Reuben's week in photos

Actually this is kind of my "week in Face Books photos," since many of these has already been posted to my Face Books page and possibly even my Twitters. 

Me and Stinky Monkey is helping with paperworks.

We did so much work that we felled asleep on the hairy rug.

Um.... this no is what it looks like.... look the other way please; there no is anything to see here.... THERE NO IS ANYTHING.

Seriously Mama, why I has to post this picture of Hatfield looking like an Egyptian catses god?

When the compost is on the ground
You must get your mouth around
A tomato.
See what I did there?

There is some who says that Squeaky Hot Dog makes me "insane."
This photo no does anything to help my case. 

This is very bad. A catses infestation to rival no other. 

Here is People Sister, betraying me with the freakishly long-legged Gretchen. 

Finally. Can we please focus on ME?! I is currently accepting applications for belly rubs. All candidates with fingers considered! 

Maybe you is noticing how all of these pictures is in doors. That is because it has been raining for about eleventy days, and also because Mama is very good at forgetting her flashy box when we takes walks. 

In conclusions, I has some *kind of* good newses. The newses is, Mama gotted promotion at work! That means she is allowed to work twice as many hours as she was before. I no has an understand for WHY this is a good thing. Something about having more monies to buy treats and chewies for Reuben, I thinks. Ok, actually it makes perfect sense. Also, on Monday she is starting classes again, which involves lots of listening to lectures and typing of boring things on the computer, hogging up all the interwebs and leaving none for me. And since I does my best writings when I is sitting in her lap, there will be less dogblogging, Face Booking and Twittering for me, Reuben. Already I was slacking in my dogblogging responsibilities, but now the lap I so badly need will be absent much more :( 

Mama says if this semester she can pass her classes, not get fired from her job, and not get disowned by People Sister and Daddy, that she has done a great job! Of course, I will be waiting vigilantly here for her, always willing to bravely accept a belly rub or yawn in her face.

*****

pee S.   My piggies is still at large in the woods. If sighted, please catch them and send them overnight to 

Reuben

Reuben's House and Yard

North Carolinas.

Reuben's 6th of July with some rude lady dogs

Friends, yesterday I had slightly-delayed 4th of July celebration that I has given the highly creative name of "6th of July" to. Me and Mama and Daddy and People Sister wented to Grandpa man's house (which of course is where Gretchen lives), and Great Auntie C camed over with her dog Maisy, and my BFF Daisy camed over from next door. As the only male kind of dog in this arrangement, I thoughted I would get all the attentions. This turned out to NO be true!

Ladies... I is over here... please to no crowd all around me at once.

Um... I said I is over here.... hello?

Oh hi there Maisy, what's that? You is on your way to kitchen? Okays, see you later I guess.

Doesn't ANYDOG want to play with me?

But all of that was forgotted when I gotted THIS:

Holy molies, my very own hot dog, all for my Self!

I see how it is, Daisy. You only wants me for my hot dog, you harpy!

Then Daisy gotted sent home because she rudely ated Gretchen's hamburger. Then Gretchen did that thing she does where she goes and stands near Maisy and annoys her, so Maisy started growling at her. Meanwhile, I was content to finish my hot dog and then walk around peeing on many, many things. But then..... THIS started to happen:

Great Auntie C, it's a twister!

It no was a twister, just our thrice-daily thunderstorm. I got up on the car to bark those thunderboomers away! (Okay, Mama lifted me onto the car).

Grrrrrrr thunderboomers, I will dead you!

Then I gotted busy looking at my handsome self in the car window.

Why the ladies no wants a piece of Reuben? I looks amazing.

And before I knowed it....

AAAHHHH here it comes, run for your lifes!!!1!!11!

Oh well - at least we had an hour without rain to has our picnic. Now friends, I must mention that Daisy - who WAS my BFF - is now BFFs with Gretchen and not me. Probably on account of how Gretchen likes to "play" and "run around" and "jump," and other things that senior wieners like myself is too dignified to does. I played a little bit with Daisy, but mostly she and Gretchen just taked off and ignored me - Reuben. Now I has yet ANOTHER reason to be mad at Gretchen - as if I needed another one!

I gots a new BFF!

Never did I think I would says this, but I has finded another dog that I actually played with. And I liked it!

Here is the story...

I was minding my businesses, walking around Grandpa man's yard and peeing on stuffs like usual. I no noticed the the dog in the distance.

That would make a good novel title: "Dog in the Distance." Does you see him all the way back there?

He approached me, and at first I was like:

Um, what you is doing, strange dog?

And then I was like:

Grr and ruff, strange dog - I will dead you!!!

But then I was all:

Ahhhhhh! Get out of here Gretchen, and quit  humping me too!!!

The pictures is all blurry - because THAT is how fast we was going. It was very fast! Mama thoughted my new BFF was playing a little too rough with me, and she carried me inside. But I barked and barked to go back out! Sometimes BFF and Gretchen would run off together, and I no can run as fast as thems on account of my seniorness and also my correct-sized legs, but BFF always came back to me for more playings. I no knows BFF's actual name, for he is new dog of Grandpa man's next door neighbors and we no has been properly introduced. He did nip my ear a few times, which I no really appreciated, and Mama has a worry for how he might be playing with me as he grows into a not-puppy. As you can sees, BFF has freakishly log legs, and they only will get freakisher. But for now, I no can waits to go to farm again and play with my new BFF!

Can we go  now? Now? How about, oh, I no knows - NOW?

That no was the only fun part of my day at the farm, for also I has taked a ride in the farm truck!

While I was in there, I had a delightful cicada snack. Those cicadas is EVERYWHERE, does you know they only comes out every 17 years? That is why they makes so much noise; they is making up for lost time.

Is a delicacy. 

Also, I has finded this thing:

Um.... I no wants to know. Really. 

It was such a fun day that I went home and fell very fast asleep.

Yes, that is people sister's doll. Sorry, people sister.

Now. I has just one more thing to says. Friends, my book has traveled across the big waters and made it ALL THE WAY to the Netherregions.... I mean, to the Netherlands. I hope Minet de Boer and my fine fuzzy friend Toby likes it. *wrings paws* How I will live with my personal self if they no does?! (I has a secret fear of rejections big hopeful that they will likes it). I hear that Toby does like to read books, and also to chew on shoes.

Mama wants to squish him due to his fuzzy adorableness. 

The story behind me and freakishly long-legged Gretchen

Good mornings friends! I is just finishing up Second Breakfast; it is composed of the coconut tempehs that Mama no likes as much as she used to, apparently. However, I should be eating coconut BACONS right now, on account of the indignities I suffered yesterday.

If you is following me on face books, then probably you knows the source of my grief from yesterday. 

file photo of all that is unholy.

And some peoples was asking, "hey Reuben, you handsome an brave dachshund - why you has such a powerful dislike for Gretchen? She looks sweet enough."

Friends, if Gretchen was trying to steal your chewies, your place on the couch, your foodstuffs, your place in the bed, your humpy bed, your people family, and your entire house, I's thinking you might feel differently about her. 

Mama and Daddy adopted Gretchen from Almost Home Dachshund Rescue, which is the same nice rescue group that helped pay for my mouth surgicals. Mama and Daddy thoughted I needed a friend to play with, on account of how I sleep so much - they thought I might be BORED. Little did they know that I was vigilantly sleeping to protect the house!  Also people sister wanted Gretchen to be my girlfriend, which was a terrible mistake. To make a (freakishly) long story short, you can read all about why Gretchen went to live on the farm with Grandpa man *** here***. But we no gotted along almost all of the time, though occasional photos has been snapped of us sitting near to each other when I had a momentary letting down of my vigilant guard. Some has even gone so far to suggest that Gretchen is BIGGER than me, which is a outrageous lie. Just because she has longer legs than me (freakishly long, might I add), and maybe weighs more than me, and is slightly longer in the torso, it NO MEANS that she is bigger! Because as we all knows, I is basically the biggest dog who ever has existed. 

We still sees each other fairly often. Sometimes I go out to the farm to pee on things visit, and sometimes she comes over here to steal my chewies and try to escape out the kitty door visit. And yesterday, I had one of those unfortunate visitings of her coming to my house. Mostly she just tries to "play" with me, and obsessively licks my face, which I HATES because that is where the very sensitive area of my mouth is located. So I growls fiercely, but she no pays attention, and sometimes tries to sit on me (oh the humanities!) When she first camed to live with us - and I is only telling you this because of my sincere and unwavering trust in you all - Gretchen actually tried to hump me on multiple occasions. And I no could hump her back on account of her freakishly long legs! So I would then find the closest soft object and make a huge deal out of humping it in front of her, and she would does the same thing, and let me tells you - there was a LOT of inanimate-object-humping during those first few weeks. We was both trying to establish our dominence, and since we is neutered and spayed, blankies, pillows and humpy beds took the brunt of our efforts.

As you can see, this is basically the greatest affront to my personal Self, ever. 

Moving on. So yesterday Gretchen came for a babysitting while Daddy and Grandpa man were working on some house-fixing stuffs. Here is a full account of our unfortunate day, in photos:

blatant betrayal by people sister.

Unapologetic theft of my meaty stick.

Still chewing on MY meaty stick. In MY place on top of the couch.

Licking me on my sensitive mouth

Me, sulking and angrily chewing on a blankie and no looking at Gretchen the intruder.

Also, Mama and people sister tooked us on a walk together (in MY park), except Mama forgotted to bring camera in all the craziness of getting out the door. I took an extra long time peeing on everything while Gretchen ranned ahead with people sister using her freakishly long legs.FINALLY Grandpa man camed to pick her up, and all was restored to the natural and correct order of things. Which is me, Reuben, being an Only Dog and doing it amazingly well.


Pee S. The 2013 North Carolina Wiener Roast is coming up very soon, and oh man, did I has a blast last year!  I maybe no will enter the wiener race again this year, on account of how I ranned away from the finish line instead of towards it. But I DOES have a very exciting thing planned for the Roast, and you will has to wait just a little bit longer to find out what it is!

The Great Sniff of 2013

I smells something. Something extremely interesting. I must find that Thing. Find it, and pee on it.

my journey begins here, in the snows, in front of my house.

I crosses the street (Mama holded my paw) and heads into the park

I's too busy sniffing to read these boring rules, Mama!

Good thing they no says anything like "dogs must be on leash." I assume.

I no will rests until I finds the Thing! And pees on it.

OK, I will rest just a little bit.

Hmm, I must has slept a little longer than I thoughted - all of the snows is gone.

I has convienently skipped over the sniffings from the 20 miles between my house and Grandpa Man's house. And somehow, here I is! Sniffing.

AAAHHHHH, not GRETCHEN!!! I think she has smelled the thing i is sniffing for! I must move quickly now.

Hold on a minute..... this broccoli smells awfully suspicious.... I wonder if......

Yes, this it it! The Interesting Thing. It is Broccoli Plant! 

It's all in a day's work for me, Reuben. Or a couple of days. Whatever.