Mama comes home and I surprises her.... unfortunately.

I almost no even can believe it - Mama camed BACK!

Stinky Monkey and me is almost too excited even to blog about it. 

Friends, I was beginning to has a worry that she would NEVER come back, after she and people sister left me alone for a WHOLE WEEK with DADDY and HATFIELD.

The horribly traumatic experience of No Mama ended like this tonight:

Mama: "Reuben, we're home!"

Reuben: "Wha.... so.... sleepy.... no can open eyes.... wait OMD it is MAMA!"

Then she scooped me up and taked me to the couch and she and people sister gaved me lots of rubs and lovins.

Oh, yeeaaaahhhhhh!!!!

Mama: "Reuben, you smell even stinkier than usual."

People sister: "Oh, I know what that smell is. It's cow manure."

Mama: .....

And then the next thing I knowed, I was in BATH getting rubbed with Hawaiian shampoos and conditioners!  All of my formidible stink went away. And does you know what else went away! Some FLEAS. Yes, when Mama gotted home I was scented with manure (from the farm) and sprinkled with fleas (probably also from farm). AND.... my bowl was full of the kind of foodstuffs that I HATES. I bet you thoughted that I no hated any foodstuffs! That should tell you how terrible this particular kind of kibble foodstuff is.

Mama says that Daddy has to sleep in doghouse tonight. What's that, Mama? He no actually has to sleep there? Is a "metafoor?" I no knows what that means. All I knows is that Daddy better close the barn door before the piggy escapes. And speaking of piggies.... Mama owes me a whole piggy on account of her leaving me for eleventy thousand years. She says she is working on it. We shall see, shan't we Mama?

At least I has one thingy to console me, and it is the lovely review of my book that Frankie and Ernie posted on their dogblog. Guys, it is like I always says: if I can make just one creature laugh in a day, then my day has been a success. Of course, there is many wisdoms in said book too, wisdoms that I is so happy to has shared with my buddies F & E. Tonight I will dream about frolicking with thems, and deading moles or something, just so I can forget the horrors of my BATH and TERRIBLE FOODSTUFFS and FLEAS and COW POOP.

A staycation for Reuben.... kind of

Friends, it has been too long since I tooked a proper vacationing. The demands of constant napping and chewing, as well as the prohibitive cost of absolutely everything, has made it very hard to does all of the travelings I loves to does. First I travels to a place. Then I gets out of the car and begin the satisfying task of peeing on every single thing I sees. Oh how I misses that! So I has decided to take a virtual vacation - or a staycation - today, and to bring all of my dogblogging friends along with me. Here we goes....

the Blue Ridge Parkway

I think something is missing from this ski slope.

Yes, this river is to my liking.

neat water wheel

some Blue Ridge mountains

fun river that I no gotted to visit due to the rough terrain

same thing, different river. 

I is too senior for all of this.

OMD, that looks like the coldest bath evers!

I did a great job of supervising the horses on our friends' mountain farm.

More of the horse supervising I referred to earlier.

It was only a day trip to mountains, so now we comes back home to my lovely city for a big night out:

And then we puts our hands up, like the ceiling no can hold us!

Thanks for hanging out with me today!


Pee S. My very first book is now available for purchasings on my publisher's website!It will be coming to Amazons and Kindles in the summer.

Parking Day! I think that is right....

Hello friends, I is so excited about how today is Parking Day! Finn & Charlie and Gizmo has set up this lovely day to encourage all brave dogs to go outside and pee on explore a park. I no has to go far to find my park, for it is across the street from my house. Though I has done many, many peeings in it, there is ALWAYS something new to pee on. It is a fantastic park!

There was a LOT of this going on.

And some of this....

And then some more of this.

What a lovely flower. Now I proceeds to eat it.

Sniffing sniffing sniffing sniffing

 I's almost out of pee, but I must persevere! 

At this house they has chickens in the backyard! Mama has sawed them before, but for some unfair reason I no is allowed to.....

Hold on, I think I can find some more pee for this tree.

Is that a SQUIRREL?! OMFG SQUIRREL!!!1!!1

Here is some Instagram photos that Mama magicked to look nicer than anything she could possibly do with iphone camera:

I posted this picture on my face books, and it said: "Fear me, Reuben, and my mighty bark! Ruff, ruff!"

Lovely flowers. Yes, I peed on them.

This is people sister and her dog "Rufus." "Rufus" is a brown dachshund who sings  "Do You Love Me (Now That I Can Dance)." I is a little jealous of "Rufus." 

What a beautiful spring day!

When people sister was littler she started calling this gazebo "the pirate ship." We still calls it that. 

Another view of the pirate ship.

Parking Day was fantastic! However...... I got very involved in pooping on and then kicking a large pile of leaves, which resulted in me having a very gross hindquarter region. So.....

AAAAHHHHHHHHH

Oh, the humanities....

I think I sees escape route....

THERE IS NO ESCAPE!!!

Still, Parking Day was a lot of fun. And surely I will do it all over again in a couple of days! Thanks Finn, Charlie and Gizmo for establishing this lovely holiday.

WOW! That is a lot of spams for Reuben.

I has my crazy eyes on you, spammers.

Since my last post there has been some.... spam-related developments. Unfortunate ones. It appears my dogblog is enjoying a newfound and highly annoying popularity with more and more spammers every day! They have greatly increased the amount of insightful commentaries deposited onto my dogblog - just in the last 5 days! I think it is because very few peoples, let alone dogs, truly takes the time to address the questionings and concernings of spammers the way I does. They is a very misunderstood group I is now seeing, desperate for attention and also for the three copper coins they gets into Nigerian bank account when someone clicks on their sketchy and probably illegal fun and enlightening links.

Spammers now is flocking to me, Reuben, for advice on many different kinds of things, and offering advices of their own, and my burgeoning populatities has given me a great amount more of blog-monitoring duties. These has begun to encroach on my chewing and napping schedules, and as a result I has had to make a change to my commentary moderations. That change being mainly that now all commentaries will be moderated.

It is a great burden to be the pioneering soul that I is, willing to take time out of my busy day to address the concerns of spammers. Now I faces unusual dilemma: if I requires user registration in order to post commentaries, no longer will my loyal spam readers be able to break through, and no longer I will be able to has more of Reuben's Q&As with Spammers! So for now, I does commentary moderation in order to control the flood of auto-translated vomit lovely fan mails of which I has recently become a frequent recipient.

Now if you will does an excusing of me, I is very tired after a long night of whining and also stepping all over Mama to make her carry me downstairs for a drink of water, after which she no could go back to sleep for eleventy hours. If I no gets 19 hours of sleep a day I gets crabby! I think Mama never gets enough sleeps, for often she is crabby. I's sure that has nothing to do with my frequent thirsties in the middle of the night.

More waters. NOW.

Pee S: Mama had my increased thirsties checked out at vet, and Vet says I is in perfect health, as usuals, and Mama no needs to worry about it other than for how much sleeps she is losing due to me waking her up in the nights.

Reuben's outdoor adventures

Friends, today I has two things to tell you of. One involves sausage. The other involves... well, if you follows me on Face Books then already you knows of this travesty.

oh, the horrors.... I remembers it like it was yesterday.... oh wait, it was yesterday.

Anyways, a few days ago we did a campfire and some cookings out at the farm! I ated many delicious things. First up was the sausage! I ated it so fast you no even can see it.

sausage stealth mode!

 Then an entire veggie burger felled on the ground! First I ated the bread (that should tell you how I feels about veggie burgers).

*nomnomnomnomnom*

Then I ated the burger part.

I liked the bread part better, Mama!

Guess what fell next? A corn!

It is a foodstuff and a chewy, all rolled up into one!

I use the term "fell" loosely. Perhaps you can see in this photo how I is helping myself to some foodstuffs on top of the cooler (blue with white lid, behind fire):

Daddy, you forgotted to give me these foodstuffs! So I will take them.

It was a very nice evening.


Then....


Yesterday I was out in the yard, checking my pee-mails.

Just copies me on the attachment and pdf it for me, okays?

Then I worked on perfecting my post-pee kick. Does you see the flying grass?

This is what I think of your bmp image!!!

Next thing I knowed, White Fuzzy from next door was watching me. 

Can I help yous, White Fuzzy?

 But...

.....

This time he and/or she no was nice. We had quite an exchange of barkings and growlings through the fence. I has to let him and/or her know who is boss! (Hint: it is me). However, the events that took place next made me question this whole "boss" thing:

AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!11!!1

Yes it is true, Mama grabbed me and, right in front of White Fuzzy and the whole neighborhood, rudely drenched me in WATERS and SOAP!.... what's that Mama? Oh, she wants me to add that it was extremely warm yesterday and hose water would has felt refreshing, if I was the kind of dog who liked waters. I no does. Then I aerodynamically dried my Self.

Look at the aerodynamicals on my ears!

Then I sat in Mama's lap to finish drying off.

I think I still loves you, even though you has tried to kill me with waters and  disgusting soaps

Next time this happens to me, Reuben, I is hoping that you all will call FBI during the horrible proceedings, for surely this kind of thing is illegal in 87 states.

important Statements about my personal self

I feel the time has come to make some very important Statements about my personal self. There are certain things that maybe my blogging friends no is knowing about me, and as the intrepid journalist that I is, it is time to turn the camera inward for a change. Not literally - Mama's camera is out of batteries and if I ever has a camera in my innards, well - probably we is going back to Vet.

This is a file photo of me sniffing Gretchen's butt

So here they is, in no particular order:

• I is soft, like a bunny. Seriously, my fur is the softest dog fur ever. It is hard to tell this on the internets
• I makes a grunty noise when I is happy and a gremlin noise when I is mad
• I has a amazing tattoo - really it is more of a battle scar, for the vet gaved it to me after she stoled my nuggets. It's a cool arrow-looking thing, I will gets my mama to photograph it whenever she gets around to the battery issue
• When Mama is giving me belly rubs and then she forgets to keep doing it, I thrust my prominent manly chest in the air and wiggle around until she remembers that she no is done giving me belly rubs yet
• I has a triangulated patch on my tail with all of the furs missing. Why? I no has any idea
• We share a driveway with our "neighbor." We all knows that this word means "extremely brazen intruder," and I intends to continue terrorizing him until he moves out and gives me back my driveway
• I shakes in the bathtub, but only from COLD. It no is from fear, even though Mama makes the bath waters very warm, still I shivers. From COLDNESS, not fear
• Before I gotted my nuggets stolen at the vet, one of my favorite things to does was hump this other dog across the street. He was a boxer/pit bull mix, so usually I no gotted much higher than his ankles, due to my correct-sized legs
• I gets reverse sneezings all the time. They is most frequent in the middle of the night when Mama has a very important thing to does very early in the morning. She has to wake up and put her hand over my snout so I will stop sneezings, then she no can get back to sleep, so she has to give me belly rubs! It is a great plan of mine
• At home I no will get my foots and belly wet; I will instead do my peeings on the porch. At the farm I will romp happily through the wets all day, peeing on everything to help make it wetter
• We has a pet door that I could (probably)  fit through if I wanted. Instead I prefers to stand at the door and whine and wag my tail until my valet opens it for me

I hope these many interesting facts has given you a great insight into me, Reuben.

Also, I must make it known that my dogblog and Face Books friends is some of the most amazing peoples, dogs and yes, even catses, that ever I has been lucky enough to "meet." Never has I seen a one with my own eyes, in the actual world and not on the internets, and still my friends cared enough about me to help my Mama and Daddy through this hard time with their contributions. I started my ChipIn at about 2pm. I setted it to run through September 7, hoping to maybe reach part of my $469 goal in that time. Four hours later there was enough donations to cover me and Hatfield's vet bills from the past two months, and even a little bit extra too that I will give to my friends Juno and Scout over at Juno's Place, to help with Scout's very expensive surgeries. I made me get a kind of wet feeling in my eyes. I NO WAS crying, probably it was just.... summer allergies. Or cat hairs. I no is exactly sure. I loves you all and I looks forward to many more sharings with all of you.

Love,

Reuben