Black and white Sundae

Dreaming of sundaes....

A musical Humpy Day

Hello friends, on this auspishious Humpy Day I would like to bring you some beautiful musics. Maybe you no is knowing this about me, but I is a amazing songwriter. In fact, I is writing all of these fantabulous songs that pop tarts pop stars is always stealing from me! I has a call in to my lawyer about this travesty. In the meantime, here is just a few of the #1 hits that I has penned.

Obviously, I was very young when I wroted this song, but I stands firmly behind it as an example of my artistry. This is a rare example of one of my songs being stoled with all of the words to the chorus completely intact (just like I was at this time):




Of course, Adele has butchered my beautiful song "Reuben Has It." Just listen!



Terrible. Here is the correct lyricals:

"Reuben Has It"

I is big; I sprays my pee on the ground
I took my Chewy from you, and now you has a big frown
I likes to chew cause it feels good on my tooths
Now Reuben has it, and I never needs no excuse

Reuben has it (grrrr)
Reuben has it (grrrr)
Reuben has it (grrrr)
Reuben has it (grrrr)

Next up is a song that I was just a puppy when I wroted it. Of course, the lyricals is wrong again:




Here is the correct lyricals:
(*editor's note: People Sister actually wrote this one all by herself!)

"Reuben the Magic Dachshund"

Reuben the magic dachshund lived in a house
He liked to frolic on the farm way outside of town
He has a floppy tongue and a snaggle tooth
And likes to pee on every tree, and has a cat in his house, so back off! 

Reuben the magic dachshund lived in a house
He liked to frolic on the farm way outside of town
He has chewies and beds to keep him satisfied,
And to keep his teeth from hurting, because he only has nine of them.


Clearly, friends, I is owed many royalties from all of these hard works. If my lawyer no can work out the logisticals on this one, then I plans to go pee on their legs.

A box of chewies and treats for Reuben!

Friends, the lady in the blue pants rang my doorbell and ranned away yesterday, AGAIN. I was very busy with my nap and I no appreciated the interruption, for of course my resounding barks was required. But when I sawed what she left on my porch, I was glad instead! I is so proud to has winned a prize in Gizmo and Finn's illustrious Parking Day, and here is some photos of the floppy tongue joy this box broughted to me. 

People sister helped me open the box.

OMD what it is? Is it mine?

OMFD it is SQUEAKY. MUST HAVE NOW.

Hold on a minute, I wants that thingy too!

Seriously, people sister - this NO IS COOL.

You asked for it - THE BITEY FACE,

If I sit on them, they becomes mine forever.

chewys... treats... they're all here! 'sigh'

It is hard to see in this photo, but next to the Kong treats is a dog poop bag dispenser. People sister thoughted it was so neat that we went for a walk to test it out right away! (It was still Mama's job to clean up the poop though). It has been raining here for about eleventy hundred days, and it was just the right moment in between of the showers too. 

OMD, this is so embarassing.

I  kicked really hard to cover it up.

But Mama still finded it and putted it in this bag. The poop, I means.

This is a gratuitous photo of my personal Self being stubborn on my walk. Boyz 2 Men was WRONG when they said we comed to the end of the road.

So thank you very much, Gizmo and Finn. I love my stuffs and you is both Good Dogs.

Now, friends, I has a few things I want to does remindings of. One of thems is that MY book, the one I wroted with my own two paws (and like almost no helps from Mama), is going to be featured in the grand openings of the Pet Blogger Mall!  Soon there will be a big store on the internets that sells all kinds of stuffs made by pet bloggers like myself. This place is gonna be so pawsome - can you imagine the possibilities for that strange time of year when peoples bring trees into the house and expect you to no pee on them? So go subscribe to the mall blog so you can gets all the details as they happens. 

Here is my next announcing: this very Saturday, May 11, is the North Carolina Wiener Roast.  Held annually at Castle McCullough (seriously, it is a flipping castle), it is the best and biggest dachshund party that ever there has been in the whole entire world. I mean, out of all the ones I has attended. Okay, this is the only one I has attended. And it was basically the funnest day ever. And this year I will be there again, sitting on my very own table, selling copies of my book! I knows that Garth Riley will be stopping by to say hello, and if any others of my friends is semi-near to Greensboro, NC, you should come too (I's looking at you, Madi!). Proceeds from this lovely event will goes to Almost Home Dachshund Rescue  and Dachshund Rescue of North America. I promise to no pee on you or even try to dead you if you comes to visit me there. Of course, it will help if you brings treats. 

Best.... day..... ever!!!

A invasion of Reuben's home and attack on his chewies, plus some newses

This past week's adventuring involved me, my chewies, and a foster dog named Charlie.

This is the Charlie that I referred to earlier.

Notice how I is situated higher on the couch than he is. This is because I is top super mega alpha dog, and Charlie is annoying bed-pooping stuff-destroying not-alpha dog. Does you see my yellow squishy peanut here? Probably you no can even tells that it is a peanut on account of how Charlie chewied it to pieces! Here is some more of his handiworks. Or should I say, mouthyworks:

Not only was peanut defiled, but octopus as well.

Does you sees this?! It is my new humpy bed with holes chewed all up in it!

This was octopus B.C. (Before Charlie)

This was peanut B.C. Put it down people sister, it is MINE.

This was octopus and peanut, A.C. (After Charlie):

nooooooooooooo

I is pleased to report that Charlie has caughted the mid-Atlantic wiener dog express and is now nice and comfy in his foster home with Furever Dachshund Rescue. He made a great exciting for the week, even though he pooped in some various beds and ran out the door on Mama's first day of work and she felled over trying to catch him and scraped her knee and went to first day of new job with bloody knee. And even though I is a very busy dog, perhaps I can make time in the futures for some short-term fosterings who I can boss around and show that I is alpha dog extreme. 

This brings me directly to my next point, and it is thusly: Mama has gotted new job at the public library! She is now library assistant, which she will does while she works on her master's degree. Also this means that between her works there, and the stuffs we does for Almost Home Dachshund Rescue, and her classes, and also time for ME (and people sister and Daddy), and hitting the gym (yeah right Mama, this is totally happening), she has very little time for me to sit in her lap while I types up my dogblog. And as we all knows, it is difficult for me to reach the numbers and letters on my internet-enabled typewriter unless I is sitting in her lap. 

So what all of this means? Well, it means I no will be around Blogville as much as I would like to bes. I tries to catch up on my friends' adventurings whenever I can, but there is so many of you and you is such prolific cat and dogbloggers, that always I is falling short of doing visitings of everyone I wants to see. And for this I has sorries, but there no is much I can does about it now. Also I would like to point out that my chewing and napping schedule has gotten way out of hand, not to mention my peeings. Oh, the peeings! So many peeings.

This is an example of how tired all of this makes me. I is a senior dog, after alls.

Love from me,

Reuben

A Sonnet for My Chewy

Oh Chewy, how dust I loves thee
Let me does a counting of the ways:

One
You gets so deliciously stinky after I has been chewing on you for all of the whole day. Stinky and wet.

Two
You satisfies my inborn kind of urge to chew. It is a very powerful urge!

Um.........


..............



Eleventy
*chewchewchewchewchewchew* what I was talking about? I forgotted. *chewchewchewchewchew*

....omnomnomnomnom chewy....

Reuben's letter to Santa Paws

Dear Santa Paws,

This is a file photo, but my letter looks just like this.

This year I has been a Very Good Dog. I helped protect the house by barking at everything and everyone who camed near it - including and especially the suspicious character dressed in blue and carrying satchels who always is trying to steal my mails.

I only peed in the house a couple of times. For a dachshund, this is amazing.

Yes I ranned away on the farm a few times, and made additional thwarted attempts, but seriously Santa - what you would has done if there was not only monster chickens, but ALSO monster wild turkies to chase through the forests? So you see, these incidents was entirely unavoidable.

I only bited Daddy when it was absolutely necessary: in cases of him being a clear and present danger to my chewies, in which event, I has prior authorization to do a biting of him. I made half-hearted attempts to bite a few other people, so really, those no counts as biting incidents. Oh, I did bite Mama once, by accident - I was trying to bite Daddy. Sorries, Mama and Santa.

I no was brave towards Hatfield the orange kitty every single day. Here is evidence of that one day where I let him sleep next to me.

Exhibit A: me, not chasing Hatfield. And that's Red Humpy Bed I is sleeping on.

I has treated my Humpy Beds - both Blue and Red - with respect and equality. Due to this, both of thems has all of the stuffings coming out, and one time I ated the stuffings, and then I throwed them up, and Mama thoughted it was a hairball, and the vet was very confused by the whole thing, on account of me not being a catses. Therefore, this year for Christmasses I would like a new Humpy Bed. Of course I still loves Blue and Red, but Mama no wants me to eat any more stuffings, unless they is the kind that comes out of the turkies on Christmas eve.

I assume you will also be bringing the usual assortment of chewies and treats.

Thank you Santa for recognizing me as a Very Good Dog this year!


Merry Festivitals,

Reuben

With a face like this, how I could be bad?

A brave and busy morning with me, Reuben

Good mornings friends,

First of all today I would like to show the lovely ornament that Garth Riley gaved me. It is on our tree of Christmas, which is the indoor tree I no is allowed to pee on.

Humans is very strange. But I totally loves my ornament; thank yous Garth.

Next of all is a picture of my personal Self looking very handsome today.

I don't always flop my tongue out. But when I does, I looks like an atristocat. 

Then I yawned. Or.... wait, maybe I was yelling....

OMD Daddy no touch my chewies!!!1!!!11!

Next I is looking suspiciously at something moving in the peripherals of my vision. It may has had designs on stealing my chewies.

Dust bunny? Leaf? Piece of paper on the floor? Highly suspicious....

 Then I yawned for real. I is a senior kind of dog, after all, and it is very important that I gets enough sleeps. At least 16 hours a day.

Also most of my lovely nine tooths is visible here.

 So now it is back to sleep for me, Reuben. Vigilant sleep. Zzzzzzzzz...

There no is any escape for pink chewy. Not now, not ever.

I hope you all has a day as full of excitements as me! Finally, I would like to say thank yous to my friend Cotton for giving me the friendly blogger award. It is an honor to knows you Cotton; you is my favorite teddy bear ninja.


Love,

Reuben

Violation of the Reuben-Daddy Peace Agreement of 2012

Step away from squeaky monkey.... slowly... I no wants to has to hurt you (much)

To: The International Committee of Human-Dog Relations
Re: Blatant Treaty Violation
October 3, 2012

To the President of the Governing Body:

I brings to your attention today a matter of grave and important..... importance. In a direct and blatant violation of the Reuben-Daddy Peace Agreement of October 2, 2012, Daddy has both purposefully and maliciously stepped upon my squeaky monkey, causing said monkey to emit a.... squeaky monkey sound.

I draws your attention to section 87, clause eleventy of the Treaty:

"No Daddy shall make an overt and deliberate motion in the direction of Reuben's chewies, regardless of the location of the chewies, the location of Reuben, or how ornery Daddy happens to be feeling at that particular moment."

And we all knows, because we has all read section 88 of the Treaty:

"Any attempt by Daddy to handle, manhandle, throw, sit upon, squeeze, or come within 87 foots of Reuben's chewies will elicit a warning bark from said Reuben. In the occurrance that the barkings is ignored by Daddy, subsequent biting actions will be taken."

Please note that the reccommended actions has been taken against Daddy for the unpardonable crime of chewy violation, and should such future events occur, similar actions will has repeatings, adjusted for the severity of the particular situation.

Thank you for your attention to this international incident.

Regards,

Me, Reuben: a brave and handsome wiener dog

Why I has this recurring dream about colorful zebras in the circus

We gots a new morning kind of alarm in my house. Does you want to hear the ringtone we wakes up to every morning?




Well..... it wakes some of us up.

zzzzzz....... monster rainbow zebras........ zzzzzzzz.......

Reuben on a calender.... almost

zzzzzz bacons..... zzzz chewies...... zzzzzzz coverdog on a dachshund calender.... zzzzzzzz

Has my dream camed true yet?

My box from Garth! And a couple other things too

Friends, I no has been doing a lot of bloggings and face bookings lately. Mama has been very busy, she has about eleventy different jobs, she goes to schools, and she also has the important job of taking care of me, Reuben. And Leah and Hatfield too, I guesses. What this has to do with my computerings, you asks? Well, it is easier to reach the keyboard when I sits in Mama's lap, due to my correct-sized legs. So when I no has a good lap space to work on, I spends my hours sleeping and barking at Hatfield instead. I has a great responsibility for these things.

I gotted tired of how Mama no was providing me a lap to work in, so I fiercely barked at her until she throwed up her hands and said "ok, fine Reuben, we will go work on the bloggings now."

I mentioned the other day how i gotted another package in the mail - from Garth, for recognitions in his Silly Photo Contest! Here is the story of how I opened them.

I was busy with Blue Humpy Bed when Leah said "guess what Reuben, you has a package!"

I could make a unsavory joke here, but since I is a gentledog, I no will

And the next thing I knowed....

Magicals!

All of these things appeared before my eyes! Look, there is ornaments for the tree of Christmas, with my name on thems, and a trophy for my beautiful self, and a paper stamper and photos of handsome Garth! Now, maybe you is wondering what happened in between of when I was humping and when the gifts was on the table. So I will show you:

omfg new chewy!!!!1!1!!1!1

Yes it is true, another chewy for me, Reuben! Leah rudely teased me with it for eleventy years before I finally snatched it with my jaws of death.

MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE

 Once I gotted it, I was sure that Mama was trying to take it away. Why else she brought out the flashy beast? Obviously she was trying to distract me, but I no was having any of it.

Has I mentioned already about how this is mine?

I refused to show my handsome face to the flashy beast while I was getting acquainted with new chewy.

Notice how I does extra guardings of it with my right front paw

But I did a sneezing, and Mama gotted a picture of my tongue.

It is a marvelous tongue

Leah's favorite part was the soft fuzzies that came in the ornament box.

Why the packagings is always the best part for small peoples?

And look! Not only did I get a chewy, I gotted a chewy that will help with my dentals!

Eleventy times better than a teethbrush

Thank yous Garth and Garth's mama for a amazing box! 

Pee S: I gotted my first batch of thank yous cards sent to my lovely friends who helped with me and Hatfield's chipin. It was an ordeal of epic proporionings. I included with all of the letters a 4x6 signed photo of me, Reuben. Does you know how many stores Mama had to visit to find a box of 4x6 cards? 

5

Yes, five stores. And still she no founded exactly the right thing. She had to buy half the cards from one store, and half from another, but then the antelopes envelopes was too small, so she had to buy two things of party invitations from another store, just for the 4x6 antelopes envelopes. Probably now we will has a party, since we has so many blank invitations! Sadly, we no has any antelopes envelopes to send them in. Then she ranned out of stamps and had to go to another store for those too.

The moral of this story is..... um..... 

........

The moral of this story is that the amount of bacons you give Reuben no is ever enough, even when you think it is.  You should give Reuben more bacons.

PeePeeS: I gotted my backpack from Sarge for schools, but I no went! I missed Blogville schools but it NO IS my fault. I will explain next time. 

A mail for Reuben, full of chewies and treats!

There was other things in the box besides chewies and treats, but since those was the most important ones to me, I has putted them in the title. It began yesterday, when I was vigilantly sleeping on Mama's stuffs.

These backpacks is very well-protected.

 When the next thing I knowed, I founded myself looking at my people sister Leah, who was opening a big box. It camed from Lindy and her people, and also her dachshunds Frankie, Willie and Ollie.

Hmmm, I is starting to has an interested....

 But when she started pulling things out of the box, that is when I became really interested!

You has my attention now!

 I dove right in and grabbed this squeaky monkey!

Omnomnomnom chewy!!!! 

 I no even waited for him to be out of the packagings.

The packagings is just for extra chewings, right?

Then, while I was busy with squeaky monkey, Leah pulled out this book: 

"Oh wow, I loves Skippyjon Jones!"

Mama said "I no had a knowing that you liked Skippyjon Jones."

Can you tell from this picture how much she likes Skippyjon Jones?

 Then it was back for more boxings.

"Look Reuben, you gotted treats!!!"

 Almost you would think that people sister is more excited about the treats than I is!

Look, a dachshund... kind of...

I was getting ready to rip into those treats with all nine of my glorious tooths, but something stopped me.

OMD another chewy?!?!?!

Quickly I grabbed yellow chewy and took him to the very safe place of 12 inches from where I was standing before. Then Leah read the nice letter from Lindy to me:

Dear Reuben, your tongue is magnificent and you is extremely brave and handsome....

 I looked in to see if there was other things in the box.

I smell something..... 

It was some cool magnets and a picture frame!

Look, D-O-G! That spells "Reuben."

 Leah no could stop hugging Skippyjon. She tooked him to bed with her last night and as I is typing this, she is currently still hugging him at this very moment.

I think she had to put him down while she was at school.

 Now I was faced with a ginormous quandry: two brand new chewies in front of me; which one does I chew?

Oh, the problems of being a well-loved dog like me!

 But then my nose called me to the smell of the treats, which now was opened.

I would like to has them right now please!

It took some convincing.

I said RIGHT NOW, Leah!!! NOW!!!

 Then she putted them on the table.

Almost.... there...... can..... smell them.....

I was getting closer.

Curse these correct-sized legs!

I was so fierce and brave that Leah opened the treats and gaved me some.

OH YEAH, these is good!!!

 This was Lindy's lovely letter:

Dear Reuben, has anyone ever tolded you how you is brave and handsome?

Now I had some business to attend to. It involved my two new chewies!

What you is smiling about, Yellow? I is planning to dead you next.

Meanwhile, this unfortunate scene was unfolding in the kitchens:

It no is fair, why Hatfield gets treats too?

St first Hatfield was suspicious. He thought maybe I had putted something in them, like maybe hot peppers or bad catnips.

Seriously dude, is this for real?

The smell of noms helped Hatfield overcome his suspicious.

Hatfield is ready to go in for the kill.

He no was quite sure how to accomplish this.

"Look here, Treats - I want to eat you; you want to be eaten.... let's stop all these silly games."

He reached clumsily for the foodstuffs.

Come to me, foodstuffs.....

 If you look closely on the right, you will see the treats flying off the counter.

Nooooooooooooo

So he jumped down and proceeded to eat the ones that falled out.

You've cleaned this floor sometime in the last six months, right Mom?

Soon that Hatfield-related unpleasantness was all over, and we all settled down on the couch and Leah read us a story.

Wait, this cat thinks he is a dog?! It is because we is superior, and has much better grammars too.

I has been in Chewy Heaven for the last 24 hours, and believe me, the growling has been non-stop whenever Daddy is nearby. He might try to take my chewy! Or even both of them! He is very dangerous. 

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr, I is Reuben, hears me roar! "Ruff!"

Thank yous Lindy and family, and thank yous to Frankie, Willie and Ollie for picking out such good treats for me. I love you all eleventy billions!