblog. Guys, it is like I always says: if I can make just one creature laugh in a day, then my day has been a success. Of course, there is many wisdoms in said book too, wisdoms that I is so happy to has shared with my buddies F & E. Tonight I will dream about frolicking with thems, and deading moles or something, just so I can forget the horrors of my BATH and TERRIBLE FOODSTUFFS and FLEAS and COW POOP.

important Statements about my personal self

I feel the time has come to make some very important Statements about my personal self. There are certain things that maybe my blogging friends no is knowing about me, and as the intrepid journalist that I is, it is time to turn the camera inward for a change. Not literally - Mama's camera is out of batteries and if I ever has a camera in my innards, well - probably we is going back to Vet.

This is a file photo of me sniffing Gretchen's butt

So here they is, in no particular order:

• I is soft, like a bunny. Seriously, my fur is the softest dog fur ever. It is hard to tell this on the internets
• I makes a grunty noise when I is happy and a gremlin noise when I is mad
• I has a amazing tattoo - really it is more of a battle scar, for the vet gaved it to me after she stoled my nuggets. It's a cool arrow-looking thing, I will gets my mama to photograph it whenever she gets around to the battery issue
• When Mama is giving me belly rubs and then she forgets to keep doing it, I thrust my prominent manly chest in the air and wiggle around until she remembers that she no is done giving me belly rubs yet
• I has a triangulated patch on my tail with all of the furs missing. Why? I no has any idea
• We share a driveway with our "neighbor." We all knows that this word means "extremely brazen intruder," and I intends to continue terrorizing him until he moves out and gives me back my driveway
• I shakes in the bathtub, but only from COLD. It no is from fear, even though Mama makes the bath waters very warm, still I shivers. From COLDNESS, not fear
• Before I gotted my nuggets stolen at the vet, one of my favorite things to does was hump this other dog across the street. He was a boxer/pit bull mix, so usually I no gotted much higher than his ankles, due to my correct-sized legs
• I gets reverse sneezings all the time. They is most frequent in the middle of the night when Mama has a very important thing to does very early in the morning. She has to wake up and put her hand over my snout so I will stop sneezings, then she no can get back to sleep, so she has to give me belly rubs! It is a great plan of mine
• At home I no will get my foots and belly wet; I will instead do my peeings on the porch. At the farm I will romp happily through the wets all day, peeing on everything to help make it wetter
• We has a pet door that I could (probably)  fit through if I wanted. Instead I prefers to stand at the door and whine and wag my tail until my valet opens it for me

I hope these many interesting facts has given you a great insight into me, Reuben.

Also, I must make it known that my dogblog and Face Books friends is some of the most amazing peoples, dogs and yes, even catses, that ever I has been lucky enough to "meet." Never has I seen a one with my own eyes, in the actual world and not on the internets, and still my friends cared enough about me to help my Mama and Daddy through this hard time with their contributions. I started my ChipIn at about 2pm. I setted it to run through September 7, hoping to maybe reach part of my $469 goal in that time. Four hours later there was enough donations to cover me and Hatfield's vet bills from the past two months, and even a little bit extra too that I will give to my friends Juno and Scout over at Juno's Place, to help with Scout's very expensive surgeries. I made me get a kind of wet feeling in my eyes. I NO WAS crying, probably it was just.... summer allergies. Or cat hairs. I no is exactly sure. I loves you all and I looks forward to many more sharings with all of you.

Love,

Reuben

I is soft like a bunny

There is something else you should know about me. I never has mentioned it before, since I has so many amazing characteristics, but - I has the softest fur you has ever seen. Many dogs has that coarse, wiry dog hair, but I has hair like a bunny rabbit which has just been shampooed. Also, I no has a need to be doing lots of hair care to make me so beautiful. My fantastic fur no needs to be washed hardly ever; Mama says that is a good thing. If you no knows me better, you would think I has a frightened in the bathtub, due to me shivering a lot. But just like in the vet's office, it is only because I has a chill, and not at all due to frightfulness. I prefer to no be wet. I will not even go outside when the grass is wet - that is how much I hates to be wet. Again, I must stress that this no has anything to do with being afraid. I is a complex dog of discriminating tastes, and I simply knows what I likes. If you would like to rub my soft fur, I will allow you to give me one belly rub. But remember, I is a very busy dog. There no is time for every peoples who want to touch my splendid fur.

I is soft enough to be a pillow. See?