Another of Reuben's amazing Q&As with spammers

Good evenings, Stinky Monkey and I welcomes you to master peace theaters. 

Greetings friends, it is time for an installment that is very dear and near to my heart. Since many of my blog readers is spammers, I feels a obligation to take a sampling of their commentaries on my postings and respond in full. So without further adoo, here is a transcript of my latest discussion with my favorite spammers!

I is so excited; I is on needles and pins for your commentaries!

Q: You should be a part of a contest for one of the finest sites on the internet. I am going to highly recommend this web site! Here is my web blog :: terrific pictures of a golden retriever. - Hksbddgynfauea Simon  

A: Well thank yous very much, I is one of the finest sites on the internet. Now, terrific pictures of a golden retriever.... ok spammer, it is my turn to ask you a questioning. Can you tell me why that approximately 87% of the spams on my dogblog is about golden retrievers? Seriously, there is a LOT of thems, which I has left our forthwith due to redundancies. Has you even taked the time to notice that I is a brave and noble dachshund? Next questioning.

Q: For many stud owners, that is when it is scheduled to appear in court next month. I managed to get the lower class masses to serve the [inappropriate words removed]. He always says they are pieces of satire. - Windowsqeeeefeeeef John

A: Clearly you is suffering from severe mental illness. Not to worry friend, I has about 87 mental institutions on speed dial. We will get you all fixed up real soon. Hang in there buddy, I feels for you!

Q: It daydreams, wanders and drifts among loosely and tenuously connected thoughts... -Garth McSpam

A: Garth. That was a haiku. Next questioning please.

Q: And slowly one day you would also be into ashes as you smoked more than the limit. - Matt Spameron

A: Sorry spammer, you has walked right into this one: I's pretty sure that you is the one who has smoked more than the limit. Next please.... yes, down in front?

Q: Thank you for the auspicious writeup. It if truth be told used to be a leisure account it. Glance advanced to far 

added agreeable from you! However, how could we keep up a correspondence? my blog post ... seo services india  - Iagentnetwork Blount

A: Obviously you has been reading my dogblog, as auspishous is one of my most favoritest words! My favorite part is how it rhymes with suspishous. However, I believe you has spelled it wrong. Please buy a dictionary. Who's next?

Q: Ι just cοuld not depart уоur site before suggesting that Ι rеally enjоyeԁ thе usual info an individual proνіde on your 

guestѕ? Is gonna bе back incesѕаntly to cheсk out new posts My blog utility bucket truck. - Royaldicelottery Jenkins 

A: O.....M.....D..... How you knowed that exactly what I needed was a utility bucket truck?! It is like you has readed my mind! I has a plan to do this robot battle thing against Daddy on his tractor, and clearly I has just found the ticket to winning that match! 

Q: Unlike the free market the black market cannot be regulated to control inflation and validity of transactions. She 

was an experienced smoker, quite younger than me. - Oceangreenoffers Waddell

A: I think I has made a serious mistake somewheres in the course of my bloggings. A lot of peoples, like your fine self, seems to be mistaking me for a people. Does you know what percentage of dogs is smokers? I's pretty sure it is less than 8.7%. Your marketing tactics is wasted on me, smoking spammer! 

No tries to lure me in with your bacons, spammers. Is clever ploy though.

Well spammers, this has been an enlightening and thought-provoking conversating, but unfortunately our time is up. Please continue to leave your insightful commentaries - and I knows you will, for nothing has stopped you yet, not even my "comment moderation on posts older than 10 days!" Seriously though, my filters is catching all of your commentaries and sending them directly to a special folder with your name on it, so you can rest assured that they will all be available for perusal at my leisure and for comedic purposes! It has been a pleasure. 

I no understands what this means. But seriously, you knows it's true.

Pee S: A big thank you to Spam Name Generator, who helped me make totally false names for find the correct identities of my lovely spammers.

Merry Festivitals!

Firstly, I must tells you of this lovely award I has received from my buddy Garth Riley:

BOL.... that stands for Biggest Outstanding Legs, right?

Garth has deemed me to be hilarious enough to be awarded the coveted BOL. I no has an understand why, for I is a dog of many philosophicals and also a journalingist too. And yet I humbly accepts this award! Not that I is one to brag about how humble I is..... ok, yes I am.

Anyway, all I gots to does is pass the award onto another very funny dogblogger. I no could choose, so I passes it to TWO dogblogs: Frankie and Ernie, and also to Puddles.

I think we all remembers this unfortunate but ultimately hilarious event from when we was all going Back to School:

I knows you is innocent Puddles.... ok, maybe you no is.

Yes, Puddles crashed the pizza truck when she went on a pizza-truck-stealing joyride. I think beers was also involved. Shame on you Puddles! You stoled the pizza truck and you never even called ME to be in charge of security!

Frankie and Ernie has been entertaining me this month with the tails of their mama's pure insanity healthy interest in snowmens.

the one in the red hat looks dangerous.

Above you will see that Frankie and Ernie is forcefully subduing said snowmans by sitting on them and possibly also by doing flatulances on them. Good job guys!

Now turning to other matters - the Christmas cardables has been flooding into my mailbox. This year I learned that the creepy man in blue NO IS trying to steal my mails; he actually is BRINGING THEM!!! Never would I have guessed such a thing. Of course, I still barks at him. Having all these wonderful Christmas cardables has made our house really festive! As you will see here:

I was being *slightly* uncooperative in that last one. So thank you to all of the lovely dogbloggers who has sended me cardables! I sended my cardables as well, but I ranned out of thems and sadly I no mailed one to every single dog on the list. So if I no sended you one, I has many sorries. Next year we will has to order more.

Lastly, an unfortunate thing has occured today in the form of Gretchen visiting my house. MINE.

oh, the horrors. 

The first thing she did was pee on my rug. Then she tried to escape through the kitty door. These things happened within the first minute of her visiting. It is just like when she used to live here. Happily, now she gets to leave when Grandpa man leaves. YAY!!!! And so then, Mama tooked a bunch of pictures of Gretchen and people sister looking cute together, for some reason.

Finally, here is one of me looking extremely handsome!

I doesn't always flop my tongue out. But when I does, it is majestic.

Now, Mama's family is coming into town tomorrow to stay with us for a few days, and I maybe no will has time for another dogblogging before Christmasses.

So I wants to wish you all some very Merry Festivitals, from me,
Reuben.

(and unfortunately Hatfield)

Improvs Number Two from the Pork Palace

Gratuitous picture of my beauties.

Here is another of the improvs I has tolded when I performed at the Pork Palace the other night. I asked the audience for:

1. a famous cat
2. the name of a restaurant
3. something you finds in a tree

and they gaved these suggestions:

1. Mr. Misstofelles (I no has an idea who this cat is, that is the fun part about improvs!)
2. Olive Garden
3. bird's nest

And here is the lovely story I wroted:

Once upon a time, Mr. Misstofelles was sniffing around for a nice bush to do sprayings on, when suddenly he had a big idea. "Why does I pee on these bushes; they no is very important and I is a very important kind of cat? I should pee on something that lots of peoples is noticing. Like the fake flowers inside of that Olive Garden, which is conveinently located 5 feet away from me." So Mister Mister entered the restaurant. "Table for one?" said the hostess, to which M.M. replied "I demands the best table in the house, for spraying is my specialty and I no can think of a lovlier place to do such a thing than on your fake flowers." So she led M.M. to a big table by the window, surrounded by fake flowers and bushes. M.M. was getting ready to do his sprayings when the waitress came by with both salads AND breadsticks. "These is for me?" asked the cat. "Yes sir, they're complimentary!" said the waitress. M.M. began to rethink his plan, and he began to munch on the delicious foodstuffs that had arrived free of charge. Next the server came back and took his order for sangrias. M.M. soon had pretty good feelings, and he forgotted all about his important plan. Suddenly he heard a squawking from just behind his fuzzy head. "Hey cat!" It was a mama bird with a disgusting and yet extremely comfortable nest, right in the middle of the fake begonias. "What you wants, Bird?" Said M.M. He had some drunkens by this time. "Well," said mama bird, "I wants you to go away and never comes back. These is MY fake flowers!" The next thing M.M. knew, a large plate of linguni with clam sauce was placed in front of him, and as he began to gobble it up the Mama bird deftly picked up a noodle, wrapped it around his neck, and throwed him out into the street. M.M. had too many drinkings to know what has happened, and Mama bird settled into the plate of linguni and said to her babies "that, my childrens, is how you deal with a cat." They lived happily ever after in the Olive Garden and also became famous for living in the Olive Garden. The End.

I does my first live improv comedy show and it has amazings

Last night I had an inviting to gives a special performance at the illustrious Pork Palace, of Face Books fame. Seeing as how it was comedies night, and I is a dog with many funnies to tell, I taked some audience suggestions for creatures, places and things, then wroted a Very Fast Story with the suggestions. I did no editings, spell checkings, and hardly even any backspacings. It was like "Who's Line is it Anyway?" Except it was online. And with a dog. 

Cheering ups was needed on this very sad day. RIP, Lennox.

I asked the audiences for the name of a vet, an inappropriate place to pee, and something that dogs hate. The audiences camed up with Dr. Nutwackers, a pillow, and the pizza delivery guy.  Here is the story!


Once upon a time there was a brave and handsome wiener dog named Reuben. "Reuben," said Reuben's mama, you needs to go see Dr. Nutwackers." Reuben had a big nervous for this, for last time he sawed Dr. Nutwackers, the experience was far too literals. So brave and handsome Reuben devised a plan. "First I will pees on this pillow," he schemed, "and then I will orders a pizza with extra bacons." How this was a crafty plan, you is asking? It no was; Reuben just felt like peeing on the pillow and eating pizzas. "Is you ready to see Dr. Nutwacker?" asked Reuben's mama. "Just a minute Mama," he said, doing a very big Whizz on her favorite memory foam pillow. "AHHHHHH!" she said, when she camed in the room and caughted him. Reuben, a smart wiener dog, played dumb. "You mean I NO IS supposed to pee here? I no had an idea, Mama!" "It is okay, sweet Reuben, for you is the most amazing and beautiful wiener dog ever." (***actual response may has differed***) So while Mama went to wash her pillow out in the bathtub, Reuben called up for some pizzas. "Yes, that will be 5 extra-large double bacon and sausage and pepperoni pizzas with extra cheese and extra crust. This time, you no sends a delivery man with Scary Hat!" For Reuben hated Scary Hats. In about 30 minutes the doorbell ranged and Reuben ranned to answer it, barking all the ways. Then his Mama camed to the door. "I no has time for this, young man, I must take my poor dog to Dr. Nutwackers!" "Dr. Nutwackers?!" said Pizza Man. "He owns this pizza store, you no knowed that?" In fact, she no had known that, and Reuben no had either. Suddenly, Reuben flopped down on the pizza he was nomming on and felt a floaty feeling in his head. "What you has done to me!?" he slurred, before he was knocked completely out. When he woked up there was a great pain in his unmentionables and he was in a crate at Dr. Nutwackers office. "You may has fooled me this time, Nutwacker, but I will gets you next time. Mwahahahahaha.... " The End.

Thank yous all and good nights! For those of yous who has had too many bacontinis, please do proceedings to the line of peoples waiting outside with leashes to safely walks you home. If you is a talent scout from Second City, you may send my new contract to floppytonguejoy AT gmail DOT com. 


I gots two more of these stories from last night, and I will do more postings of them at another time! 

If you thinks I has many funnies, you can vote for me, Reuben, and my blog, Floppy Tongue Joy, in the 2012 Petties awards. I is a finalist in the Funniest Blog or Blogger category, so you gots to click on this link, do a Face Bookings login, and scroll down to my category and select Floppy Tongue Joy. Thank yous!