A dramatic interpretation by me, Reuben, and rescue pup Casey

Rufus ^^                         Casey^^

Casey: Yo Dad, can I gets some monies to go to the dog park with my friends?

Rufus: Well son, you understands that green papers no grows on trees, right?

Casey: ....

Rufus: Well, they no does. What does you need monies at the dog park for anyway?

Casey: To buy treats off of all the peoples Dad, duh!

Rufus: Son, you no has any idea how lucky you is. Back in my day -

Casey: Here we goes again - you had to walk five miles uphill both ways in the snows with no booties, right?

Rufus: No, son. You is too young to remember, but we camed from a puppy mill.

Casey: Oh....

Rufus: It was a horrible place that never should exist, ever, anywhere, not even for catses.

Casey: But we got out, Dad! We is safe now.

Rufus: Yes son, but there is many more unfortunate dogs who is stucked in puppy mills as we speaks.

Casey: Hey Dad! Maybe I should give those monies to a rescue group instead of spending it at the dog park!

Rufus: That is a fine idea, son. You makes me has a proud.


Dramatic interpretation enacted by Reuben, a senior sort of dachshund, and Casey, a rescue puppy from Almost Home Dachshund Rescue who is actually a girl, but looked so much like Reuben that I couldn't resist casting her as Rufus' son. 

I is a published author now! Yes, my book is off the leash!

Greetings friends, today I is so very excited to announce the publications of my very first book, A Guide to Braveries for Small Dogs!

And to give you an idea of all of the nuggets of wisdoms that is contained therein, here is a lovely video my publisher made for me with excerpts of my wise words!


Reuben, the floppy tongue dachshund from Peggy Haymes on Vimeo.


Now, I know you is probably having some questions. And to answer thems, I has forced bribed Hatfield with cheese to help me answer thems in a conversation.

Hatfield: So, Dog, if I wanted to buy a copy of this book so I could pee on it, where would I theoretically do that?

Reuben: There will be a few places for this, luckily for you, Cat. You may do a purchasing of it directly from my publisher ***here.***  Also I will soon be having it for sale through Almost Home Dachshund Rescue website,  and also on Amazon. My minions is still very busy typing out all of the copies, so these venues will be taking just a little bit longer! If you happen to be attending the 2013 North Carolina Wiener Roast, then you is one lucky kind of creature, for I will be there with my mama and people sister (and maybe even Daddy) to pawtograph my book for you!



Hatfield: If I wanted to obtain a copy of said book for my Kindle, to show to all my Cat friends and laugh at, can I do it?








Reuben: That is in the works for later, because of course my minions will has to scan all the pages onto their internet-enabled typewriters first. Check back in a few months - but if any catses is laughing at it, please know that I reserve all rights to dead them.







Hatfield: So what does a book of this questionable caliber go for these days? Like half a can of tuna maybe?








Reuben: No, Cat. it no does. I suggested eleventy million dollars to my publisher, but they no liked that idea, so now it costing the price of about half a can of organic dog food - $12.00! Is amazing deal to get so many of my wisdoms collected all into one place!







Hatfield: And what do you plan to do with all twelve of those dollars that you might make from the one copy that you might sell to your grandma?








Reuben: If you must know, Cat, I will be donating 10% of profits to Almost Home Dachshund Rescue. The rest of thems will go to help buy our organic petfoodstuffs and probably also a jaunt to Paris on private jet with all of my Blogville friends. We will eat free-range filet mignon, chew up an entire boutique hotel room, and pee on the Louvre! But if we no gets enough monies to finance that trip, maybe we will just go to dog park.





Can you get me a publishing contract too? I would like to release my four thousand page dissertation on feline archetypes in the Dostoevsky canon, it is sure to be a bestseller.










No. Please get out of here before I dead you.

Moving on.... I plans to host a book giveaway right here on Floppy Tongue Joy, so keep on the lookouts for that! I is so very excited, and I no can waits to share my knowledges with all of my lovely friends!

Oh yeah, Reuben writed a BOOK!

cheese papers and green papers - what an exciting morning!

Friends, this morning I went on a grand adventure! There was so many magical, mythical places on our trip; hardly I knows where to begin. Oh wait, yes I does. I was so excited for the journey that I immediately throwed up on the passenger seat. I was right next to Mama's old sweatshirt, but I decided for personal reasons that really it would be best to puke on the upholstery. Geez Mama, I was trying to save your old sweatshirt!

You're welcome.

After a nice ride with my nose stuck out the window, quivering with excitement, and my ears flapping in the wind, we went to a place called "coffee shop." Mama lefted me in the car while she went in, unfortunately, but I had a great time barking at all of the uncaffinated passerbys and when she came out, she had a cup of Mama Juice and a sandwich too! She put sandwich into her purse and then we started driving again.

wheeeeeeeeeee

At a stoplight a nice man was selling newspapers, so of course I growled and barked at him with brave ferocities through my open window. He came up to the car (maybe he is deaf...? I was barking very loudly and fiercely) and says "how old he is? About 5?" Mama laughed and then made up a number for my age, since we no knows how old I is at all, only that I is dignified senior gentleman. His jaw dropped and we sped away down the road!

I no looks a day over 5, it is because I takes good care of my personal Self! With lots of sleeping.

The next stop on our journey was called "bank." Again I had to stay in car while Mama went inside and did something boring with green papers. When she came out, that is when she opened the sandwich! She helped me eat it.

She says that I helped her eat it. This no is true.

Finally we drove to a place called "house that mama and daddy used to live in but now they rent it out and the tenant got evicted moved out and now they wants to put it on the market but first has to pay some repairmans some monies to fix all of the broken things." I guess that is what she needed the green papers for. Again she very rudely left me in the car, but this time she also lefted her coffee cup and the cheese paper from the sandwich! When she camed back I had nommed on the cheese paper and done a very thorough licking of the top of her coffee cup. "Oh Reuben..." she sighed, probably because I is adorable.

Carefully I eyes my prey as I waits for the right moment to strike.

and that moment is...... NOW!!!!!!!

Then it was time to go home. I peed on my favorite plant as soon as I got out of the car. Well, maybe it no is my favorite, but it is definitely in the top 3. I sniffed and peed for a while, and Mama was having impatients, so she said "Reuben.... wanna eat?" and that usually works to get me inside. Except Mama was standing outside for so long waiting for me to finish sniffing and peeing that she forgot about how I licked all over her coffee cup and she started drinking it again. I came inside and had a little breakfastings, and now I has retired to the couch for my mid-morning nap. What an exciting day! Can we does it again tomorrow, Mama?

Oh how I loves to sniff things!

Sniff them, and then pee on them.

Bunnicula and Hatfield: two pees in a pod

Well friends, Easter is upon us and I understand that this "bunny" will be invading visiting my house during the nights. Again. Always he is so quiet and sneaky, for I no has caughted him yet in the three Easters I has spent sleeping next door to people sister! Since I no has sawed this "bunny" yet, here is what I think he looks like:

Or possibly like this:

Dog help us all if he looks like this:

It remains to be seen what kind of awful home break-in will be experienced this year. Stay AWAY from my organic peanut butter biscuits, BUNNICULA.

In related newses - those involving a devilish catses named Hatfield - he is on my last nerve these days. Always using his freakishly limber legs to jump up on tables and counters and eat foodstuffs that should be MINE, based on how I is the most important creature in the house. Here is an example of him being illegally on the counter and also thinking that he is a bird by sitting on these eggs:

There is way too many confusing things happening here. 

So listen to me, Hatfield, when I says that you is on notice. I no is exactly sure what that means, other than that I has been noticing you being extra annoying recently and have taken great pains to chase and bark at you at all possible times. You has been warned.

I hope those foots no accidentally slips and kicks you, Hatfield. 

On guards and ready for actions - from Bunnicula, Hatfield, or any other rude intruders intruding into my personal home.

WOW! That is a lot of spams for Reuben.

I has my crazy eyes on you, spammers.

Since my last post there has been some.... spam-related developments. Unfortunate ones. It appears my dogblog is enjoying a newfound and highly annoying popularity with more and more spammers every day! They have greatly increased the amount of insightful commentaries deposited onto my dogblog - just in the last 5 days! I think it is because very few peoples, let alone dogs, truly takes the time to address the questionings and concernings of spammers the way I does. They is a very misunderstood group I is now seeing, desperate for attention and also for the three copper coins they gets into Nigerian bank account when someone clicks on their sketchy and probably illegal fun and enlightening links.

Spammers now is flocking to me, Reuben, for advice on many different kinds of things, and offering advices of their own, and my burgeoning populatities has given me a great amount more of blog-monitoring duties. These has begun to encroach on my chewing and napping schedules, and as a result I has had to make a change to my commentary moderations. That change being mainly that now all commentaries will be moderated.

It is a great burden to be the pioneering soul that I is, willing to take time out of my busy day to address the concerns of spammers. Now I faces unusual dilemma: if I requires user registration in order to post commentaries, no longer will my loyal spam readers be able to break through, and no longer I will be able to has more of Reuben's Q&As with Spammers! So for now, I does commentary moderation in order to control the flood of auto-translated vomit lovely fan mails of which I has recently become a frequent recipient.

Now if you will does an excusing of me, I is very tired after a long night of whining and also stepping all over Mama to make her carry me downstairs for a drink of water, after which she no could go back to sleep for eleventy hours. If I no gets 19 hours of sleep a day I gets crabby! I think Mama never gets enough sleeps, for often she is crabby. I's sure that has nothing to do with my frequent thirsties in the middle of the night.

More waters. NOW.

Pee S: Mama had my increased thirsties checked out at vet, and Vet says I is in perfect health, as usuals, and Mama no needs to worry about it other than for how much sleeps she is losing due to me waking her up in the nights.

Another of Reuben's amazing Q&As with spammers

Good evenings, Stinky Monkey and I welcomes you to master peace theaters. 

Greetings friends, it is time for an installment that is very dear and near to my heart. Since many of my blog readers is spammers, I feels a obligation to take a sampling of their commentaries on my postings and respond in full. So without further adoo, here is a transcript of my latest discussion with my favorite spammers!

I is so excited; I is on needles and pins for your commentaries!

Q: You should be a part of a contest for one of the finest sites on the internet. I am going to highly recommend this web site! Here is my web blog :: terrific pictures of a golden retriever. - Hksbddgynfauea Simon  

A: Well thank yous very much, I is one of the finest sites on the internet. Now, terrific pictures of a golden retriever.... ok spammer, it is my turn to ask you a questioning. Can you tell me why that approximately 87% of the spams on my dogblog is about golden retrievers? Seriously, there is a LOT of thems, which I has left our forthwith due to redundancies. Has you even taked the time to notice that I is a brave and noble dachshund? Next questioning.

Q: For many stud owners, that is when it is scheduled to appear in court next month. I managed to get the lower class masses to serve the [inappropriate words removed]. He always says they are pieces of satire. - Windowsqeeeefeeeef John

A: Clearly you is suffering from severe mental illness. Not to worry friend, I has about 87 mental institutions on speed dial. We will get you all fixed up real soon. Hang in there buddy, I feels for you!

Q: It daydreams, wanders and drifts among loosely and tenuously connected thoughts... -Garth McSpam

A: Garth. That was a haiku. Next questioning please.

Q: And slowly one day you would also be into ashes as you smoked more than the limit. - Matt Spameron

A: Sorry spammer, you has walked right into this one: I's pretty sure that you is the one who has smoked more than the limit. Next please.... yes, down in front?

Q: Thank you for the auspicious writeup. It if truth be told used to be a leisure account it. Glance advanced to far 

added agreeable from you! However, how could we keep up a correspondence? my blog post ... seo services india  - Iagentnetwork Blount

A: Obviously you has been reading my dogblog, as auspishous is one of my most favoritest words! My favorite part is how it rhymes with suspishous. However, I believe you has spelled it wrong. Please buy a dictionary. Who's next?

Q: Ι just cοuld not depart уоur site before suggesting that Ι rеally enjоyeԁ thе usual info an individual proνіde on your 

guestѕ? Is gonna bе back incesѕаntly to cheсk out new posts My blog utility bucket truck. - Royaldicelottery Jenkins 

A: O.....M.....D..... How you knowed that exactly what I needed was a utility bucket truck?! It is like you has readed my mind! I has a plan to do this robot battle thing against Daddy on his tractor, and clearly I has just found the ticket to winning that match! 

Q: Unlike the free market the black market cannot be regulated to control inflation and validity of transactions. She 

was an experienced smoker, quite younger than me. - Oceangreenoffers Waddell

A: I think I has made a serious mistake somewheres in the course of my bloggings. A lot of peoples, like your fine self, seems to be mistaking me for a people. Does you know what percentage of dogs is smokers? I's pretty sure it is less than 8.7%. Your marketing tactics is wasted on me, smoking spammer! 

No tries to lure me in with your bacons, spammers. Is clever ploy though.

Well spammers, this has been an enlightening and thought-provoking conversating, but unfortunately our time is up. Please continue to leave your insightful commentaries - and I knows you will, for nothing has stopped you yet, not even my "comment moderation on posts older than 10 days!" Seriously though, my filters is catching all of your commentaries and sending them directly to a special folder with your name on it, so you can rest assured that they will all be available for perusal at my leisure and for comedic purposes! It has been a pleasure. 

I no understands what this means. But seriously, you knows it's true.

Pee S: A big thank you to Spam Name Generator, who helped me make totally false names for find the correct identities of my lovely spammers.

A invasion of Reuben's home and attack on his chewies, plus some newses

This past week's adventuring involved me, my chewies, and a foster dog named Charlie.

This is the Charlie that I referred to earlier.

Notice how I is situated higher on the couch than he is. This is because I is top super mega alpha dog, and Charlie is annoying bed-pooping stuff-destroying not-alpha dog. Does you see my yellow squishy peanut here? Probably you no can even tells that it is a peanut on account of how Charlie chewied it to pieces! Here is some more of his handiworks. Or should I say, mouthyworks:

Not only was peanut defiled, but octopus as well.

Does you sees this?! It is my new humpy bed with holes chewed all up in it!

This was octopus B.C. (Before Charlie)

This was peanut B.C. Put it down people sister, it is MINE.

This was octopus and peanut, A.C. (After Charlie):

nooooooooooooo

I is pleased to report that Charlie has caughted the mid-Atlantic wiener dog express and is now nice and comfy in his foster home with Furever Dachshund Rescue. He made a great exciting for the week, even though he pooped in some various beds and ran out the door on Mama's first day of work and she felled over trying to catch him and scraped her knee and went to first day of new job with bloody knee. And even though I is a very busy dog, perhaps I can make time in the futures for some short-term fosterings who I can boss around and show that I is alpha dog extreme. 

This brings me directly to my next point, and it is thusly: Mama has gotted new job at the public library! She is now library assistant, which she will does while she works on her master's degree. Also this means that between her works there, and the stuffs we does for Almost Home Dachshund Rescue, and her classes, and also time for ME (and people sister and Daddy), and hitting the gym (yeah right Mama, this is totally happening), she has very little time for me to sit in her lap while I types up my dogblog. And as we all knows, it is difficult for me to reach the numbers and letters on my internet-enabled typewriter unless I is sitting in her lap. 

So what all of this means? Well, it means I no will be around Blogville as much as I would like to bes. I tries to catch up on my friends' adventurings whenever I can, but there is so many of you and you is such prolific cat and dogbloggers, that always I is falling short of doing visitings of everyone I wants to see. And for this I has sorries, but there no is much I can does about it now. Also I would like to point out that my chewing and napping schedule has gotten way out of hand, not to mention my peeings. Oh, the peeings! So many peeings.

This is an example of how tired all of this makes me. I is a senior dog, after alls.

Love from me,

Reuben

The Great Sniff of 2013

I smells something. Something extremely interesting. I must find that Thing. Find it, and pee on it.

my journey begins here, in the snows, in front of my house.

I crosses the street (Mama holded my paw) and heads into the park

I's too busy sniffing to read these boring rules, Mama!

Good thing they no says anything like "dogs must be on leash." I assume.

I no will rests until I finds the Thing! And pees on it.

OK, I will rest just a little bit.

Hmm, I must has slept a little longer than I thoughted - all of the snows is gone.

I has convienently skipped over the sniffings from the 20 miles between my house and Grandpa Man's house. And somehow, here I is! Sniffing.

AAAHHHHH, not GRETCHEN!!! I think she has smelled the thing i is sniffing for! I must move quickly now.

Hold on a minute..... this broccoli smells awfully suspicious.... I wonder if......

Yes, this it it! The Interesting Thing. It is Broccoli Plant! 

It's all in a day's work for me, Reuben. Or a couple of days. Whatever.