Reuben's week in photos

Actually this is kind of my "week in Face Books photos," since many of these has already been posted to my Face Books page and possibly even my Twitters. 

Me and Stinky Monkey is helping with paperworks.

We did so much work that we felled asleep on the hairy rug.

Um.... this no is what it looks like.... look the other way please; there no is anything to see here.... THERE NO IS ANYTHING.

Seriously Mama, why I has to post this picture of Hatfield looking like an Egyptian catses god?

When the compost is on the ground
You must get your mouth around
A tomato.
See what I did there?

There is some who says that Squeaky Hot Dog makes me "insane."
This photo no does anything to help my case. 

This is very bad. A catses infestation to rival no other. 

Here is People Sister, betraying me with the freakishly long-legged Gretchen. 

Finally. Can we please focus on ME?! I is currently accepting applications for belly rubs. All candidates with fingers considered! 

Maybe you is noticing how all of these pictures is in doors. That is because it has been raining for about eleventy days, and also because Mama is very good at forgetting her flashy box when we takes walks. 

In conclusions, I has some *kind of* good newses. The newses is, Mama gotted promotion at work! That means she is allowed to work twice as many hours as she was before. I no has an understand for WHY this is a good thing. Something about having more monies to buy treats and chewies for Reuben, I thinks. Ok, actually it makes perfect sense. Also, on Monday she is starting classes again, which involves lots of listening to lectures and typing of boring things on the computer, hogging up all the interwebs and leaving none for me. And since I does my best writings when I is sitting in her lap, there will be less dogblogging, Face Booking and Twittering for me, Reuben. Already I was slacking in my dogblogging responsibilities, but now the lap I so badly need will be absent much more :( 

Mama says if this semester she can pass her classes, not get fired from her job, and not get disowned by People Sister and Daddy, that she has done a great job! Of course, I will be waiting vigilantly here for her, always willing to bravely accept a belly rub or yawn in her face.

*****

pee S.   My piggies is still at large in the woods. If sighted, please catch them and send them overnight to 

Reuben

Reuben's House and Yard

North Carolinas.

The story behind me and freakishly long-legged Gretchen

Good mornings friends! I is just finishing up Second Breakfast; it is composed of the coconut tempehs that Mama no likes as much as she used to, apparently. However, I should be eating coconut BACONS right now, on account of the indignities I suffered yesterday.

If you is following me on face books, then probably you knows the source of my grief from yesterday. 

file photo of all that is unholy.

And some peoples was asking, "hey Reuben, you handsome an brave dachshund - why you has such a powerful dislike for Gretchen? She looks sweet enough."

Friends, if Gretchen was trying to steal your chewies, your place on the couch, your foodstuffs, your place in the bed, your humpy bed, your people family, and your entire house, I's thinking you might feel differently about her. 

Mama and Daddy adopted Gretchen from Almost Home Dachshund Rescue, which is the same nice rescue group that helped pay for my mouth surgicals. Mama and Daddy thoughted I needed a friend to play with, on account of how I sleep so much - they thought I might be BORED. Little did they know that I was vigilantly sleeping to protect the house!  Also people sister wanted Gretchen to be my girlfriend, which was a terrible mistake. To make a (freakishly) long story short, you can read all about why Gretchen went to live on the farm with Grandpa man *** here***. But we no gotted along almost all of the time, though occasional photos has been snapped of us sitting near to each other when I had a momentary letting down of my vigilant guard. Some has even gone so far to suggest that Gretchen is BIGGER than me, which is a outrageous lie. Just because she has longer legs than me (freakishly long, might I add), and maybe weighs more than me, and is slightly longer in the torso, it NO MEANS that she is bigger! Because as we all knows, I is basically the biggest dog who ever has existed. 

We still sees each other fairly often. Sometimes I go out to the farm to pee on things visit, and sometimes she comes over here to steal my chewies and try to escape out the kitty door visit. And yesterday, I had one of those unfortunate visitings of her coming to my house. Mostly she just tries to "play" with me, and obsessively licks my face, which I HATES because that is where the very sensitive area of my mouth is located. So I growls fiercely, but she no pays attention, and sometimes tries to sit on me (oh the humanities!) When she first camed to live with us - and I is only telling you this because of my sincere and unwavering trust in you all - Gretchen actually tried to hump me on multiple occasions. And I no could hump her back on account of her freakishly long legs! So I would then find the closest soft object and make a huge deal out of humping it in front of her, and she would does the same thing, and let me tells you - there was a LOT of inanimate-object-humping during those first few weeks. We was both trying to establish our dominence, and since we is neutered and spayed, blankies, pillows and humpy beds took the brunt of our efforts.

As you can see, this is basically the greatest affront to my personal Self, ever. 

Moving on. So yesterday Gretchen came for a babysitting while Daddy and Grandpa man were working on some house-fixing stuffs. Here is a full account of our unfortunate day, in photos:

blatant betrayal by people sister.

Unapologetic theft of my meaty stick.

Still chewing on MY meaty stick. In MY place on top of the couch.

Licking me on my sensitive mouth

Me, sulking and angrily chewing on a blankie and no looking at Gretchen the intruder.

Also, Mama and people sister tooked us on a walk together (in MY park), except Mama forgotted to bring camera in all the craziness of getting out the door. I took an extra long time peeing on everything while Gretchen ranned ahead with people sister using her freakishly long legs.FINALLY Grandpa man camed to pick her up, and all was restored to the natural and correct order of things. Which is me, Reuben, being an Only Dog and doing it amazingly well.


Pee S. The 2013 North Carolina Wiener Roast is coming up very soon, and oh man, did I has a blast last year!  I maybe no will enter the wiener race again this year, on account of how I ranned away from the finish line instead of towards it. But I DOES have a very exciting thing planned for the Roast, and you will has to wait just a little bit longer to find out what it is!

I has been dog-shamed.

Oh, the humanities....

Yes it is true.

tongue looks good though.

oh my, it is a very handsome tongue!

I was so upset about being dog-shamed that I almost fell off the couch.

In other newses, I has a big surprise coming soon..... I no is telling what it is either, that would make it an un-surprise! I will tells it when the timings is right :)

WOW! That is a lot of spams for Reuben.

I has my crazy eyes on you, spammers.

Since my last post there has been some.... spam-related developments. Unfortunate ones. It appears my dogblog is enjoying a newfound and highly annoying popularity with more and more spammers every day! They have greatly increased the amount of insightful commentaries deposited onto my dogblog - just in the last 5 days! I think it is because very few peoples, let alone dogs, truly takes the time to address the questionings and concernings of spammers the way I does. They is a very misunderstood group I is now seeing, desperate for attention and also for the three copper coins they gets into Nigerian bank account when someone clicks on their sketchy and probably illegal fun and enlightening links.

Spammers now is flocking to me, Reuben, for advice on many different kinds of things, and offering advices of their own, and my burgeoning populatities has given me a great amount more of blog-monitoring duties. These has begun to encroach on my chewing and napping schedules, and as a result I has had to make a change to my commentary moderations. That change being mainly that now all commentaries will be moderated.

It is a great burden to be the pioneering soul that I is, willing to take time out of my busy day to address the concerns of spammers. Now I faces unusual dilemma: if I requires user registration in order to post commentaries, no longer will my loyal spam readers be able to break through, and no longer I will be able to has more of Reuben's Q&As with Spammers! So for now, I does commentary moderation in order to control the flood of auto-translated vomit lovely fan mails of which I has recently become a frequent recipient.

Now if you will does an excusing of me, I is very tired after a long night of whining and also stepping all over Mama to make her carry me downstairs for a drink of water, after which she no could go back to sleep for eleventy hours. If I no gets 19 hours of sleep a day I gets crabby! I think Mama never gets enough sleeps, for often she is crabby. I's sure that has nothing to do with my frequent thirsties in the middle of the night.

More waters. NOW.

Pee S: Mama had my increased thirsties checked out at vet, and Vet says I is in perfect health, as usuals, and Mama no needs to worry about it other than for how much sleeps she is losing due to me waking her up in the nights.

A invasion of Reuben's home and attack on his chewies, plus some newses

This past week's adventuring involved me, my chewies, and a foster dog named Charlie.

This is the Charlie that I referred to earlier.

Notice how I is situated higher on the couch than he is. This is because I is top super mega alpha dog, and Charlie is annoying bed-pooping stuff-destroying not-alpha dog. Does you see my yellow squishy peanut here? Probably you no can even tells that it is a peanut on account of how Charlie chewied it to pieces! Here is some more of his handiworks. Or should I say, mouthyworks:

Not only was peanut defiled, but octopus as well.

Does you sees this?! It is my new humpy bed with holes chewed all up in it!

This was octopus B.C. (Before Charlie)

This was peanut B.C. Put it down people sister, it is MINE.

This was octopus and peanut, A.C. (After Charlie):

nooooooooooooo

I is pleased to report that Charlie has caughted the mid-Atlantic wiener dog express and is now nice and comfy in his foster home with Furever Dachshund Rescue. He made a great exciting for the week, even though he pooped in some various beds and ran out the door on Mama's first day of work and she felled over trying to catch him and scraped her knee and went to first day of new job with bloody knee. And even though I is a very busy dog, perhaps I can make time in the futures for some short-term fosterings who I can boss around and show that I is alpha dog extreme. 

This brings me directly to my next point, and it is thusly: Mama has gotted new job at the public library! She is now library assistant, which she will does while she works on her master's degree. Also this means that between her works there, and the stuffs we does for Almost Home Dachshund Rescue, and her classes, and also time for ME (and people sister and Daddy), and hitting the gym (yeah right Mama, this is totally happening), she has very little time for me to sit in her lap while I types up my dogblog. And as we all knows, it is difficult for me to reach the numbers and letters on my internet-enabled typewriter unless I is sitting in her lap. 

So what all of this means? Well, it means I no will be around Blogville as much as I would like to bes. I tries to catch up on my friends' adventurings whenever I can, but there is so many of you and you is such prolific cat and dogbloggers, that always I is falling short of doing visitings of everyone I wants to see. And for this I has sorries, but there no is much I can does about it now. Also I would like to point out that my chewing and napping schedule has gotten way out of hand, not to mention my peeings. Oh, the peeings! So many peeings.

This is an example of how tired all of this makes me. I is a senior dog, after alls.

Love from me,

Reuben

The Great Sniff of 2013

I smells something. Something extremely interesting. I must find that Thing. Find it, and pee on it.

my journey begins here, in the snows, in front of my house.

I crosses the street (Mama holded my paw) and heads into the park

I's too busy sniffing to read these boring rules, Mama!

Good thing they no says anything like "dogs must be on leash." I assume.

I no will rests until I finds the Thing! And pees on it.

OK, I will rest just a little bit.

Hmm, I must has slept a little longer than I thoughted - all of the snows is gone.

I has convienently skipped over the sniffings from the 20 miles between my house and Grandpa Man's house. And somehow, here I is! Sniffing.

AAAHHHHH, not GRETCHEN!!! I think she has smelled the thing i is sniffing for! I must move quickly now.

Hold on a minute..... this broccoli smells awfully suspicious.... I wonder if......

Yes, this it it! The Interesting Thing. It is Broccoli Plant! 

It's all in a day's work for me, Reuben. Or a couple of days. Whatever.

In troubles

All I has to says for myself is that I is innocent. Where my lawyer is? I demands justICE!

Hatfield the orange kitty setted me up!!!

Speaking of ICE, and also of CREAMS, please no forgets that I has free Frosty Paw coupons to give out and also a stuffie to go with thems! All you has to does is e-mail a photo of your lovely self EITHER

A. outside in the snows 

OR

B. inside, snuggling up and enjoying comfies (this is a good option if you no has snows, or if you just hates snows. Like me!)

I will posts the winning photos on my dogblog and then you will gets free ice creams. It is a no-harebrainer, friends.

Frosty says it can be USA dogs only - he says they no makes his ice creams anywhere else. Meanwhile, I has started a petition to bring Frosty Paws to every corner of the earths! I mean, I will starts one. Right after my nap. 

My tongue has a big case of dry.

Reuben's letter to Santa Paws

Dear Santa Paws,

This is a file photo, but my letter looks just like this.

This year I has been a Very Good Dog. I helped protect the house by barking at everything and everyone who camed near it - including and especially the suspicious character dressed in blue and carrying satchels who always is trying to steal my mails.

I only peed in the house a couple of times. For a dachshund, this is amazing.

Yes I ranned away on the farm a few times, and made additional thwarted attempts, but seriously Santa - what you would has done if there was not only monster chickens, but ALSO monster wild turkies to chase through the forests? So you see, these incidents was entirely unavoidable.

I only bited Daddy when it was absolutely necessary: in cases of him being a clear and present danger to my chewies, in which event, I has prior authorization to do a biting of him. I made half-hearted attempts to bite a few other people, so really, those no counts as biting incidents. Oh, I did bite Mama once, by accident - I was trying to bite Daddy. Sorries, Mama and Santa.

I no was brave towards Hatfield the orange kitty every single day. Here is evidence of that one day where I let him sleep next to me.

Exhibit A: me, not chasing Hatfield. And that's Red Humpy Bed I is sleeping on.

I has treated my Humpy Beds - both Blue and Red - with respect and equality. Due to this, both of thems has all of the stuffings coming out, and one time I ated the stuffings, and then I throwed them up, and Mama thoughted it was a hairball, and the vet was very confused by the whole thing, on account of me not being a catses. Therefore, this year for Christmasses I would like a new Humpy Bed. Of course I still loves Blue and Red, but Mama no wants me to eat any more stuffings, unless they is the kind that comes out of the turkies on Christmas eve.

I assume you will also be bringing the usual assortment of chewies and treats.

Thank you Santa for recognizing me as a Very Good Dog this year!


Merry Festivitals,

Reuben

With a face like this, how I could be bad?

A brave and busy morning with me, Reuben

Good mornings friends,

First of all today I would like to show the lovely ornament that Garth Riley gaved me. It is on our tree of Christmas, which is the indoor tree I no is allowed to pee on.

Humans is very strange. But I totally loves my ornament; thank yous Garth.

Next of all is a picture of my personal Self looking very handsome today.

I don't always flop my tongue out. But when I does, I looks like an atristocat. 

Then I yawned. Or.... wait, maybe I was yelling....

OMD Daddy no touch my chewies!!!1!!!11!

Next I is looking suspiciously at something moving in the peripherals of my vision. It may has had designs on stealing my chewies.

Dust bunny? Leaf? Piece of paper on the floor? Highly suspicious....

 Then I yawned for real. I is a senior kind of dog, after all, and it is very important that I gets enough sleeps. At least 16 hours a day.

Also most of my lovely nine tooths is visible here.

 So now it is back to sleep for me, Reuben. Vigilant sleep. Zzzzzzzzz...

There no is any escape for pink chewy. Not now, not ever.

I hope you all has a day as full of excitements as me! Finally, I would like to say thank yous to my friend Cotton for giving me the friendly blogger award. It is an honor to knows you Cotton; you is my favorite teddy bear ninja.


Love,

Reuben