Put the puppies to bed before reading, for this is scandalous!

What I has to tell about today no is for the ears of young kittens and puppies, so if any of those is nearby, probably you should tell them to go watch Clifford or that other show with the dachshund and the octopus. What it is called? Anyway, I is a very fine and upstanding kind of dog, and I no wants to offend my readers with any indecencies. However, also I is a journalist, and therefore I must tell all the truths, for this is my calling.

I stays up late into the afternoons, doing my calling.

Is the puppies and kittens gone?


IS THEY?!

I can has the bouncer throw you out, you knows.

Good.

You may has seen pictures of me chewing, chewing hard on my dog bed. This is some very important work that I does, but there is more to it than meets the eye! What I actually does is a pattern that goes like this:

1. Chew chew chew chew
2. Hump hump hump hump
3. Chew chew chew chew
4. Hump hump hump hump

Yes, it is shocking, I knows. I no knows how to explain the mystique of my lovely soft bed. Here is  more shocking news: I has TWO of them. Truly, I bares my soul for the whole worlds to see. I has a red one upstairs and a blue one downstairs, but they no knows about each other (I is fairly sure of that).

This is the chewing part; it is very hard to photograph the humping part.

Mama has a theory that maybe, in the life I was doing before I came to live in my beautiful house, that I had a job very different than my job now, which of course involves being a fierce watchdog and also an adorable one too. When my family adopted me I was still "intact," and how I loved to show my intactness to all kinds of different things! People's legs, the couch, my boxer/pit neighbor Milo (now those is some freakishly long legs)... and any dogs that I met out and about on my walks. This has made Mama wonder if my job before was a breeder position. I no is telling, but if that is true, they was one disreputable company I assure you. Does anyone has the number for Better Business Bureau?

Anyway, after I went to the vet and got really really sleepy and came home later and was still really really sleepy, I found that when I came to my senses, I no had the desire to prove the great magnitude of my intactness. Something was... missing in my life. Still I continued to hump many other things and animals and people, but before long I no wanted to do that either. It is a little depressing.


But then, my 2 dog beds arrived and for those I is so very happy! I spends many hours a day doing my humpings and chewings. They goes like this, in case you has forgot:


1. Chew chew chew chew
2. Hump hump hump hump
3. Chew chew chew chew
4. Hump hump hump hump

Also I loves my red one too!

One time Mama has even taken a very undignified video of this occurrence, but I has too much class to post such a thing on the internets. Now Hatfield, on the other hand.... he no has class at all, so I works very very hard to keep that video out of his paws.

I no is above circulating this photo of Hatfield looking stupid.