Look out Amazon and Kindle, for here comes Reuben!

Well friends, I has been goned from my dogbloggings for a little while - my chewing, napping and peeing schedules is just OUT OF CONTROL. It seems no matter how much I sleep, how many chews I do, and however much waters I drink (for the peeings), never is I done meeting my many important responsibiities. Oh, and also barking at strangers/people I know/Daddy/anything that moves in a suspicious way.

I has many important responsibilities. 

Right now I is suffering because Mama has taked people sister and NOT me, and gone Away for 6 whole days!!! I is so sad that only bacons can take away this pain. As I said on my Face Books page, it will has to be an entire pig to compensate me for the loss of 6 days with Mama. I will be expecting said pig upon your arrival, MAMA.

AND I has to hang out with this guy. Unfortunately. 

But now for some good newses....

A Guide to Braveries for Small Dogs is now available on Amazon and Kindle!!!

[insert happy wiggle butt dance here]

I also noticed that some peoples was even kind enough to leave me lovely reviews, and I thanks you very much for doing such a thing! If anyone else is so inclined to talk about how amazing I is, I promise to think of you every time I is peeing on something magnificent. Trust me, it is a very big honor! Also, in case you no is knowing, I is giving some of my green papers from selling this book to Almost Home Dachshund Rescue Society so they can continue to help rescue dogs - including seniors like me! - get healthy and find their forever homes.

My, what a handsome senior sort of dog. 

Black-and-white Sundae

I is a published author now! Yes, my book is off the leash!

Greetings friends, today I is so very excited to announce the publications of my very first book, A Guide to Braveries for Small Dogs!

And to give you an idea of all of the nuggets of wisdoms that is contained therein, here is a lovely video my publisher made for me with excerpts of my wise words!


Reuben, the floppy tongue dachshund from Peggy Haymes on Vimeo.


Now, I know you is probably having some questions. And to answer thems, I has forced bribed Hatfield with cheese to help me answer thems in a conversation.

Hatfield: So, Dog, if I wanted to buy a copy of this book so I could pee on it, where would I theoretically do that?

Reuben: There will be a few places for this, luckily for you, Cat. You may do a purchasing of it directly from my publisher ***here.***  Also I will soon be having it for sale through Almost Home Dachshund Rescue website,  and also on Amazon. My minions is still very busy typing out all of the copies, so these venues will be taking just a little bit longer! If you happen to be attending the 2013 North Carolina Wiener Roast, then you is one lucky kind of creature, for I will be there with my mama and people sister (and maybe even Daddy) to pawtograph my book for you!



Hatfield: If I wanted to obtain a copy of said book for my Kindle, to show to all my Cat friends and laugh at, can I do it?








Reuben: That is in the works for later, because of course my minions will has to scan all the pages onto their internet-enabled typewriters first. Check back in a few months - but if any catses is laughing at it, please know that I reserve all rights to dead them.







Hatfield: So what does a book of this questionable caliber go for these days? Like half a can of tuna maybe?








Reuben: No, Cat. it no does. I suggested eleventy million dollars to my publisher, but they no liked that idea, so now it costing the price of about half a can of organic dog food - $12.00! Is amazing deal to get so many of my wisdoms collected all into one place!







Hatfield: And what do you plan to do with all twelve of those dollars that you might make from the one copy that you might sell to your grandma?








Reuben: If you must know, Cat, I will be donating 10% of profits to Almost Home Dachshund Rescue. The rest of thems will go to help buy our organic petfoodstuffs and probably also a jaunt to Paris on private jet with all of my Blogville friends. We will eat free-range filet mignon, chew up an entire boutique hotel room, and pee on the Louvre! But if we no gets enough monies to finance that trip, maybe we will just go to dog park.





Can you get me a publishing contract too? I would like to release my four thousand page dissertation on feline archetypes in the Dostoevsky canon, it is sure to be a bestseller.










No. Please get out of here before I dead you.

Moving on.... I plans to host a book giveaway right here on Floppy Tongue Joy, so keep on the lookouts for that! I is so very excited, and I no can waits to share my knowledges with all of my lovely friends!

Oh yeah, Reuben writed a BOOK!

I has been dog-shamed.

Oh, the humanities....

Yes it is true.

tongue looks good though.

oh my, it is a very handsome tongue!

I was so upset about being dog-shamed that I almost fell off the couch.

In other newses, I has a big surprise coming soon..... I no is telling what it is either, that would make it an un-surprise! I will tells it when the timings is right :)

A invasion of Reuben's home and attack on his chewies, plus some newses

This past week's adventuring involved me, my chewies, and a foster dog named Charlie.

This is the Charlie that I referred to earlier.

Notice how I is situated higher on the couch than he is. This is because I is top super mega alpha dog, and Charlie is annoying bed-pooping stuff-destroying not-alpha dog. Does you see my yellow squishy peanut here? Probably you no can even tells that it is a peanut on account of how Charlie chewied it to pieces! Here is some more of his handiworks. Or should I say, mouthyworks:

Not only was peanut defiled, but octopus as well.

Does you sees this?! It is my new humpy bed with holes chewed all up in it!

This was octopus B.C. (Before Charlie)

This was peanut B.C. Put it down people sister, it is MINE.

This was octopus and peanut, A.C. (After Charlie):

nooooooooooooo

I is pleased to report that Charlie has caughted the mid-Atlantic wiener dog express and is now nice and comfy in his foster home with Furever Dachshund Rescue. He made a great exciting for the week, even though he pooped in some various beds and ran out the door on Mama's first day of work and she felled over trying to catch him and scraped her knee and went to first day of new job with bloody knee. And even though I is a very busy dog, perhaps I can make time in the futures for some short-term fosterings who I can boss around and show that I is alpha dog extreme. 

This brings me directly to my next point, and it is thusly: Mama has gotted new job at the public library! She is now library assistant, which she will does while she works on her master's degree. Also this means that between her works there, and the stuffs we does for Almost Home Dachshund Rescue, and her classes, and also time for ME (and people sister and Daddy), and hitting the gym (yeah right Mama, this is totally happening), she has very little time for me to sit in her lap while I types up my dogblog. And as we all knows, it is difficult for me to reach the numbers and letters on my internet-enabled typewriter unless I is sitting in her lap. 

So what all of this means? Well, it means I no will be around Blogville as much as I would like to bes. I tries to catch up on my friends' adventurings whenever I can, but there is so many of you and you is such prolific cat and dogbloggers, that always I is falling short of doing visitings of everyone I wants to see. And for this I has sorries, but there no is much I can does about it now. Also I would like to point out that my chewing and napping schedule has gotten way out of hand, not to mention my peeings. Oh, the peeings! So many peeings.

This is an example of how tired all of this makes me. I is a senior dog, after alls.

Love from me,

Reuben

The Great Sniff of 2013

I smells something. Something extremely interesting. I must find that Thing. Find it, and pee on it.

my journey begins here, in the snows, in front of my house.

I crosses the street (Mama holded my paw) and heads into the park

I's too busy sniffing to read these boring rules, Mama!

Good thing they no says anything like "dogs must be on leash." I assume.

I no will rests until I finds the Thing! And pees on it.

OK, I will rest just a little bit.

Hmm, I must has slept a little longer than I thoughted - all of the snows is gone.

I has convienently skipped over the sniffings from the 20 miles between my house and Grandpa Man's house. And somehow, here I is! Sniffing.

AAAHHHHH, not GRETCHEN!!! I think she has smelled the thing i is sniffing for! I must move quickly now.

Hold on a minute..... this broccoli smells awfully suspicious.... I wonder if......

Yes, this it it! The Interesting Thing. It is Broccoli Plant! 

It's all in a day's work for me, Reuben. Or a couple of days. Whatever.

In troubles

All I has to says for myself is that I is innocent. Where my lawyer is? I demands justICE!

Hatfield the orange kitty setted me up!!!

Speaking of ICE, and also of CREAMS, please no forgets that I has free Frosty Paw coupons to give out and also a stuffie to go with thems! All you has to does is e-mail a photo of your lovely self EITHER

A. outside in the snows 

OR

B. inside, snuggling up and enjoying comfies (this is a good option if you no has snows, or if you just hates snows. Like me!)

I will posts the winning photos on my dogblog and then you will gets free ice creams. It is a no-harebrainer, friends.

Frosty says it can be USA dogs only - he says they no makes his ice creams anywhere else. Meanwhile, I has started a petition to bring Frosty Paws to every corner of the earths! I mean, I will starts one. Right after my nap. 

My tongue has a big case of dry.

I makes a beautiful thing with my Christmas cardables

Hello friends, today I begins with a lovely photo of my Personal Self that I has done some magics to.

Handsome!!!

Moving on. Me, Mama and people sister still has a great impressed for all of the delicious wonderful cards we received over Christmasses. But since now the seasonals has passed, we wondered what we should does with all those cardables. And so, here is the photographics of what we did!

Leah likes to whistle when she works.

Can you guess what we is doing?

I does my best works when I has my cavedog sweater on.

Yes, we is making a ginormous college! 

Yes Leah, that smells right. You may glues it now.

I no has a understand for how this is a college, since that is a place that Mama goes to and I has been led to believe that it is too big to fit in one room of our house. So maybe we is making a small model of a college. I no is exactly sure. But I no needs to be an expert to be a big help! Here is one of the contributings I did to the college:

Yes, that is my snots right there in the middle!

 Here is another of my helpings:

I snarfed all over the college so the cardables would stick better.

When it was done, it looked like this:

^^this is the college I was referring to^^

And also like this:

That is a lot of cardables!

Some of thems Mama is saving to use on her other college projects, and a few others was founded after we did all of the glueings, and will be added to it when we gathers all of thems. There really was a lot of cardables! So now I is wondering - what you all does with yours after the festivitals is over?

And Pee S....I gots a fun thing involving treats coming up soon on my dogblog, so stay tuned to your interwebs for it!

Merry Festivitals!

Firstly, I must tells you of this lovely award I has received from my buddy Garth Riley:

BOL.... that stands for Biggest Outstanding Legs, right?

Garth has deemed me to be hilarious enough to be awarded the coveted BOL. I no has an understand why, for I is a dog of many philosophicals and also a journalingist too. And yet I humbly accepts this award! Not that I is one to brag about how humble I is..... ok, yes I am.

Anyway, all I gots to does is pass the award onto another very funny dogblogger. I no could choose, so I passes it to TWO dogblogs: Frankie and Ernie, and also to Puddles.

I think we all remembers this unfortunate but ultimately hilarious event from when we was all going Back to School:

I knows you is innocent Puddles.... ok, maybe you no is.

Yes, Puddles crashed the pizza truck when she went on a pizza-truck-stealing joyride. I think beers was also involved. Shame on you Puddles! You stoled the pizza truck and you never even called ME to be in charge of security!

Frankie and Ernie has been entertaining me this month with the tails of their mama's pure insanity healthy interest in snowmens.

the one in the red hat looks dangerous.

Above you will see that Frankie and Ernie is forcefully subduing said snowmans by sitting on them and possibly also by doing flatulances on them. Good job guys!

Now turning to other matters - the Christmas cardables has been flooding into my mailbox. This year I learned that the creepy man in blue NO IS trying to steal my mails; he actually is BRINGING THEM!!! Never would I have guessed such a thing. Of course, I still barks at him. Having all these wonderful Christmas cardables has made our house really festive! As you will see here:

I was being *slightly* uncooperative in that last one. So thank you to all of the lovely dogbloggers who has sended me cardables! I sended my cardables as well, but I ranned out of thems and sadly I no mailed one to every single dog on the list. So if I no sended you one, I has many sorries. Next year we will has to order more.

Lastly, an unfortunate thing has occured today in the form of Gretchen visiting my house. MINE.

oh, the horrors. 

The first thing she did was pee on my rug. Then she tried to escape through the kitty door. These things happened within the first minute of her visiting. It is just like when she used to live here. Happily, now she gets to leave when Grandpa man leaves. YAY!!!! And so then, Mama tooked a bunch of pictures of Gretchen and people sister looking cute together, for some reason.

Finally, here is one of me looking extremely handsome!

I doesn't always flop my tongue out. But when I does, it is majestic.

Now, Mama's family is coming into town tomorrow to stay with us for a few days, and I maybe no will has time for another dogblogging before Christmasses.

So I wants to wish you all some very Merry Festivitals, from me,
Reuben.

(and unfortunately Hatfield)