Good news about my groundings and a surprise coming soon

Mama has heard my pleas and the petitions of my friends too, and she has decided to downgrade my punishments from permanent groundings to indefinite groundings! Of course I believe that I no should has a punishment at all. It was all Daddy's fault for no watching me! I repeat: NONE of these chicken-chasing occurrences is my fault. Indefinite groundings is better than permanent, so I takes it. Mama says she needs some time before she lets me run free in the wind again. Also if Daddy loses me one more time, I no knows what Mama would do, but I surely would hides from that situation.

Also I gots a surprise, and it involves this very beautiful dachshund:

Come back soon, and I gives you the details on this gray-frosted bombshell!

Important update on my groundings

Today I has learned that maybe my permanent grounding from the farm no is permanent. Maybe. Mama is very afraid to lose me - she says it is a very big world out there for a large and fearless wiener dog like myself. She worries how I gets tired in the woods and lays down for a nap among the trees. I is sure she also worries that I will scare the woodland creatures too much with my fearsome tooths! Those woods gots all kind of creatures, like deer, wild turkeys and even coyotes. Since I is a senior dog of undetermined age (my vet may or may not has said that I is "as old as Methuselah," which surely no is true), Mama always is worrying about me, making sure that I is nearby, preferably (for both of us) on her lap.

It is a very comfy lap.

But for the senior dog that I is, you should see me out there doing zoomies! I gets so excited to be out in the wilds that I does lots of runnings, which is fun and Mama says is good exercise for me. There is so many, many things to pee on, and chickens to chase, and neighbors' houses to go in, and Gretchen's food to eat.... it is a very fun place for a wiener dog! So Mama says that she maybe will let me go back in the future, as long as Daddy swears to Dog that he no lets me out of his sight. You may send petitions to free me, Reuben, from my groundings, to floppytonguejoy @ gmail.com. I gots to fight for my rights!

I, Reuben, is in a lot of trouble and it no is my faults!

See this picture? This is me on my last ever ride home from the farm:

Wheeeeeeee

Friends, a very grave and not-my-fault thing has happened: I has been permanently banned from the farm. How this happened, you says? Not to worry, I tells you all about it.

Yesterday I went to the farm with Daddy like I sometimes does. After showing Gretchen my brave ferocities and eating some of her food, I decided to has an adventure. So I went over to the neighbors' place to see what kind of troubles I could cause.

Four hours later, still I was gone, and Daddy had to call Mama and say "Mama, I no can find Reuben anywhere. I think he is mad because I unfairly accused him of hiding from me. Of course he is a very big and brave wiener dog, but can you please come out to the farm and call his name many many times?"

Mama raced out there, and for the next many days and probably weeks too, she and Daddy walked all through the woods and farms and neighbors' woods and farms, calling for me and shaking a bag of treats too. They even had Gretchen "helping." Mama said "Gretchen! Find Reuben!" And she tooked off into the woods. Mama followed her, and Gretchen was sniffing out a really good trail, which unfortunately ended at a tree where she proceeded to dig for moles.

My, what a lot of help you is, Gretchen.

Then she tooked off into the woods too, and Mama yelled "how many dachshunds is we going to lose today?!?!" Of course I was off having my big adventure while all of this was happening, so only I has heard of these developments later from the safety of my warm bed. (Gretchen came back, as she always does, so they no was worried too much about her).

Daddy even went to ask the old lady across the street if she had seened me. This is the lady who always is yelling at the grandpa man for letting Gretchen run around with no leash. She gave Daddy a stern talking-to, and Daddy couldn't really say anything, because he had lefted me off leash and I had disappeared. 

So, what was I doing the whole time I was goned?

Here is the true story of what happened:

I was over on the neighbors' land, helpfully chasing and otherwise terrorizing these intruder chickens. They very disrespectfully wanders around all over the place, which is of course unacceptable to me. So I was having a really good time doing many barkings and chasings, and I no knows what happened next, but all of a sudden I was attacked by a extremely organized army of monster chickens, at least 50 of them, maybe even 50,000.

This was the baby one; the rest was even bigger.

Friends, I no knowed what to do. There was wings everywhere, and beaks, and feathers was flying, and I was so mad that I thought I might hurt those chickens really bad with my fearsome tooths. Because I is a noble dog, and not one to pick on some unsmart chickens, I retreated to the woods so as to no harm them too much. I founded a nice comfy spot in those woods, after which I felled asleep. Vigilantly asleep. I was sleeping so vigilantly that I no even heard Mama and Daddy yelling "Reuben!!!!" over and over and over - I was too busy listening for intruding monster chickens.

After a few miles of hikings through the woods, Mama and Daddy was tired, and they went back to the house to ponder some things. They tooked a break, then went back out for more excercise (they both could stand to lose a pound or ten, so really I was doing them a favor). Just then the neighbor lady who is in charge of those disrespectful chickens came by and tolded them the story of my brave chicken activities. So they headed down to where the chickens was, again, and there I was, chasing them again! Daddy spotted me first, then Mama started running to me, and it took me a minute to figure out what was going on, but then I started running to her too, for I was tired and also had a big case of thirsty. She scooped my up in her arms and said "Reuben, this is your last trip to the farm, ever." What I did wrong? I no has an understand.

Daddy was pretty upset with me, and it no helped my case very much that I had pooped in his car earlier that day (not for the first time either). Mama was just glad I was back, though probably she will never let me outside without a leash ever again. I will miss the farm; I will miss chasing the chickens and marking all the many territories I has there. Probably I no will miss Gretchen - although I does enjoy doing an occasional zoomie with her. But Mama and Daddy has putted their foots down. So for now I sleeps vigilantly on the couch with my chewy by my side, dreaming of monster chickens.

Zzzzz.... BARK BARK BARK Zzzzzzz....

I romps briefly with Gretchen, then makes sure she no comes home with us

A few days ago I has gone to the farm and seen - of course you knows who - it is Gretchen, the freakishly long-legged doxador. This is how our meeting went:

Well hello there Gretchen, let me see if you still has the same smell.

Yes you does - and still I no likes it!

Of course I still smells the same, why you think I doesn't?

I is too dignified for chasings, please leave me alone.

Ok, fine - if you insists...

Sorry Gretchen, but it is time we goes our separate ways.

This is how it should look: me, with no Gretchen.

Today I has some news over which I has both bitter and sweet

Truthfully, I eats anything - whether soft or hard, animal or vegetable, bitter or sweet. If it can goes in my mouth, the chances are that I eats it. That is the kind of dog I is! If you was a homeless dog of advanced years before you came to your new home, probably you would eat any kind of things too! But I digest... I mean, digress.

This is me, digressing peanut butter.

Here is the short and (freakishly) long of it: after much considerations, we has all decided it is best for Gretchen to go live on the family farm, out in the countries, with the man they calls "Grandpa."

The decision no was made lightly, for all the humans is loving her, and me and Hatfield also is tolerating her (kind of). After she has escaped through the kitty door for an adventure for the third time this week, we all knows how much she wants to be bounding through the woods on those freakishly long legs, chasing squirrels and visiting all her friends around on the other farms. Here she is a big-city dog, who has to live in the house and takes walks on a leash (she no likes the leash). Even she is not liking the dog park, for there no is any squirrels to chase or thick brush for camoflauges. 

It is rare to gets a photo of her standing still outside.

If we leaves the kitty door open, then Gretchen runs away for an adventure. If we leaves it closed, then Hatfield the orange kitty is sometimes stucked outside in the cold and dark and wet (I no is especially bothered by that, but Mama no likes it for him). 

Hatfield whispers: "Next time I puts YOU out in the rains."

Always Gretchen is trying to make me do very undignified things, like "play" with her. I no is a puppy; I is kind of more like a well-respected magistrate. So I does many growlings and barkings, and then she sits on me, and then I bites her with my fearsome tooth, and the next thing I knows I is at the vet getting another one of my precious tooths pulled out.

Always I keeps an eye on her. Except for when I is sleeping.

Here is another sad thing: The man they calls "Grandpa," his dog Lizzie has just gone to the rainbow bridge to chase all the cars she wants, and none of them can runs her over anymore. This has left him with a great sadness, to be all alone on the farm. He always is loving it when Gretchen does visits, and always she is having many happies to go visit him too. 

And so, to make a (freakishly) long story short, this Sunday we takes Gretchen out to live on the farm. Mama has a great proudness for finally giving Gretchen the trainings to pee only outside (sometimes she has a few accidents though), and also she is doing most of her poops outside too (Gretchen, not Mama. Mama is doing most of hers inside, for some strange reasons). 

Always I goes outside, for I is a good dog!

For as much as Gretchen is basically an annoying little sister who has the gall to has longer legs than me (freakishly long, if I has not mentioned before), she does makes things more interesting around here. So some I will be missing her, and some I will be doing a happy wiggly dance that she is moving out. Lucky me, I gets to visit her on the farm on Sundays too. As long as they has good foodstuffs in the house, that sounds like a good plan to me!

You no can tell ANYONE about the following photos, does you hear me?! I posts them only as a kindness and courtesy to Gretchen, because I is such humble and generous dog.